Columns - 5th column

Quaking in their billion dollar boots!

By Rypvanwinkle

My Dear Wimal,

I thought I must write to you when I heard you say that you would not use American e-mail addresses or other American products as a mark of protest against the Americans bringing a resolution against Sri Lanka at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva.

We are so proud that we have a patriot like you who can stand up to the Americans and threaten to boycott their products when they are acting like big bullies and trying to impose their will on small countries like us, Wimal.

Why, who can forget that other daring deed that you performed many months ago when the United Nations Secretary General, Ban Ki Moon, decided to appoint a panel to inquire into the so-called war crimes committed in Sri Lanka?

On that occasion, you were brave enough to forego food and drink for three full days. It took all of Mahinda maama’s persuasive powers-and a glass of water-to convince you to call off your fast unto death. It was then that we first realised how patriotic you were Wimal.

I know there were many who ridiculed you when you called off that fast without really achieving anything except a lot of publicity and maybe the loss of a kilo or two in weight but after your latest announcement I am sure everyone will realise what a true patriot you are.

We know that you are fighting for a just cause, Wimal. Why, those Americans are moving resolutions against us while their soldiers are happily walking into Afghan villages and massacring civilians and others are urinating on corpses and burning the Koran. Coming from them, it’s a bit rich, isn’t it?

These chaps regularly bomb and kill Afghan civilians, killed thousands of civilians in Iraq just to get at the oil in that country and encouraged the British and French to do the same in Libya but they want to punish us for dealing with the most ruthless terrorist outfit in the world!

But then, these are typical Americans: no morals, no decent history of their own, just believing that they can do whatever they want and get away with it simply because they are the most powerful country on earth. And that is why we need someone like you to take on the task of challenging them.

Just imagine the possibilities, Wimal: without your e-mail address to support them, G-mail might close down. Without your patronage, I am sure Coca-Cola and McDonalds will collapse and the Google search engine will also crash when you stop using it!

After that happens, I am sure the Americans will withdraw their resolution at the United Nations and come grovelling to you, begging you to start using G-mail, drinking Coca-Cola and eating McDonalds again because they simply wouldn’t be able to survive without you!

It is such a brilliant idea, Wimal, that only someone with your level of intelligence would be able to come up with such a masterstroke. Ah, you are giving good old Gandhi, that other master of non-violent confrontation a run for his money!

Now, I heard that some of your Cabinet colleagues have distanced themselves from your request. They have said that this is your ‘personal’ view and that it is not official government policy. Of course it is. Who would believe that a government like ours could think of such a brilliant idea?

Don’t let that bother you, Wimal. I am sure some of your ministerial colleagues are jealous because they didn’t think of your tactics first and that is why they are not so keen about the idea. But surely you know by now that with friends like some of your cabinet colleagues, you don’t need enemies!

Of course, like any brilliant plan, Wimal, there are a few small problems in it and I wanted to alert you to those. That is the other reason I am writing to you now because I know that, being the genius that you are, you will surely sort something out.

For instance, almost all computers use software that is American, Wimal. So, if you are really that keen on boycotting all things American, you will have to give up computers altogether. I am not quite sure how you would cope with that, but I’ll leave that to you.

Think of all these issues, Wimal. I am sure you will succeed in your plan, even if you end up with no internet, no e-mail and no computers and living in the dark because the light bulb was also invented by an American. But then, just a few centuries ago we survived without those luxuries, didn’t we?

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha

PS-Can I also suggest something else that would be really patriotic, Wimal? Why don’t you stage another fast unto death, demanding that the Americans withdraw their resolution against us-this time for real, unlike the fast against the UN expert panel? That way, if they withdraw the resolution you will become an overnight hero, achieving what GL and Mahinda Sam couldn’t do together in Geneva. And even if they don’t withdraw their resolution, that would mean that you would really continue your fast unto death. Either way, Sri Lanka would be better off!

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