5th Column

My dear Bandula and SB,

I thought I must write to you because I heard that everyone is talking about both of you these days, and it is like the A to Z of education: from the ‘A’ Levels to the ‘Z’ score, and I’m sure you must be familiar with these by now.

I must congratulate both of you because you have done what no other ministers of education before you did: you have got no less an institution than the Supreme Court to approve the ‘A’ Level examination and the ‘Z’ score!

Of course, they found a little mistake here and there but then, no one is perfect, are they? What we now know is that our universities will have the best of the best: not only have they got the best ‘A’ Level results and the best ‘Z’ scores, they have also overcome whatever errors there are in the system!

Bandula, we knew from the outset that you were the best man for the job of Minister of Education. Surely, the best man to oversee the entire system of free education in the country is a tuition master famous for making his riches from mass scale tuition classes for ‘A’ Level students?

What is encouraging, Bandula is that you still remain the humble tuition master that you were despite becoming a minister. Why, even those days you wanted students to fail their ‘A’ Levels because they would then return to your classes the next years as well. And you still do that, with great success!

And Bandula, who can forget the time you spent as the Minister of Trade? Prices were skyrocketing (and they still are!) and cartoonists were having a field day ridiculing you. I am sure you feel sorry for those cartoonist chaps, which is why you keep providing enough material for them!

Then there was your famous remark, Bandula, that a family of three could live on two thousand five hundred rupees a month. I am afraid you will have to increase that amount by a few rupees if the child in the family is an ‘A’ Level student, because re-correction costs 250 rupees a subject!

And SB, don’t think that we have forgotten you. Like Bandula, we knew that you too were the right man for the job. Who better than a former student union leader at a university to tackle the country’s universities which always seem to be in a crisis?
Very few people have the talent — and the courage — to give these troublemakers a taste of their own medicine, but you do, SB. That is why you can reply to them in choice language, even from public platforms. You seem to have the perfect qualifications for the job: a lack of decorum and dignity!

Of course, SB, we should have always suspected that you possessed those qualities. Who can forget the fact that you were jailed by the Supreme Court for contempt of court for talking about balu nadu theendu nearly nine years ago?
I am sure you have learnt your lessons, SB.

Now, you don’t go about insulting the Supreme Court, you just set your sights slightly lower. That is why you keep insulting university students and university lecturers who keep harassing you with various demands.

Recently we saw you putting your talents to good use, insulting even doctors and their Council which refuses to recognise that medical college you approved! If you say that a medical college should be recognised, that should be good enough, isn’t it? What do doctors know about them anyway?

But pardon me, Bandula and SB, even though I fully support both of you I need to clarify just one matter: who got you into this mess with this ‘Z’ score business? Both of you were doing such a great job with our education system that I am beginning to wonder whether it is all a conspiracy?

Why SB, there you were, the day after the court announced its verdict saying that you had nothing to do with the ‘Z’ score and that your ministry was merely doing the paperwork for university admissions-and nothing more.

Then Bandula, the very next day you were telling us that you too had nothing to do with the ‘Z’ score and that your job was to only conduct the ‘A’ Level examination. If there was something wrong, it was not your fault, you were insisting.
Now, Bandula and SB, if both of you had nothing to do with the ‘Z’ score, maybe someone was trying to get you into trouble? It could be the JVP who did this. Or, if we are to believe Wimal, it could be the Americans. And, if we are to believe Champika, it could even be the Indians!

Of course, Bandula and SB, I don’t believe the theory that this was in fact a conspiracy by Ranil. I know there are people who say that he sent both of you into the government from the UNP so that you will ensure its downfall but frankly, I don’t think the chap is capable of even that!

So, be careful, Bandula and SB. I am sure this country needs you. If we had more people like you, every decision will be challenged in the Supreme Court and in the end, what is correct will be done. That is why you are my heroes!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha

PS-Now, don’t you worry about all those people asking you to resign. Believe me, both of you are indispensable. Without you, who would we laugh at and who would the opposition complain about? So, whatever you do, please don’t resign — for sheer entertainment value, you two are hard to beat!

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