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America, change we can! Lemme show you the door to Paradise!
By Rypvanwinkle

My Dear Barack,

I thought I must write to you to congratulate you although I think Mahinda maama must have done so already on behalf of all of us in Paradise Isle. Then, I thought I could also provide you with some valuable advice that could come in handy during your Presidency.

Now, Barack, I heard you say during your campaign that you would quickly see an end to the war in Iraq. I am not sure whether that is quite a good idea. You see, the world economy is heading towards a recession, everybody is being asked to tighten their belts and before you could say ‘George Bush’, all the Americans will be blaming you for this, Barack.

Now if you have a war going on in some corner of the world, Barack, you could appeal to their sense of patriotism and always ask people to make sacrifices. Why, you could even use a slogan like ‘Api Venuven Api’, tell everyone you will somehow win the war in Iraq-even though that is only a distant dream- and believe me, they will be ready to forgive and forget all your other sins and let you carry on regardless...
Then, Barack, I know there is a robust and independent media culture in the United States but I think that is something you must look at again. You know, giving licences to these television and radio stations to do as they please is quite risky-they could even ruin your political career. So, what you could do is tell them that their licences need to be renewed every year-and that one of your Secretaries will be empowered to do so.

Then, no one can accuse you of muzzling the media and you can even go around saying that you are all for a free media, but you will still retain effective control, Barack. Of course, you might run into some problems if the media chaps challenge your laws in your highest courts, but then that is a different story altogether!

Now, when you assume office in January, Barack don’t try to play Santa Claus and give away too many goodies to the people. For instance, everyone knows that world oil prices have hit rock bottom but that is not a reason for you to reduce your oil prices and pass on the benefits to the consumer.

What you must do instead, Barack, is keep the prices as they are-or reduce them just a wee bit-and rake in the profits as much as possible. People will complain, but as I said before, if you have a war going on in Iraq for example, they will just grin and bear it!

I know you must be quite busy these days formulating a team of key government officials for your administration, Barack, but remember, the best solution to picking the right man for the right job is to give something for everyone.

That way, your team may number well over a hundred, but you can rest assured that they will all crave for the plums of office and will support you no matter what happens, instead of trying to stab you in the back every now and then. Of course, it would be even better if you could convince some Republicans that they won’t have a chance of returning to power in a hurry and get a few of them to crossover as well!
Anyway Barack, best of luck-you are sure to need a lot of it in the four years to come!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha

PS-And while on the topic of picking your team, it is indeed a pity that you have no brothers and have only a half-sister instead. If you had, you could have appointed them as Secretary of State, Defence Secretary and White House Chief of Staff. Even so,make sure that everything important remains within the family, will you? Then, you can replace the Bush dynasty with the Obama dynasty. Believe me, the people simply love replacing one dynasty with another, because that is what we did here in Paradise Isle!

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