19th March 2000

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Jokes Corner

The Pearls

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,'' smiled the first.

The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."

A man's world

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

Curing hiccups

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming and she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though didn't it?"

Learning Yiddish

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town.

They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" They both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in, so no one else will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Learning Math

Pepito is at home doing his math homework.

Pepito: "Two plus five the son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six the son of a bitch is nine" In that moment, his mother comes in: Mother: "Pepito, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!" Pepito: "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

Mother: "And is that what your teacher taught you?" Pepito: "Yes." The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Pepito's school to talk to the teacher.

Mother: "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math." Teacher: "Oh, sure. We are learning addition problems."

Mother: "And are you teaching them to say two plus two the son of a bitch is four?" Teacher: "No way! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

Letter from Kerryman's Mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved.

About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in, but it hasn't been working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice this week, first for four days and then for three days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

Your loving Mother.

P.S.:I was going to send you five pounds but I had already sealed the envelope.


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheekyfaced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him.''

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

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