Mirror Magazine - Say it out loud

Don’t always give in. Let others know what you think. Smriti Daniel explores the how-tos and how-not-tos of self-respect and self-assertion

A day in the life of…
You’re standing in your living room, looking down at your empty wallet. It’s the seventh time this month that your ‘friend’ has dropped by to ‘borrow’ money from you. He knows you’re a sucker for his hard luck story. Upstairs, your brother is playing his Cannibal Corpse CD at a volume that you’re sure is audible all the way to South Africa. Since there’s no chance, you’re going to get any studying done at home, you decide to move to a friend’s house. When you get there, you’re just in time to hear a long drawn out tirade about a mutual friend. You disagree, but since you don’t want to pick a fight, you shut up and sit tight. That is until she leaves you to baby sit her nightmare sibling, while she goes on a date.

It’s no biggie that when the day winds down, you’re unhappy and frustrated. But then again, you’re used to being this way – you know you suck at standing up for yourself or voicing any opinions that might put you on the other side of the fence from a friend. “I’m sorry” are the most well-worn words in your vocabulary, and you’ve perfected the tone that begs the listener not to get irritated with you. Everyone is given the benefit of this treatment – your classmates, co-workers, your partners, your parents and just about anyone else who comes into your orbit.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
In a perfect world, people would always respect each other and see the value of another person. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way for us earthlings. We tend to treat people, as they treat themselves. Don’t love yourself? Apologise non-stop? Think you ought to have had the lead role in Dumb And Dumber? Don’t be surprised when other people take you at your own evaluation, and begin to believe these things too. The good news is that if you’re comfortable with yourself, and ready to stand up for what you believe in then people are going to buy into that as well. They’ll respect you, because you respect yourself!

Crossroads
When faced with a difficult situation, we normally opt for one of three choices. One is either non-assertive, aggressive or direct. How we choose to react at that moment often decides what the final outcome is. In the first case, you just lie low, and do your best imitation of an invisible, deaf, mute man. When you choose this reaction, you’ve effectively handed over your life to someone else. Naturally, you’re going to feel helpless, insecure and all around dissatisfied.

It’s one of life’s little ironies that while you may be doing this to maintain a relationship, making a martyr of yourself is only going to create more problems. Think about it… while you may have avoided this conflict, the entire foundation of your relationship is rocky, because of the lack of honesty.

Now your second option is to wade in, fists flying. Here there’s no hesitancy in using words as lethal weapons. The result? Lots of anger and hurt. Sure, you may have got what you wanted, but you’ve done it at the cost of someone else’s needs. Not only might they feel disrespected and humiliated by the experience, they are also likely to lose respect for you.

The third option is the one we like best. It’s the best way of solving issues, because the communication is direct, and from the heart. When you deal with problems directly, there are no guessing games involved, and everyone knows where they stand, what they need and what they’re willing to do to get it. Never allow an emotional bully to place your worth as a human being into question. You’re not born knowing how to be assertive, and the first step is recognising that you have the right to take care of yourself, and to sometimes put your needs ahead of others.

Takin’ a stand

1. Express an opinion that you have been keeping to yourself to keep the peace.

2. When someone asks you for something, remember that they are making a request of you – that means you should say ‘no,’ if you can’t or don’t want to do it. Don’t let the fact that they take your agreement for granted bother you.

3. Let someone know if they recently stepped on your toes, and establish boundaries for future interactions. This way not only are you respecting yourself, you’re helping them respect you.

4. Don’t kid yourself into believing that your ‘sacrifice’ will make someone happier. This will work only in the short term. In the long run both of you will be the worse off for it.

5. When someone asks you for something that puts you on the spot, take a deep breath and give them an answer that offers some sort of solution, instead of babbling out a string of apologies. If for instance, a friend wants you to help her put together a last minute project, but you’re going to be busy all day, suggest places she can find information and offer to help her put it together the next day.