Financial Times

Who's making you angry?
By Nilooka Dissanayake
Who is really making you angry? Why don't you tell them to buzz off; or physically make sure they cannot annoy you; take an injunction against them; or take any other action as you deem fit for this grave injustice and injury to you?
Try any of that and you will end up in deep trouble. Why? Because, if you believe the ultimate analyst of the mind, the Lord Buddha, YOU are the only person who can make you angry!

Okay, okay. I am glad I am not within close proximity from you "angry" people out there. But, let us think for a moment whether this apparently outrageous assertion could possibly be true.

To discover this, it is necessary to understand anger. The Oxford dictionary defines anger as "the strong feeling that comes when one has been wronged or insulted, or when one sees cruelty or injustice; the feeling that makes people want to quarrel or fight."

Mark Gorkin, the StressDoc (see www.stressdoc.com) talks of the "Four Angry 'I's."
*Injustice. A rule of conduct, a cherished belief or instrumental goal is being threatened or abused; you see yourself or others as a victim of an injustice, unfairness or disloyalty.

*Injury.
You feel disrespected, discarded or ignored; there's a sense of insult and humiliation along with injury that is often psychological which at times could also be physical.

*Invasion.
Your freedom, autonomy, boundary and personal space is perceived to be constricted, disrupted or violated; your identity and bodily and/or psychological integrity are being threatened or attacked.

*Intention.
There is an energy and determination to do something about the above injustices, injuries and invasions; you are ready - reflexively and/or purposefully - to challenge the status quo.

Anger, then, is a potential range of feelings, from irritation and determination to outrage and fury. According to the StressDoc, its breadth, depth, intensity and interactive potential is often forged by how one looks at the world through his or her "Four Angry 'I's."

The next thing to do is to find out how you respond to anger. Is your anger expression "purposeful" or "spontaneous"? Is your anger expression "constructive" or "destructive"?

You are "purposeful" when anger expression is intentional, with a significant degree of consideration or calculation; there is also a significant degree of self-control. You are "spontaneous" when anger expression is immediate with little premeditation or planning; there is little-moderate self-control.

You are being "constructive" when anger expression affirms and acknowledges one's integrity and boundary without objectively intending to threaten or violate another's integrity or appropriate boundary. Your anger is "destructive" when you defensively project and rigidly fortify your vulnerable identity and boundary by intending to threaten or violate another's integrity and boundary either intentionally or unconsciously.

So there are four possible types of anger expression modes which can be summarised in one or two words as you can see:

* Purposeful and Constructive Anger Expression - Assertion

* Purposeful and Destructive Anger Expression - Hostility either active (sarcasm) or passive (ignoring, being late etc.)

* Spontaneous and Constructive Anger Expression - Passion

* Spontaneous and Destructive Anger Expression - Violence

As you will now realize, it is all about responses coming from within you, either consciously or unconsciously. For example, I am famous-or should I say notorious-for the 'purposeful-constructive' type. I am a master of it. And it serves me very well at times.

However going through the other options I realise that I naturally tend towards sarcasm. Ten years ago my colleagues used to say that I visited the dentist to 'sharpen' my tongue periodically! But, sarcasm, my favourite pass-time, is now more or less in cold storage since going into business and becoming a media person.

As for the spontaneous types of anger, I am blessed that I have felt them rather rarely. But, I do not recommend anyone to try my spontaneity in this direction.
So, is it clear to you who's making you angry?

If it isn't, try a bit more reading and then take charge of yourself. To help you, I will touch on managing anger in the next issue of Ezine Athwela email magazine. If you have any comments you can contact us on ft@sundaytimes.wnl.lk or on 075-552524.

The writer is the Managing Editor of Athwela Vyaparika Sangarawa (Athwela Business Journal), the only Sinhala management monthly targeting the small and medium enterprises and its English version, Small Business International magazine.

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