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Decades ago divorce was a cause for shame, but today it is becoming an alarmingly common thing. Where have we gone wrong?

Every marriage has both good times and bad. The age-old wedding vows and traditional ideals state that one weds a person, “for better, for worse, for richer and for poorer”. Yet today it seems that there is less tolerance for the ‘bad times’ of marriage and a greater tendency to abandon the relationship under pressure. Although the reasons for divorce may vary, an increasing number of couples seem to be looking at it as a solution to marital conflicts, rather than staying together and resolving their issues.

“Divorce is a soul shaking experience for the whole family,” says Counsellor Priya Kodippily. “It means the end of many dreams and aspirations for the husband and the wife –and for their children, the whole world comes apart.”

However, despite the immense upheavals that divorce entail, the rising divorce rates in the country show that marriage is no longer considered a life-long commitment by many.

Why does a marriage fail? How is it that two people, who started out with so much love and good faith, turn against each other?

False expectations

“Many people nowadays have no understanding of what marriage really means,” says Psychologist at Asiri Hospital, Sadhani Mendis. She adds that women, especially, have a romanticised view of marriage that they have built up from books and movies. Before marriage, she says, when a man or woman has just fallen in love, they try their best to be everything their partner expects them to be, rather than be themselves. They make promises about the future without considering their practicality. It is only after marriage and living together that reality strikes.

For two professionals, Ashanthi* and Sarath* everything seemed perfect in the beginning. They had many common interests, and were able to spend hours talking and laughing together. He, however, had one condition – that after marriage she should stop working and devote her time to the household as well as help care for his elderly mother. She readily agreed. A few years later, however, she was still working. Although Sarath repeatedly reminded her of her promise, she now thought it unreasonable of him to expect her to give up her career to care for a difficult and demanding invalid. He would not change his mind and the rift between them grew. With neither of them willing to reach a compromise, divorce seemed the easiest way out.

In today’s fast-moving society, says Ms. Mendis, both men and women face the pressures of earning a living. No longer is being a home-maker and mother, a woman’s primary role. As such, both a husband and wife tend to have high expectations from each other. Both partners want to continue to live individual lives, even after becoming one. There is less understanding and room for adjustment in the marriage, she says.

While men may still expect women to take over household responsibilities completely, the modern woman expects participation from the husband as well. These unfulfilled expectations can cause dissatisfaction and arguments, even leading to divorce, says Ms. Mendis.

“A lot of people these days go into marriage without a feeling of serious commitment,” explains Mrs. Kodippily. “They assume that if things don’t go well, they can break it off.” She adds that in today’s world we tend to seek ‘instant gratification’, and focus on individual pleasure, whereas marriage is not like that. It has ups and downs and has to be worked at, just like any other job.

Another common issue that couples face today is that of extramarital affairs. After being married for seven years Tania* and Ramesh* seemed to have fallen into a rut. He spent longer hours at work, and seemed distant and detached. She – busy with her own career, managing the household and raising their young children – was exhausted with all she had to do, and hardly had time to think about their relationship. It was only when she discovered that he was seeing someone else that her world suddenly fell apart. Tears, angry words and recriminations followed. Although her initial instinct was to walk out, Ramesh convinced her to stay and seek help to mend their relationship. He too was hurt and confused – he knew that Tania and the children still mattered to him, but the distance between them had made it easier for him to have an affair with another, who was readily available.

Many men and women face similar temptations in a society, where marriage is no longer considered a sacred bond. “Moral values are no longer the same and the media projects the idea that such things are quite normal,” says Ms. Mendis. She points out that since pre-marital sex is now quite common among young people, those who get married usually have already had some sexual experience. When a person has experienced multiple sexual relationships, sometimes the sexual satisfaction within a marriage could be unsatisfactory, causing one partner to go in search of sexual pleasure elsewhere, she says.

She also adds that in the present corporate world – especially fields like the travel trade, marketing and hospitality industry – women are encouraged to dress and act in a seductive manner. One thing naturally leads to another, and many people end up thinking, ‘If everyone does it, why not me?’

Reasons such as more women being in the workplace and people spending more time at work than at home, may have contributed to the rise in extramarital affairs that we see at present, says Mrs. Kodippily.

