Christmas shocking from Santa land
“IT’S A LIE!!!” roared Carrot Top. “THEY’RE LYING!”
The audience of elves broke into hysterical applause; stamping their feet, shouting, clapping.
It was a re-broadcast of the last election rally in Santa land; the post of Headelf usually filled by the next elf-in-waiting had turned into a two way race surprising everybody.
Carrot Top turned off the show. He loved that episode. He’d really socked it to his rival who’d thought that she would be a shoo-in. “Just because she’s a She-elf! And now, she’s on the shelf!”
Hillbilly Elf had thought she’d win. She assumed the femelves would love her and vote her in; she was next in line. To be doubly sure she’d begun dressing like the Old Man aka Santa, years and years before. In one-colour pantsuits. Not always in red, of course; that would have been unsubtle.
Carrot Top preened, readying himself for the first Redefining Strategy meeting with his staff; time to rework the List! He had his own ideas about who was deplorable and who was not!
He couldn’t wait to tell them!
An army of elves stood in serried ranks waiting to rush to carry out Carrot Top’s orders. With all this excitement about the Elections, the selection of gifts, wrapping and dispatching had all fallen behind.
His Chief of Staff approached. Elves staggered behind him carrying something.
Carrot Top found himself grinning. “What’s this?” he asked mildly.
“Hrr-hmm, it’s the LISTS, oh, Headelf! The Nasty list and the Nice list.
“Hmmmm,” Carrot Top pretended to study the lists. He walked around them, looming over them.
He sniffed them. He turned them over. “Change them around,” he said.
“Wha-what, Sir? You mean turn them over?”
“NO! I said change them around! THIS,” pointing to the Nice list – “is NASTY! And this,” pointing to the other, “is Nice! There! My plan! My secret plan! I kept it secret!”
“B –b-b-but…”
“”But nothing! I said what I said!”
“Sir, Carrot Top, Sir,” ventured Chief of Staff, “What should we send them? We have games, toys…”
“GUNS!” said Carrot Top. “Send them all guns! That’s what they want! And that’s what they’ll get. Send them Licences too!”
“But Sir, these are children!”
“So what? Start them young. That’s the spirit! That’s the plan.”
Carrot Top’s second favourite elf in the world had wandered into the meeting. It was his son Carrot Tip. “You like guns don’t you?” Carrot Tip stood blinking in the limelight, unsure he was ready for all this attention. “Sure, Dad,” he said amiably, “”Don’t I have lots?”
“There! You see! Out of the mouth of babes!”
“And what about those now on the Nasty list?”
“Those guys? Where do they come from anyway? Check their Birth Certificates! If anyone going back to the third generation was not from HERE, send them back!”
“B-but…!” lots of the elves who were themselves not from HERE, began to look uneasy, “send them back? Back where? And at Christmas?”
“Exactly! Send them back! And if they’re not IN the place where they SHOULD be BY Christmas…give them nothing!”
In the appalled silence that fell Carrot Tip tugged on Carrot Top’s sleeve and whispered something in his ear.
“All right,” he said, prepared to be magnanimous, “Send them sweets!”
Little discussions broke out amongst the elves. “Sweets? Did he say sweets?”
“No, he said ‘tweets’. Send them ‘tweets’, that’s what he said.”
“What kind of tweets?”
“One word tweets,” said the Secretelvies wearily.
Carrot Top was gliding around the hall smirking and pointing fingers at an elf here and there in a ‘You’re the man!’ gesture. “But Dad,” Carrot Tip said over the mumblings, “Christmas is not only about the gifts, you know.”
“I don’t know! Who said that?”
“The Preacher who prayed for you before the election, he said it. He spoke of, Love, Mercy, Hope, Trust…”
The Secretelvies started noting these down feverishly.
“”IT’S A LIE!” roared Carrot Top.
“No,” Carrot Tip said firmly. “It’s not and it’s about Jesus, the baby who was born to be king of the whole world.”
“Born to be king!!? What baby? Where does he live? Tell me and I’ll go destroy him! If I can’t find him I’ll destroy every baby in that…” he broke off as Carrot Tip began to sob. “There, there,” he soothed. “I was joking. That was a joke. I won’t do that…” he looked over the child’s shoulder and mouthed, “Get on it!”
“This happened a long time ago, Sir,” Chief of Staff whispered back. “In Bethlehem…”
“And nobody told me!” Carrot Top shook his head, furious. He walked off muttering… “heads will roll…”
The elves relaxed. “So what do we send? Sweets or tweets?”
In this surreal situation the Chief of Staff felt recklessly enabled. “Let’s send them both! Let’s send both lists, both! Guns and sweets; tweets and sweets!”
Elves started packing sweets and guns and Secretelvies started tweeting at the speed of light:
Mercy;
Peace;
Joy;
Faith;
“And what about HIS son? He’s now on the Nasty list.”
“Send him a Blind Trust.”
Patience;
Hope;
Perseverance;
Love…