Man of non-sober habits seeks wild girl….caste, creed immaterial!
I am not sure how Queen Victoria ever got married. She was not a very pretty girl to start off with and she was quite formidable and not easily amused! She however, had the distinct advantage that she was the Monarch, as well as the Empress of India. Taken together, these must have constituted a substantial dowry.
As she was the Monarch, Royal Protocol decreed that she should make the first move. I presume she placed an ad in The Times of London to the effect:
“Young monarch, pretty and fair-skinned, distinctive features adorn all stamps and coins of realm. Owns Britannia and further property called India. Would like to get betrothed to young man of Germanic origin.Caste, creed immaterial. Smokers welcome. Reply with recent portrait.
P.O Box 1, London, Britannia”
Meanwhile, in far off Germany, her cousin Albert, a smoker, saw the ad and responded. She proposed to him (repeat: She proposed to him!) on the 15th October 1839, just five days after he had arrived at Windsor. They were married on February 10, 1840.
Following my recent return to the old Republic of Sri Lanka, I am pleased to see that newspaper marriage proposal ads are still a part of life and still do provide considerable amusement of a perverse kind!
Actually, these were brought to my notice by my lovely-but-loud niece, Samanmalee aka “Sam”. One Sunday morning I was having my usual cup of plain tea, when she breezed in. “Here you are Uncle!” she said thrusting a newspaper in my face and pulling my beard at the same time. “Get a life! Get married again!” she exhtorted and laughed.
I had a look. I was intrigued and I am also thick-skinned.
Caste/creed immaterial
Most seem to be looking for grooms for girls of the marriageable age and are generally straightforward and boring, but quite often one comes across the gem “Caste/creed immaterial” which makes one wonder: Are the parents liberal minded or are they just desperate to get rid of their daughter because she is rather wild? Does she come home smelling of booze and listing to starboard and with smeared lipstick?
The other one is the “owns property in excess of Rs 10 shillion” carrot. Again, sheer desperation? Or are the parents financial crooks?
Then there are the “respectable parents”, in case someone might be looking for “thoroughly despicable, morally corrupt parents”.
Another one is the “good-looking 49 yrs. looks about 38 yrs.” bit, but you never see the reverse of that: “ugly 38 yrs. looks about 49 plus”!
There also seems to be a glut of “fair-skinned” girls and a serious shortage of dark-skinned ones, or even olive-skinned ones.
There is of course the usual demand for Doctors, Engineers and Lawyers but no one seems to want Policemen or Tax Inspectors, except in India.
My Delhi correspondent Anil tells me that, in India, there is a demand for Police officers and for “IRS boys”, IRS being Inland Revenue Service, the reason being that both derive a large income from bribes.
Again, there seems to be a demand for UK, Australian or even USA passport holders but not much demand for those holding passports of Bangladesh, Pakistan or Burkina Faso. Why parents want their “mild mannered” daughters to go and settle down in the decadent west is a mystery.
As far as grooms go, most on offer are the boring “handsome, teetotaller and non-smoker” type. None are described as “hell-raisers” and all seem to be gainfully employed as well. How boring!
Coronary status no bar……
Things seem to change once one gets out of the marriageable age band, or is widowed or divorced. The Sands of Time are running out! Things suddenly get desperate. Out come the “caste/creed immaterial” bit and the “horoscopes not required” one. Or this one: “Age or coronary status no bar”.
How about this one: “Doctor daughter pretty fair slim 38 yrs divorced from namesake marriage due to misalliance”.
Hmmmm. It is nice to know that even Doctors are human and get into misalliances! Or is it mis-diagnoses that I am thinking about?
Honesty is the best……
If I ever get the urge to marry again, I am going to be brutally honest with myself when I place an ad in the papers:
“Desperate man of non-sober habits seeks crazy, wild girl of any age in short dress. 62, but looks 70.
Retired.Crazy.Unkempt beard. Bald. Wears shabby t-shirts. Hates cricket.
Divorced, guilty party. Straitened circumstances, ex-wife took half. No encumbrances. No property. No car. No nothing.”
Actually, Sam my niece, (35+, slim, tall, fair-skinned, long black hair tinted rusty-brown, loud-mouthed and a girl of non-sober habits), wrote it for me!
I will have to ask the Postman to stand by for the expected overwhelming response!
Further reading
Scholars of this subject should read Indian marriage proposals. Try “The Hindu” classifieds on line. The Hindu is a prestigious Indian newspaper. The following examples are Indian matrimonials from various sources:
SINDHI/PUNJABI – Holy conjunction invited from parents of Bible believing boy, not more than 27 years. Prospective Bride has to attend early morning mass on Sundays…..Own copy of Bible desirable.
CHRISTIAN NADAR, 24 yrs, MBBS, MD looking for suitable affluent groom, also doctor (MD/MS). Send copy of medical records including recent ECG.Minor arrhythmias acceptable. No cardiomyopathies please!
PROTESTANT TELUGU boy 30/5Â’8 B.Com, F.I.A.T Aviation Diploma.Wants high flying girl with or without pilot’s licence.
R.C. TAMIL boy 32/5Â’2 B.C.S, M.C.M Structural Engineer(63,000/-) seeks bride with a solid foundation. Superstructure immaterial.