Face the loss and move on
View(s):Coping with stress – Part 1 by Dr. Raveen Hanwella
In my first two articles I discussed the definition and causes of stress. I will now look at some ways of coping with it. If you remember, I said there were four basic causes of stress: loss, role change, conflict or dilemmas and human relationships.
Let us first look at how to cope with loss. By loss we mean all types of loss: human beings, our health, money, relationships and others.
Loss is inevitable and all of us at some point or the other would face losses. One way of coping would be to prepare for loss before it happens. To prepare for monetary loss and sudden necessities, a prudent individual would take care to build up adequate financial reserves.
Similarly we should endeavour to build up relationships with people so that in times of need we would have a reservoir of friends who would support us during difficult times. Friendships cannot be built up in a day. It takes time and work to cultivate a group of reliable friends.
We should also not be too involved with one or few individuals in our lives. Here I am not advocating a prescription of detachment. What I mean is that emotionally intense over-involvement with another is mentally unhealthy for both. The loss of either would lead to a total collapse of the other person. As the great poet Khalil Gibran said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you, love one another but make not a bond of love”.
Another type of loss would be loss of a job or vocation. Here again it is important to develop a wide range of abilities so that if we are unfortunate enough to suffer loss we can divert to another occupation. This applies to our health as well. If we build up a reservoir of good health through healthy eating and regular exercise we are less liable to fall sick and even if we do the impact would be less and the recovery faster.
Another important aspect of coping with loss is to let go. Some people ruminate endlessly about what has been lost and cannot be recovered and remain miserable for the rest of their lives. They fail to appreciate that for most human beings even after the greatest of loss some good things still remain. A person may grieve for years over the loss of a loved one and reject the love and care of the people around. Some may not only grieve but feel angry about whatever perceived or actual harm done by others led to the loss.
Shakespeare’s great play Hamlet is a good example of the inability to move on leading to further tragedy and loss. Hamlet’s father is killed by his uncle who then marries his mother and becomes King. Hamlet broods over this outrage and plots his revenge. In the end his uncle is killed but in the process several others who were innocent of any wrongdoing also die. This includes Ophelia the girl who falls in love with Hamlet and commits suicide when her love is rejected. Hamlet’s inability to move on caused further loss and grief to many others.
Sometimes we may worry about anticipated loss or possible losses that may occur in the future. Scientific study has shown that more than 90 percent of the problems we anticipate might happen, never happen. In other words, 90 percent of the time we have spent worrying is unnecessary worry and stress. So it is definitely better to be an optimist rather than a pessimist. An optimist would be disappointed only 10 percent of the time!
Sir William Osler, a famous medical man of his time was one of the founders of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and later became the Regius Professor of Medicine at Oxford. In 1913 addressing students of Yale University, he gave them some profound advice on how to live a stress-free life.
In his lecture titled a “A Way of Life” he recalls how as a young medical student struggling to pass his examinations he was inspired by the following words of Thomas Carlyle; “Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand”. He advised the students to live in day-tight compartments like the water tight compartments of a great ocean liner where at the touch of a button the bulkheads can be closed. He advised the students to “touch a button and shut out the Past – the dead yesterdays. Touch another and shut off, the Future- the unborn to-morrows. Then you are safe, safe for to-day”.
One of the favourite poems of Sir William Osler which he kept on his desk was ‘Salutation to the Dawn’ by the Indian poet Kalidasa:
“For yesterday is but a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision, But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, And every tomorrow a vision of hope”.
MediScene continues a new series on mental illness by Consultant Psychiatrist Dr. Raveen Hanwella. Dr. Hanwella who is attached to the National Hospital is also a Senior Lecturer in Psychiatry and Head, Department of Psychological Medicine, Faculty of Medicine, University of Colombo.
Something bothering you? Please write in to Dr. Hanwella C/o MediScene, The Sunday Times, No. 8, Hunupitiya Cross Road, Colombo 2 or e-mail: raveensundaytimes@gmail.com
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