Where's your endangered
There are some things that ought to be on an endangered
list or better yet extinct. Why? Because they are hazardous to our
health – mental, emotional and physical; in fact such Should-Be-Banned
(SBB) objects have been known to induce cringing, shuddering, hysteria,
uncontrollable rage and even nausea in victims. The number of SBBs
are potentially unlimited – because each person undoubtedly
has their own. Anything from screaming babies in confined spaces
to certain shades of pink make the cut. I have my list. Where's
yours? Let's compare!
|There are only so many booms one can take
These guys are the band from hell (and no, we don't mean this in
a good way). The occasional heavy metal group might claim to be
inspired by demons, but when it comes to hellishness, they have
nothing on the Vengaboys. You would think that someone would have
ensured this band's CDs were, if not wiped out, then at least banned
in public places. But, no, they're still hip and happening. In fact
there is a certain café in our very own fair city that has
a Vengaboys CD which they play again, and again ... It's no surprise
I only go there when I'm about to keel over from starvation.
Why do I despise the Vengaboys? No, it's not the
fact that they can sing shalalala in the morning while the rest
of the world is still fumbling around for coffee; no, it's not that
they're so obviously trying to hard to be cute, or that they pretend
to 'travel' around in a brightly painted bus that would do Scooby
Doo proud…it's the sheer empty headedness of their music that
Case in point, the lyrics for "Boom Boom
Boom Boom." Don't remember? I would love to refresh your memory,
but in this case, ignorance is bliss. Suffice to say that "Boom
Boom Boom Boom," is filled to overflowing with boom booms.
This band's lyric writing skills make an appearance
in some of their other hits, such as "Cheekah Bow Bow (That
Computer Song)," (yes, really) and "We're Going to Ibiza."
Of course there's also the one that goes "I only kiss kiss
kiss when the sun don't shine! Oh Ohoh! Oh Ohoh!" (Double shudder).
I figure that their only real competition was
probably Aqua. I think "I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world,"
is all the excuse anyone will ever need to commit barbie-cide.
|Warning: Cute little tykes and their squeaky
Squeaking sneakers on active kids:
Travelling is one of those activities that really strains the soul.
Delays, baggage thieves, messy public toilets and equally stressed
co-passengers all combine to ensure you're very glad to finally
get where you're going. But if there's one sound that strikes the
fear of God into my heart, it's the squeakity-squeak-squeak of some
little kid's sneakers.
When I pry open an eyelid and attempt to face
the little monster, I always find myself a victim of temporary blindness,
caused (as you have probably guessed) by the little flashing lights
that blink in time to the squeaking. On a good day, I can get up
and remove myself from the vicinity. However, on a bad day, I will
find myself paralysed by this terrible sensation. My teeth clench,
my spine shudders and I feel like someone is dragging a chalk across
the blackboard of my soul.
Undoubtedly, the cute little tykes are not to
blame. Instead, (as always) there's a shadowy adult somewhere in
the background who thought this was either sooo adorable, or that
it was the perfect way to keep track of their errant child. It's
enlightening to note that these very adults would balk at handing
their progeny a drum set, but will not hesitate to inflict shoes
harbouring a possessed Casio on an unsuspecting public.
|For those who get caught to call waiting,
there are bad days and good days
Air Supply and company on call waiting:
Journalists get this a lot. It's almost a fact of life. Now there
are good days, and there are bad days. On a good day it's a radio
station playing The Fray. On a bad day it’s –
(a) “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”
(b) “My Heart Will Go On”
(c) Mariah Carey making yet another attempt to shatter glass.
There are actually a whole assortment of these
little tunes. “Summer Of '69” which might have been
(though I doubt it) a good song before every DJ on this island played
it a gazillion times is a prime example, as is "You Fill Up
Almost as bad is the little instrumental rendition
of "Unchained Melody." Somebody stop me… I think
I'm going to go after the panpipe player and torture him. How? Put
him on an international flight and have them play his CD five hours
|Stop the spam! I like me just the way I am
Spam mail promising…err…well,
all sorts of things:
I wish people would stop sending me e-mails that promise to triple
sizes and supply me with Viagra. It seems no one is exempted from
this treatment – not even women who do not in fact need either
of these. How many do you get? I average about 30 a day. And If
it's not e-mails with this sorta content, then its e-mails promising
me more money then I ever dreamed of or a better, easier diet…which
goes to show you where society's priorities lie, no?
Among the more annoying, of course, is the stuff
that you can't label junk.
The ones that have "re:" in the address
bar, or seem to come from someone you know, are absolutely misleading.
Of course it must be admitted that some spam is
more entertaining than annoying. Ever got one of those that goes
along the lines of: "I'm a lonely widow in Dubai who just happens
to have millions of dollars to give away to a worthy cause?"
Yes, baby, you could just be the lucky person she picks. Keep believing,
hope, after all, is what keeps us alive. Just don't hold your breath.