Tomorrow is Nominations Day. Several political parties will finally make up their minds, and conclusively throw their respective candidates’ hats into the ring. Even if the poor, long-suffering voters are more likely to want several of the aspirants to throw in the towel, chuck up that posturing nonsense, bow out, take early retirement – but [...]

The Sunday Times Sri Lanka

Keep smiling, all you happy wooed voters!

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Tomorrow is Nominations Day. Several political parties will finally make up their minds, and conclusively throw their respective candidates’ hats into the ring. Even if the poor, long-suffering voters are more likely to want several of the aspirants to throw in the towel, chuck up that posturing nonsense, bow out, take early retirement – but you get the point, don’t you, dears?

Some Executive Hopefuls have it all. Looks (not all good), money (not all of it their own to begin with), influence, reputation, personality… yes, even brains (I said, some!). But what they lack is a certain je ne sais quoi, as one erstwhile incumbent in that august office might have said (her French was good, even if governance subsequently proved to be all Greek to her), not too many moons ago.

Let’s get to the res, shall we? A swift glance over the prospectuses of the pair of major Presidential Aspirants reveals a minor flaw common to both individuals. Now don’t get upset, gentlemen, and reach for the knout to beat some common candidate, I mean common sense, into this moujik – I’m already at my wit’s end, don’t you know…). What is it, the fatal flaw? Just this: That they are each under the strong impression (pretended, false, true, or simply mistaken) that they both know what is good for the people.

One of these, a benevolent demagogue, er, I mean democrat, thinks that adopting an agreeable posture at all times in public while reserving the right to allegedly throw tantrums in private is the way to go in terms of pleasing the hoi polloi. He might be accused of being willing to strike a bargain with the very devil itself to stay popular, populist, and well-beloved. In terms of strength, a solid parliamentary track record and a flair for visible leadership, he talks a good walk and is the front-runner by a hair’s-breadth, I’d reckon. You’re welcome, sir; no undue flattery intended, after all.

The other, a conservative republican, is in favour of restoring the ancien regime at all costs; which is to say that he appears to be a front for the Old Republican Guard and the Queen of Capitalism with a Human Face, combined. His plank struts about on peace with justice; abolition of the executive (now where have we heard that innovative prospect before?); and restoration of the Rule of Law… although he didn’t seem very keen on its writ when its long arm reached out for his kith and kin, time not out of mind…

The latter impresses me little. His strikes me as the kind of Nice Old Uncle who’ll promise indebted farmers to buy up their paddy, and then forget to mention that he knows someone who is the Godfather of the Paddy ‘Protection’ Board. The former impresses me less. He woos his voters by wearing a charming boyish grin, a charming boyish bandanna, and saying charming boyish things to all and sundry – except, of course, the traitors and turncoats and internationalists and the sections of the media that have yet to fall in love with him or fall for his line…

Makes me miss the days of dear old Madam! She at least convinced even the most cynical of her critics that what you saw was what you got. Or didn’t get. Until quite late, anyway. By the way, does anyone remember the colossal traffic jams her “movements” use to cause? I remember one particularly egregious one – one that held up a bridal retinue and made most of Colombo cry. Yes, it’s true. I heard it on the radio. So it must be true. There was this groom left waiting at the altar on the day of some awful snarl. Disheartened, he was, that his bride-to-be could not make it in time due to the then presidential convoys clogging up all the city’s main arteries. So the staunch bride radioed in a message to her waiting beau: “Darling,” she said (or words to the following effect): “No matter how long it takes, I am going to be your wife tonight.” I wept buckets behind the wheel – and not because I was stuck between hordes of people brought into town to mimic mindless cattle on their way to the slaughterhouse, I mean station for voting.

Now all this is well and good for a populace that is willing to wait “no matter how long it takes” for its Presidential Hopefuls to grow up and become statesmen. But haven’t we as a people been left at the altar too many times before? Methinks it’s time to sign a prenuptial with our Hopeful Presidentials – before we tie the knot with one of these suddenly-grown-so-ardent suitors.

Here’s a Radical Idea (and I don’t mean casting your ballot in favour of the Red Brigade; although if they continue in the principled vein they have taken of late, I might do so myself). What if we prepare OUR OWN election manifesto and present it to the candidates? They could include Policies WE’D like to see. They should underline Principles WE’D like them to espouse. They would, if well-thought-out enough, encompass Plans, Projects, and Programmes WE’D like to see them implement. Once WE voted them into Power! They seem to want to please US, after all, don’t they? Let’s make it that much easier for them…

So let’s put up OUR OWN posters, dears. Do write in and shout it out, you no-more-virginal bride who is the Sri Lankan voter en-bloc. Your future ‘national husband’ awaits your pleasure!

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