It’s not even Valentines’ Day yet, and I’m so sick of love songs. (If you’ve heard My Heart Will Go On remixed to a disco beat, even the most sentimental among you will be forced to concede my point.) Of course, I wouldn’t want to be counted with those hardened, cynical souls who despise everything red and heart-shaped, and so I will say that there are good love songs and very, very, very bad love songs.
Unfortunately, the cornier they are, the harder it is to get them out of your head. Don’t believe me? Take the quiz – but keep an eye out for that fat kid with wings and sharp, pointy arrows.
1. What will Meatloaf do for love? Spot the odd one out.
a. He’ll do anything
you’ve been dreaming of
b. He’ll run right into hell and back
c. He’ll stop singing
2. Sometimes, movie stars spoil a perfectly happy ending by being practical. Sure, she’ll always love him but what will Whitney take with her when she leaves Kevin behind?
a. that totally awesome sword
b. bittersweet memories
c. an aversion to anyone named ‘Farmer’
3.Enya had the good sense to refuse to appear on the soundtrack for this movie – but it went on to become one of the best selling albums of all time anyway. Which one was it?
b. The Notebook
c. Jerry McGuire
4. This incredibly popular track was written for City of Angels. In it, the singer says he doesn’t want the world to see him because they...
a. wouldn’t like him
b. would like him too much
c. wouldn’t understand him
5. According to Billy Joel, these are the things you can do and still be a woman for him. True or False?
a. Carelessly cut him and laugh while he bleeds
b. Kill with your smile
c. Wound with your eyes
6. How many languages can Sade’s Smooth Operator make love in?
1.c Unfortunately, the one thing that might gotten him some love, was the one thing Meatloaf didn’t promise his girl. In the meantime, after 12.01 minutes of musical angst, audiences are still left asking, what exactly is the ‘that’ that he won’t do? Wikipedia has composer Jim Steinman claiming that clues are hidden in the verses, good luck spotting them.
2. b Who remembers this was originally a Dolly Parton song? Though Bodyguard won six Golden Raspberry Award nominations, including Worst Picture, some critics like Roger Ebert noted the movie explored the “guarded passion that grows between two people who spend a lot of time keeping their priorities straight.” The studios rejected this script 67 times, probably assuming (not incorrectly) that we all prefer tales of fictional lovers who are willing to do all sorts of stupid things to be together.
3.a. If only Celine Dion’s love anthem had met the same fate as the Titanic, the world would have been a better place. Unfortunately, over 30 million people showed enough bad taste to go out and buy the soundtrack. Outnumbered and appalled, we also had to watch My Heart Will Go On winning an Oscar for Best Original Song.
4.c. To be an angel or not to be an angel, that is the question. Sigh. Tough choice, Nic Cage.
5. True. Joel’s lady love might sound more like a hired assassin, but the song is actually his loving tribute to his wife – a woman who took over managing his career with what appears to be a ruthless efficiency. Unsurprisingly, the two divorced in 1982.
6. b. Smooth Operator won Sade many fans. Though the song has been used to sell everything from a James Bond perfume to a documentary on Tupac Shakur, it has also been lampooned by various comedians. Shaun Micallef made fun of the lines ‘Coast to coast / L.A. to Chicago’ because of their lack of geographical accuracy – “Good thing she’s a smooth operator, not a tour operator.”
By Rukshani Weerasooriya
Having pointed and laughed at Valentine’s Day my whole life, I think the time has finally come for me to stop laughing and to face it like a grown up. A grown up who is likely to write a regretful note in next Sunday’s paper to counter this one. Nevertheless, this year I refuse to be glum, disgusted or annoyed by people’s attempts at romance. On Monday the 14th I promise to live a little. To be a little less jaded and a little more like someone who is on a mission to be normal and to enjoy normal things, despite the annoyingness of it all.
My plan of action, which I hope you can glean something from, is as follows:
Admit to the world that I am a hopeless romantic and that the only reason I say I hate Valentine’s Day is because I’ve got accustomed to saying that (after certain disasters of the past). It is time to put the hate behind. I LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY.
Allow for a little confidence in those boys who really have no reason to be confident, because it is VALENTINE’S DAY after all, and on VALENTINE’S DAY every man stands a chance.
Refrain from reminiscing about bygone Valentines’ dates, presents, surprises etc. They are in the past, and there is a reason why they aren’t going to have any part in the present or the future. (On the bright side, they probably still cringe like you do at the very thought of the past!)
Be optimistic, if only for one day. Not all men are pigs (or so I’ve been told). Some have hearts. Some even let their hearts get involved in the things they do. I will, for one day, and for one day only, have more faith in that kind of man. I promise to admit, for one day, that I have, in the past, demonstrated terrible taste in men, and that the future is brighter just by my knowing this fact.
So there. I said it. I am completely OK with the world going silly and red tomorrow. I am in fact going to enjoy it!