If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and harkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.
A Valediction Forbidding,
Mourning - John Donne
“As John Donne so rightly put it, Bella was my centre and I always considered Bella and my family before I took any decision. I was never away from her for long periods of time. And when I was away on work I always looked forward to coming home,” says Dr. Godfrey Gunathilake reminiscing about his life with his wife Bella, his partner for 60 years.
It was a quiet anniversary celebration for the couple surrounded by their children and grandchildren last Saturday, September 19 at their Nawala home and it is a picture of total commitment to each other that emerges as they talk of the six decades of married life.
A founder of Marga Institute and one of the pioneers in social research in the country, Godfrey Gunathilake had an unconventional job which took him in and out of home. First as a civil servant and then as a consultant to different organizations such as the World Health Organization he had to strike a balance between home and work, For him, home always came first.
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| Bella and Godfrey Gunathilake |
Times were different, Bella smiles. “It was not like this, there were no facilities where you could make long distant calls and it would have been difficult if he was away,” she says.
They met when they were in their teens, just 18 and undergrads at the University of Ceylon. “We were both in the English Department and in the first year itself we got to know each other and by about the middle of that year we were inseparable,” says Godfrey recalling the beginnings of their long partnership.
“When we were in university I was offered a scholarship to study at Cambridge. But there was no way I would leave Bella and go for such a long time. It was not even an option. The only thing I had to think about was how I was going to get out of this situation as the head of our department had high expectations of me. But Bella was ill at the time and there was not a chance that I was going to leave her. For me I think this was a criterion for the strength of the partnership and this was the most important thing in life,” Godfrey said.
They have seen many changes in society and the people around them but through the years, their marriage has held strong. They have raised four children and had the good fortune to see the younger generation growing up. Bella proudly speaks of her five grandchildren who have all excelled in their different fields.
Married when they were 23, instead of a honeymoon they came to their rented home straight after the wedding.
“It was not a big, well equipped house but it was what we put together and for us it was everything. I think this set the tone in my life. For me home was central and I put this first and tried to strike a balance,” Godfrey said.
Bella remembers the time they spent in Jaffna in the early months after their wedding which was more like a prolonged honeymoon.
“Godfrey was posted in Jaffna as a cadet civil servant. Jaffna was a different culture altogether but people were nice to us and we were well looked after. My eldest daughter was born in Jaffna,” she said adding “where ever Godfrey went I followed him.”
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| From the album: The young couple at their wedding
in 1949 |
“I always wanted to take home with me wherever I went and so Bella ended up travelling with me to different parts of Sri Lanka and the world. It was the companionship that we shared that I cherished so much. I looked forward to coming home and talking about my day with Bella. I would tell her things and her input was always valued and it was this quality of the companionship that is vital for me,” Godfrey explained.
Being the youngest in the family Bella was hardly accustomed to housekeeping and cooking when she got married but she was a fast learner says Godfrey.
“I don’t remember her cooking going wrong ever,” he says. “She learnt the art well and after a time when her sisters came around to stay with us they would take over the kitchen and I would miss her cooking so much.”
For Bella help was always at hand, as one of her sisters either lived with them or lived close by and they were always there to help. This was a lesson even her husband learnt from her family.
“My family was a closely connected family and we did help each other. But when I married Bella I saw how her family came around to help one another out when the need arose. This taught me to do things different,” Godfrey said.
And what would they say was the best time of their life together? The question prompts some thought and it is Godfrey who replies, preferring not to single out any one moment. “If we say this one time period was the best time, then it wouldn’t be true and would not do justice to the rest of the time we have spent together. For me the best times are now and always. The sixty years, with both the good and the bad have been nothing short of what we wanted.” |
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