However, the fact is that an affair has a devastating effect on a marriage, and leaves inescapable feelings that will not be forgotten by either spouse. Sometimes, says Ms. Mendis, the other partner will also have an affair out of a desire for revenge and then a vicious circle can begin.

Men and women nowadays tend to base their sense of value and self-worth on external things, she adds. For example, a woman with an inattentive husband may find great satisfaction and fulfilment from another man who showers her with compliments. There is a need, she says, for people to find self-esteem and confidence within themselves, which will enable them to be stronger in the face of temptation.

Can a marriage survive an extramarital affair? Counsellors believe so, if the errant spouse is sincerely repentant and willing to make an effort to rebuild the relationship.

The other partner must also be willing to forgive and put away the past. In that case sometimes, a marriage, which has survived this, can become even stronger afterwards, they say.

Sometimes the interference of others – however well-meaning – can lead to the breakup of a marriage. When he married Anu*, Sampath* had the impression of an innocent and docile young girl. Although they were to live with her parents, he did not really mind. However, a few months into the marriage, he realised that Anu* would not do anything without first asking her parents. Even something as simple as a night out together had to be first approved by them. Tired of the constant supervision, he asked her to move out with him, but to no avail. Tensions between them increased until she – unable to cope with the pressure – finally asked for a divorce.

After marriage, couples need to think of themselves as a separate unit, and prioritise each other’s needs, says Ms. Mendis. While respecting each other’s friends and families is important, decisions related to the marriage and relationship should be made by the couple themselves.

What about the kids?

Children are often the innocent victims of divorce. Still, should couples choose to stay together for the sake of their children? Malini’s* husband had been seeing another woman for several months. Although she had confronted him with it, he refused to give up the affair. Thinking of her children’s need for their father, as well as the reproaches of the community if the whole matter was brought to light, she chose to put her own feelings aside and continue the appearance of a normal marriage.

Counsellors, however, feel that in some cases an unhappy marriage could have a worse effect on children than divorce. If the children are going to be constantly exposed to fighting and misery, their chances for growing into emotionally healthy adults are probably less, says Ms. Mendis. If a couple stays together for their children, then they should also work on saving the marriage itself, because the children’s sense of security stems from a stable home environment.

Even when they choose to divorce, parents must choose the way that is least damaging to the children, says Mrs. Kodippily, warning against the tendency to use the child as a weapon of revenge in a divorce, or to blame and criticise one’s spouse to the child.

Intimate problems

They must try to maintain a semblance of cordiality, she adds, pointing out that while there are ex-husbands and ex-wives, there are no ‘ex-mothers’ or ‘ex-fathers’.

Other reasons for the unravelling of a marriage include lack of sexual intimacy, physical abuse, mental disorders and problems related to drug and alcohol abuse. Interest in sex may wane in a marriage over the years, says Ms. Mendis, and here again the media plays a role by projecting an unrealistic image of sex. Men, in particular, are drawn to experiment with what they may see in movies, which may not be pleasing to their wives, she says.

In Sri Lanka a divorce is given for three reasons – adultery, malicious desertion or incurable impotency, says Attorney-at-Law Geoffrey Alagaratnam. At present there is no room for a no-fault divorce, in which the dissolution of a marriage does not require a fault of either husband or wife to be shown. However, when one party does not contest the divorce, he says, it is similar to divorce by mutual consent, which happens quite often.

He adds that he believes the Law Reforms Commission is seeking to bring in changes that will make no-fault divorce possible in Sri Lanka. In that case it will be simpler to get a divorce for reasons such as incompatibility.

“People are not willing to put up with second best anymore,” says Family Counsellor, Anne Abayasekera. She recalls the time when there was such stigma attached to divorce that it was the last resort for a troubled marriage. However, today social conditions have changed, she says, and women particularly, being financially independent, find it easier to walk out of a bad marriage.

Mrs. Kodippily advises all couples considering a divorce to first seek counselling, even if they have already decided on a divorce. By going to someone objective – such as a counsellor or a psychologist – she says, the couple will get a better understanding of their reasons for thinking of divorce. Most people are unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce decision, since their emotions and thinking are confused at the time.

Quoting from Dr. Louise Despert’s, ‘Children of Divorce’, Mrs. Kodippily says, “A man and woman may have been unable to make a success of their marriage, but they can yet make a success of their divorce. With effort, wisdom and guidance they can make of their divorce, the maturing experience which their marriage has failed to be.”