We have seen it many times and at different places - in the home, in markets, in bookshops and while on holiday. It seems like a standoff between parents and young children. Sometimes there is screaming and weeping, at others a sullenness that is difficult to deal with.
Here Clinical Psychologist Nishalie Fernandopulle speaks to Shavini Weerasekera not only on how to deal with temper tantrums but also how to prevent them.
What are temper tantrums?
Temper tantrums are a way that a young child conveys his or her emotions before they have learnt to effectively articulate their needs. It is a child's way of expressing his independence and his natural way of handling the changes that are taking place in his new environment.
The child may kick, scream, throw things or roll on the floor in fits of rage. Temper tantrums usually begin around the age of two and can continue through the toddler years until the child is about four years old.
What causes temper tantrums?
Temper tantrums are a normal part of development in young children. What is important for parents to keep in mind during such episodes is that your child is not purposely trying to annoy you. Temper tantrums in a young child are also no reflection of parenting skills.
Temper tantrums usually involve the child's parents or a close family member. Very rarely do tantrums involve outsiders but they can occur anywhere – in the privacy of your home or in a public place.
The Attention Principle
To understand how a child's mind works and what causes temper tantrums, we must consider the Attention Principle. Small children love attention. This attention can be either positive or negative. Positive attention may be a hug, a kiss or even some extra playtime with your child. At the other end of the spectrum is negative attention which may take the form of scolding, criticising or even spanking. Usually, naughty children are more often at the receiving end of negative attention and their rare occasions of good behaviour usually go unnoticed.
Consider this scenario. A mother, along with her two-year-old son, is going up and down the aisles of a supermarket selecting provisions. The boy, however, wants his mother to pay attention to him without buying vegetables. So he starts crying which develops into screams, while he pulls off items from the shelves. The mother is embarrassed, tells him off and pulls him towards her. The child has got what he wants - the mother's full attention, even though it is negative.
How should parents respond
to temper tantrums?
The key is to ignore and pay no attention to the kicking, screaming child in front of you. Try not to make eye contact with the child during the tantrum because that would be interpreted as giving in to the child's actions.
Don't show annoyance but try to be subtle in your approach. Move away from the child slowly, but stay in the room. Don't leave the child alone. A temper tantrum doesn't usually last a long time. Once the child realises that you don't care and screaming is not going to get him his way, he will soon stop (although initially, it will get worse).
As soon as the tantrum stops, give him your undivided attention. When he stops crying, distract him - maybe with a favourite toy. Praise him or give him a hug. In situations like this, consistency is the key. If you as the mother or father do not pay attention, but the grandparents fuss over the child during the tantrum, the child thinks that at least some of the people around him can be manipulated.
Unfortunately, ignoring a full-blown tantrum especially when it occurs outside your home is easier said than done.
Usually what starts off as a simple crying episode, reaches a screaming crescendo and your child starts rolling on the floor. Your initial resolve to pay no attention cannot be sustained, especially with strangers looking on.
That is when you either beg your child to stop, scold him or give into his demands. The child has got what he wants and next time he is made to do something he doesn't like, another temper tantrum will ensue.
How to act when tantrums
get out of hand
When a temper tantrum is difficult to ignore, especially if it disrupts the functioning of the family or the child resorts to breaking things or hitting an older sibling, a common method used abroad is 'timeout'.
There will usually be a designated 'timeout chair' in the house and if your toddler has a tantrum and hits his older sister, you tell him to sit there for a while. The chair should not be in an isolated place and he must not be forcibly strapped to it. If your child is two years old, the time in the chair will be two minutes, if the child is three, three minutes and so on but not exceeding five minutes.
This gives a chance for the toddler to calm down, after which he must be duly praised. If the child refuses to sit in the chair, impose an age appropriate consequence such as, "if you don't, you can't watch TV tonight". However, if you ultimately allow him to watch TV that night, this defies your initial purpose.
Meanwhile, try to think why tantrums occur and prevent them before their onset. Learn to read the signs. If you know a tantrum is bound to arise during a long journey, take along some toys to keep your child occupied. When taking the child on a visit, ensure the time does not coincide with nap or meal times. Try to get your child involved in your day-to-day activities. Reward him for good behaviour, by buying him a small chocolate if he has waited patiently until you finished your grocery shopping.
Can temper tantrums be
harmful to a child's health?
If temper tantrums occur at an alarming frequency or result in the child harming himself such as head banging or holding his breath until he loses consciousness, it may be advisable to consult the child's paediatrician. Such prolonged or violent tantrums may be a sign of another condition.
More often than not, however, temper tantrums are a part of growing up and it would be unusual for your child not to experience them during his toddler years. Common sense and keeping your own temper in check are the best weapons in dealing with such temper tantrums.
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