The Sunday Times Mirror - Coming to grips with criticism

What is the one thing that tells you the most about another person? Here's a hint, it isn't their favourite T.V serial. Dealing with criticism can really knock the stuffing out of you. Regardless of whether it comes from family, friends, or people at the workplace, criticism always packs quite a punch. Found yourself lying winded and face down in the mud recently? Pick yourself up.

The Options
The thing to remember is that you always have a choice. In this case, that choice has to be made between the moment someone offers you criticism and you react to it. Very broadly speaking such reactions fall into three categories. Which one most closely describes you?

Option 1: Homicidal Maniac (You dare criticise me? You DARE? I'm going to bludgeon you to death with my company issued stapler!)

Option 2: Hopeless Despair (I'm not fit to live…Where are the Cliffs of Dover when you need 'em?)

Option 3: Calm Analysis (Is this criticism justified? If yes, what should I do about it?)

We won't hide it from you: Option 3 is it - especially if your 10-year plan includes becoming CEO, maintaining a happy family and doing ok on psychological evaluations. Unfortunately, such a state of balance and calm is currently beyond most of us. Swinging from unadulterated rage, to helpless self pity may be pretty standard, but it is also entirely self defeating.

On the other hand, learning to handle criticism can be the best thing that ever happened to you. Why? If it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger.

The Analysis
When someone points the finger at you, it's natural to feel a little defensive. Try to get over that first reaction and instead consider the truth of what they're saying. Even if you find it humiliating to be honest with others about your shortcomings, take a good, long, hard look at yourself. Are you really slacking at work? Have you been taking shortcuts on your homework? Does your partner have a point when he says you haven't been carrying your share?

Take a moment to think about what the other person has just said. Hard though it might be, you will entirely miss the point if you automatically take the criticism personally. Even though it may not seem like it that, what this person is criticising is something you did or did not do, not who you are… that's a big difference right there.

You're also way off when you react aggressively to the criticism or immediately try to prove the other person wrong.

It only takes a little thinking to see that questioning your boss'/spouse's/friend's integrity is really not going to get you a happy ending.

If someone is offering you constructive criticism, try to see it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

Sure, they don't dole out general anaesthesia for this little operation and so it will be painful. This is good enough reason to pick up the phone and call that good friend who is not afraid of being honest. Talk things over with him or her, and you may be able to come to grips with what the real issue is.

Remember that at the end of the day, mucking up a couple of things doesn't make you the big, bad wolf. It's important to accept that just as you have your strengths, so too do you have weaknesses.

Keepin' it simple
If the criticism offered is true:

Accept it, but be gentle with yourself. This is not the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone moves on too.

If you know you're in the wrong, accept the responsibility. Keep it simple; avoid launching into endless explanations and excuses.

If possible, remedy the situation. Admitting your mistakes is the first step, and making a conscious effort to improve is the next. Try your damndest to ensure it never happens again. If you're not sure how to go about this, ask the person offering the criticism what they think you can do.

If it's not
If the person in front of you is obviously full of it, and you know what they're saying is at best, the result of ignorance and at worst, motivated by pure malice, you're still going to need a hefty dose of patience.

Try for calm. If you're beginning to froth at the mouth, excuse yourself, go somewhere private and count to ten while breathing deep. If that doesn't work, methodically tear a little paper to shreds.

If it's someone you're slightly in awe of - say your boss - try to stand strong. Don't agree with their evaluations of your performance or character if you feel they are incorrect. Nobody respects a doormat. Ask direct, specific questions to rule out the possibility of a misunderstanding.

If there's no resolution in sight and this person cannot see your side of things, step away, at least for a bit. Do it as respectfully as you can, for instance you could just 'agree to disagree' instead of heading off to prime your nuclear weapons.

Offering Criticism
Criticising someone is almost as hard as getting criticised, though it can be a lot more fun when it's the office creep you're pitching into. The truth is, handling the situation correctly can defuse a potential mine field of problems and still get you the results you want. For starters, it would be nice if the person you're criticising doesn't metaphorically shut their ears the moment you open your mouth.

To ensure this, begin with the good stuff. Most people tack on a vague compliment at the end of a tirade and expect it to count. Not surprisingly, it doesn't. Start by building on the person's strengths or saying something positive about the issue. For example, you could say, 'I admired the way you dealt with that client yesterday 'or 'Your strength of feeling shows how much your care about this.' This will soften your prey somewhat, making them more likely to listen to you.

Now launch into what is sometimes referred to as the 'four-part "I" message':

* Start by making an observation. Do this without attacking the person:

(Instead of saying "You've been very lax, you delayed every single assignment this week!" say "I noticed that all your assignments came in behind schedule this week.")

* Describe how you feel about the problem. ("I've found this difficult" or "I feel disappointed/angry/frustrated")

* Describe the consequences ("I have been unable to finish my part of the work on time," "I am unsure of…")

* Ask for help in resolving the problem.("What can we do to change this?"/ "How can we sort this out?")

Take control
Grab the bull by the horns. You might be really scared of criticism and criticising, but you needn't be a victim. Scared or not, there are many pros to actively seeking feedback and giving it when others could profit from it.

For one, open criticism helps to put things out on the table. Now your superiors/friends/family can let you know if something's bothering them and vice versa. This way, criticism comes at a time when both parties are aware and careful instead of in the middle of a fight or a stressful situation.

Such openness cuts out a lot of pointless and emotionally exhausting speculation, saving on time and energy. In the end, the new, improved, more pro-active you is not just a lot more fun to be around, you're also a lot more comfortable in your own skin.