5th Column

My dear King Charles,

I am writing to you at this trying time after your brother Andrew was arrested for alleged ‘misconduct in public office’. I hope you won’t mind me not addressing you as ‘Your Majesty’. We are a republic now and not one of your colonies, though some still wish that power would pass from parent to child!

The reason I am writing to you is to offer you some tips and tricks to get out of the difficult situation you and Andrew find yourself in. These days, we in Paradise are quite used to high profile interrogations and arrests. As a result, some have perfected the fine art of dodging investigations.

Your Police doesn’t operate in the manner in which ours does, but Andrew could have asked for a couple of weeks’ time, so he could prepare for the questioning. You could have also had a word with Sir Keir to explore the possibility of him being questioned at home, instead of at the Police station.

If it becomes apparent that Andrew would still be questioned and arrested, you could have organised sections of the ‘public’ to give ‘voice cuts’ saying, for instance, that this is all a political conspiracy, possibly by Trump trying to take over your country or some leftists trying to overthrow the monarchy.

They could also protest outside the Police station where Andrew was being held, shouting various slogans. In this day and age where anyone with a phone is a potential journalist, such images and footage get flashed around the world. It can create an opinion that this is all a political witch hunt.

You must be relieved that Andrew was released after being grilled by the Police for more than 10 hours. However, that is not a reason to be complacent. There could still be another round of questioning and there is always the possibility that he could be detained. You must prepare for that.

It goes without saying, King Charles, that you have friends in high places. I am sure you can get half a dozen or so physicians in Harley Street to produce a medical report detailing how unwell Andrew is, and how sending him to remand prison even for a few hours could be potentially life-threatening.

So, even if Andrew is remanded by a court, he can be rushed to an Intensive Care Unit to be under the watchful eyes of the National Health Service instead of, ironically, His Majesty’s Prison Service. And, don’t forget to give him a copy of Boris Johnson’s memoir, ‘Unleashed’ to keep him occupied!

That way, when he is released, he can carry that copy of ‘Unleashed’, look relaxed and princely, even though he has shed his Royal titles now. You can then circulate such photos of him instead of the tired and scared photo of Andrew we saw the other day, slouched in a car and looking like a ghost.

In the meantime, there are other things to do as well, King Charles. You can convince people in religious robes to portray Andrew’s questioning as an assault against the Church of England, of which you are the head. You could even convince them to convene a conference of the clergy in London.

There is nothing like a gathering of those in religious robes raving and ranting against the authorities to get the masses mobilised. This might not save Andrew from being prosecuted but it might shift the limelight away from him, at least for some time. Religion, after all, is still opium of the masses!

Please don’t misunderstand. We know there is nothing going on against the Church. Yet, having such a gathering with vicars and bishops speaking about the threat to the Church of England can influence public opinion. Just make sure a decent number attend, not a few hundred after promising thousands!

All of this would have been made easier if you had an Attorney General handling the case instead of the Crown Prosecution Service. That way, I feel we are smarter than you, although, even with an Attorney General, one only needs an upstart additional solicitor to generally upset the applecart.

Still, King Charles, there is no need to panic. If everything else fails and Andrew is sent behind bars, there is always the option of exercising the ‘Royal Prerogative of Mercy’, which gives you the power to grant a pardon to anyone. After all, we know what lengths people go to get their brothers pardoned.

If you do that, make sure it is done properly and legally instead of just signing off on an order. Such pardons can be subjected to intense scrutiny and legal action. If you haven’t dotted the ‘i’s and crossed the ‘t’s properly, they can be revoked and he could be behind bars before you could say ‘Epstein’!

I hope these tips and tricks will help you. They should, because they have for us here in Paradise. Many say this will be a greater crisis than the abdication of King Edward 90 years ago or the death of Lady Diana almost 30 years ago. What can I say, King Charles, except, ‘God Save the King’!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha

PS: In your response to this incident, I heard you had said, “Let me state clearly: the law must take its course.” I am disappointed, King Charles. We in Paradise are so used to our leaders bending the law to suit themselves. What you should have done is to quote Dickens instead and say, “The law is an ass”!