Arts
Making America great again
I was reminded of a quotation from the aptly-titled Coming To America when Prince Akeem remarks, “Fascinating! Semmi, look at this! America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, one can throw glass on the streets!” But fear not dear readers. Help is at hand. Join us as we attempt to repair the tear in the space-time continuum, close the stargate, and bring balance to The Force. We’re here to show you that America can be great again.
Honourable mentions: Big Trouble in Little China, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Dazed and Confused, Clueless
Top Gun
Things have really come full-circle when it comes to villains in Hollywood. History has always mirrored art a bit in this respect. The Russians used to be the ‘Big Bad’ back in Reagan’s 80’s America, and after relinquishing their film-villain crown to the Chinese / North Koreans / vaguely Middle-Eastern terrorists, they are back on point again more recently with Putin’s aggressive posturing and very real annexation of Ukraine. Top Gun is a throwback to the brilliant 80s; where fighter-pilots were all reckless cowboys with daddy-issues, women weren’t featured in the US military, and playing sweaty naked buttock-slapping volleyball with other men was the least homoerotic thing (a pre-Scientology) Tom Cruise was up to.
It is also one of my absolute favourite films of all time. It has Val Kilmer’s sociopathic Iceman, E.R.’s Anthony Edwards providing comedic relief as Goose, and a whole host of other fighter jocks with cool nicknames (Viper, Joker, Jester, Hollywood, Merlin, Wolfman etc). Don’t pretend that you didn’t zoom around your living rooms pretending to be one of the American F-16s going ‘inverted’ against the dastardly Commie MiGs. I know you all gave yourselves a trendy call-sign, you’re amongst friends here. With a nostalgic soundtrack (featuring Berlin’s ‘Take My Breath Away’, and Kenny Loggins’ ‘Highway To The Danger Zone’) and some of the best dogfighting scenes ever captured on screen, it still holds up to repeat viewings today. Do yourself a favour; suit up, don the fake Aviator sunglasses you bought from Pettah market, and prepare to feel the need. The need for speed.
Favourite quote: “Son, your ego is writing cheques that your body can’t cash!”
Coming to America
B before Daddy Day Care,and WAY before Norbit…..there was Coming To America. Imagine if you will, a time where Eddie Murphy actually made funny films (Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, 48 Hrs). In fact, human history should probably use pre and post Norbit (B.N. and A.N.) as a measure of marking historical time. It was a low-point of civilization after all. That aside, CTA is nearly the opposite of that monstrosity. It is the quintessential fish-out-of-water story in a wonderfully 80s New York setting, featuring Arsenio Hall, James Earl Jones, Cuba Gooding Jnr, Samuel L. Jackson, plus a cornucopia of other famous Afro-American cast members. Yes there are some fairly questionable racially-insensitive African stereotypes on display, and some bizarre dance choreography (done by a then-unknown Paula Abdul) but the film is worth watching for the barbershop scenes alone. Quotable, nostalgic and (when viewed through the retrospectacles of childhood) a cult classic.
Favourite quote: “But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend”
Armageddon
Yep, we’re bringing out the big guns. No self-respecting list about making America great again, would be complete without Michael Bay films (this is one of two to make the list). About as unashamedly “’USA USA USA!” as Hollywood blockbusters get, an All-American team of heroes basically save the world from an Earth-threatening asteroid. Yes, Jason Isaacs pops up as the requisite ‘genius’ (because English accents lend cerebral credibility) and Bay stalwart Peter Storamore hams it up as a kooky Cosmonaut, but this is essentially some good ole’ ‘Murican boys standing up for the rest of the planet. It’s got a stellar cast, some excellent set-pieces and a lot of shots of Bruce Willis scowling at Ben Affleck. Couple this with a behemoth song (Aerosmith’s, impossible not to sing-along to, I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing) and we dare you not to shed a tear at the bit where…..well y’know…the sad bit at the end. <Sniff sniff> I’m NOT crying at a Willis/Affleck film, it’s just meteor dust in my eye.
Favourite quote: “You know we’re sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder.”
xXx
This was Vin Diesel’s proper breakout role after the success of The Fast and The Furious. With a new XXX instalment due in Jan 2017, we look back fondly on this rather bonkers tale of Xtreme Sports (yes, we meant to spell it that way) athlete turned Secret Agent (yep, you read that plot correctly). The stunts are equal parts impressive and ridiculous (one of the stuntmen even died during filming). One of the first scenes sees Vin drive a sports-car off a bridge and then parachute off it before it crashes into the ground. He also sleds around a ski lodge on a metal serving-tray, and Superman’s a motorbike through a burning prison. I’m not making any of this up!
These antics are nothing less than you would expect when the main protagonist is named ‘Xander Cage’ (probably the most ‘ESPN Bro!’ name the writers could come up with). The late Michael Roof has a lot of fun as Vin Diesel’s ‘Q’-esque foil, Samuel L. Jackson pops up as a Nick Fury pre-cursor, and the wonderful Marton Csokas chews though scenery with an even more hammed-up Russian version of his normally nationality-bending Hungarian/Kiwi accent.
Still, there is only one star here. Brimming with charisma, bravado and liberal amounts of testosterone, Vin rules the roost. From the moment a tuxedoed spy stumbles into an adrenaline-charged fire-fuelled Rammstein gig amongst the gothic architecture of Prague, one thing is clear; casinos and suave Brits are out. James who? THIS film, runs on Diesel power.
Favourite quote: “You know, if you’re gonna ask someone to save the world, then you better make sure they like it the way it is”
Bad Boys 2
Much-beloved of action-aficianados and the second Michael Bay film on the list, this showcases exactly what America does best; shoot guns, blow things up, make foreigners the bad-guys, and provide great entertainment if you don’t have to endure it for too long. At one point they are actually launching cars from the back of a an articulated- lorry, and even manage to sink a boat…in downtown Miami. Even the most self-conceited film critic would be hard-pressed not to enjoy watching this (though its running time is at least 30mins over what is necessary, we get it Michael Bay, you have a huge….<ahem> budget, we don’t need another explosion to prove it).
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are perfectly paired, with their banter effortless and hilarious (YouTube the scene with the hapless Reggie). As is custom in action flicks, the baddies have great fun with their characters, Peter Storamore and Jordi Molla over-act sublimely, taking their (even normally) OTT accents up to 11. The plot is absolute dross of course, but that’s not the point at all. Glitzy, glamorous, this is playboy Miami on a plate. In fact it’s really the celluloid extension of the American Dream.
Let’s hope by the time Bad Boys 3 drops in 2018, the US has managed to scupper the good ship Trump on a rocky shore of right-wing angst, and righted her course towards making herself great again.
Favourite quote: “I think we just broke the record for the number of gunfights in one week”