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12th March 2000

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The Mystery behind stag nights

By Nightwatchman

Stag nights are supposed to be wishy-washy affairs - done undercover, and arousing much suspicion particularly in the female of the species. But, for a regular stagger, (annually that is) there is nothing so staggering about stag nights.

Sure, stag nights are only for stags, but are men invited to hen-parties? Or slumber parties? (...Not that this matters...but...that settles that.)

Of course the concealed nature of a stag night adds to the allure, but for the men it can end up sometimes like a rugger scrum in the middle of the night. The rugger scrum situation of course begins when the welcome drinks have been served, and everybody has tanked up. Nowadays, these stag nights have become appallingly organised but being organised is good too - because of the food stall that offers a variety of eats to most who are there anyway on a strict liquid diet.

Latterly some of the school stag nights have become gargantuan affairs, and since I am being paid by 60 curious females to write this article, to the tune of a hundred thousand dollars, I might as well let on everything at the risk of getting debarred from the next school stag.

But anyway, of course, stag nights are pretty loud affairs, with the Gypsies or Thattaya or some other show-stopper in attendance. These people, incidentally, make 90% of their annual earnings at the school stag nights.

Their singing, can be somewhat off colour, and girls, believe me, this is the only really serious thing that happens at a stag night. All this secrecy really, is for nothing. Since another thousand dollars is being offered, maybe some more insignificant details can also be let on, I guess...

I remember an old contributor to a weekend newspaper saying that the rugger scrum situation in a stag party develops when the lady who does the dancing ends up doing so on a floor space the size of a postage stamp. But correction; in this digital age, that would be 'the floor area of a micro chip'.

The men are of course in various stages of undress by this time - nothing lewd of course, just shirts off etc., due to the heat of the unsilent night. Ah, and another thing.

One of these school stags, which now draws up to two thousand people, have an all girl welcoming party. They are attired in school colours, the girls, but that's as far as they can get. Actually, the girls at the gate are a reminder, a last reminder, to those who might not come out of the experience, that there is such a species on earth.

For a thousand dollars more, all I can say is that since people come from far afield as America etc., for our stag nights, that there is some female entertainment provided while the Gypsies or whoever do their gig. I mean it wouldn't be fair otherwise, would it, because these people from abroad are here for a short time, and will never get a chance of seeing Sri Lankan ladies while they are on their holiday.

Few things happen between the time these ladies start dancing, and end up dancing on a micro chip size space. Nothing distracts from the loud and off-colour songs though.

What are these things that happen? Nothing forbidden by the penal code, really. If the guys can have their shirts off, the girls too demand that they be allowed to be less dressed - and though there are loud protests always, the organisers finally allow this really. These schools never practice sexual discrimination.

Generally, by which time, the Gypsies are so charged that they sound more like the aborigines. All this kind of thing goes on till the wee hours of the night until the postage stamp - sorry, microchip stage of the proceedings arise.

Question is, is it strictly a stag night then, if women are allowed in? That's right folks, there is no discrimination there either. Who says a girl can't get into a stag night? Some do, and they come all the way from Russia too, to get into it. These people are enterprising. And they are not even charged any tickets. Guess what, they are even paid for it. Discrimination, my (terribly sore) foot!


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