Mind their tears

Ever hear of the phrase "curiosity brings the dead back to life?" No? Well that's probably because there's no such thing! Stating the obvious you think? Well, you might just be surprised...

I guess it would be safe to say that I, like millions of other Sri Lankans around the country probably go for an average of 50 or more funerals in their lifetime? I've been to so many funerals now, that people could easily start hiring me as a chief mourner! Jokes aside though, not only have I been to enough funerals now to know the ordeal the grieving family has to go through with just coming to terms with the death of their loved one, let alone the hundreds of other external issues and expenses they need to bear. Even if we were to assume that all the above mentioned issues are mostly part and parcel of an average funeral, and that most affected families tend to rely on their extended families for support, there's still this one little hindrance that such families have to bear on their own.... Dare I share my insight with the rest of the world?

Oh well.... why not? It really is no big secret. Tis' the so-called "well meaning" queries made by each and every person who walks through the house doors! It's almost like a given follow-up to "my deepest sympathies Darling... so what happened to Thatthi? What did the doctors say? Couldn't they do anything to save him? You must be strong for Ammi now okay? Or even the third person method is just as good. Aiyo...sin for these children no? And none of them are married even... Now what's going to happen to them? Left to themselves they can go on and on and on.... and there's of course the next phase of this scenario which is essentially to do with sharing the collected news with all newcomers to the "sympathetic circle," whilst of course shaking their heads in disbelief and looking empathetically in the general direction of the family in mourning.

If I am to break it down, there are just two things in particular I'd like to question. If people are genuinely concerned for the bereaved family and their queries are based purely on good intent, why don't they Ever explore the option of obtaining this information via other sources (preferably not immediate family). The dozen or so lookers-on and extended family members could be a good place to start, as I'm sure they'd be more than willing to explain things to you and respond to your numerous queries such as "how's so-and-so holding up..? " or "who will look after the family now...?" etc.,

Question number two is questions an average funeral-goers basic IQ level! I mean, wouldn't the most ignorant person in the world realise that the people "closest" to the person who's passed away, would be the most affected? Does one really have to be a rocket scientist to fathom this out for themselves? I don't think so. What could possess a rational-minded human being to ask such blatantly insensitive questions from the very people that are most affected by the situation? However you are to look at it, it just fails to make much sense to me.

Doesn't it at any point occur to the so called 'well-wishers' that their specific line of questioning is making things worse and probably is making the grieving families re-live the nightmare over and over again. It really can't take much to comprehend and in turn realise the 'error of their ways' as it were.

Bottom line: Nothing we can say or do can bring the dead back to life! Neither can any amount of badgering or prying, aid any sudden breakthroughs that might shine some light on the resurrection process! Most importantly, we need to accept our limitations and try and make this time as painless as possible for the family involved as they have more than their fair share of troubles to deal with at the time, without having to deal with the utter exhaustion and helplessness that families have to bear with as a result of having to repeat the same story time and time again!

This is not, by any means an attempt to undermine or disrespect the amazing people that very often appeared almost out of the 'woodworks' to help ease your pain. More often than not, it's these very people in question that wind up helping you through some of the toughest parts of losing someone and learning how best to "live" once more!

It's merely to suggest a more sensible approach to funerals and most importantly, the people involved with it. Sometimes, it couldn't hurt to think twice before asking delicate questions! That one pause could go quite a long way, when weighing it against the extent of damage that can be caused if that pause were not taken...