20th December 1998
1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2.While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3.Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4.While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5.Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6.Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7.Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8.Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9.While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10.Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11.Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12.Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13.While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14.Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15.Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16.Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17.Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18.Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19.Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20.Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
A letter from a Christmas turkey
by Laura E. Richards
Dear Little Ones:
A very suspicious-looking man came into the barnyard the other day. He looked all around among my brothers and cousins. Then he pointed at me and said, "A big fellow." This made me feel very proud.
When he put his hand into his pocket, I supposed he was going to give me some corn. Instead he counted out money to my master. Then I knew he would take me away, and I began gobbling good-bye to my relatives and friends of the barnyard.
Now I am alone in the little pen he brought me to. I have been thinking of all this fuss over me, and having so many good things to eat must mean something. I gobbled to some other fowls running about in a yard, and found out from them that it was almost Christmas-time.
Now let me ease your tender little hearts about my career being so suddenly cut short. I want to tell you that in Turkeydom it is considered a great glory to be the centre of attraction at a Christmas dinner-table; to be dressed up in a nice brown coat; to be surrounded by sparkling jellies, rich cranberry sauce, and all the other good things; to hear the children cry, "Oh! Oh!" and the papas and mamas say, "What a fine turkey!" This is what we live for, my little dears. So, when I have gobbled my last gobble, don't be sorry for me.
Yours, when fat,
Richards, Laura E. (1850-1943) "Four Feet, Two Feet and No Feet; or Furry and Feathery Pets, and How They Live" Boston: Page, 1886
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