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Hurting inside
Are we responsible for the hurt we feel? Deepal Sooriyaarachchi examines the consequences of great expectations
Were you ever hurt, not physically but mentally? The obvious answer will be 'yes', for there cannot be anyone who has not been hurt unless he or she is an Arahat (the ultimate state of mental development according to Buddhism).

If you were to look back at that moment when you were hurt, did you not feel “I never thought he/she would do such a thing to me.” This very statement gives us the reason why we get hurt. To understand this process of getting hurt we should observe the process of forming relationships.

Forming relationships is fundamental to our existence. We form relationships with animate and inanimate objects. People form opinions fast. Can you think of someone about whom you do not have an opinion? The answer will be "no". Without forming an opinion we cannot build a relationship.

When you want to know directions on the road will you ask anyone, or will you look for a person who you think will know the directions? How did you come to that conclusion?

When you go to an office where there is no receptionist what do you do? You look for a person who appears to be helpful. These explain that mere presence can influence our mind so that we form an opinion about the other person. We form some opinion regarding every object we encounter. Once an opinion is formed we expect the object to conform to our opinion.

As long as the behaviour of the other person matches this image, our relationship will continue on the same level. If the behaviour is different then it affects the relationship. As long as the expectations are met, the relationship can continue. The moment the expectations are not met, the relationship is affected.

"I never expected him to behave in this manner," would be the conclusion. There is the well-known Buddhist story about an Arahat, who was being conducted home by a layman for a meal. On the way, noticing a small puddle of water, the monk jumped across it. Seeing this unbecoming behaviour, the lay person was very disappointed. "If he behaves in this manner once more, I will not offer him alms," he thought. A little while later there was another patch of water. The monk got into the water and crossed it slowly. The puzzled layman asked him why he jumped when he should have crossed and crossed when he should have jumped. The monk replied, "Had I jumped again I would have lost my meal," thus reassuring the lay person that he was in fact, a monk of higher achievement. ( Subsequently the Buddha explained the reason for this behaviour as the samsarik behavioural traces as the monk had been a monkey in a number of previous births).

Though forming opinions happens very quickly, we can identify a number of steps in the process of building relationships. 1.Experience the other person's behaviour in terms of words and deeds, how it is done and when.

2.Judge this behaviour based on past knowledge. 3. This will condition the experience as Pleasant, Unpleasant or Neutral. 4. If the experience is pleasant we would want to continue, if not, we want to get rid of it. Thus we cling to the pleasant experiences and want more of them.

When we fail to see the expected type of behaviour from the other person we feel disappointed. Then we feel hurt. What exactly is this feeling called 'hurt'? We can recognize this in the manner it manifests itself and how we behave when we are hurt.

Our initial reaction can be surprise, and denial. We feel hurt when the reality is different from what we want it to be. It is a conflict. This is the mental situation we are in when we are angry. We want a person to behave in a certain manner based on the past, but the present being different, a conflict occurs. When we are hurt, we are in fact angry. To be hurt is another form of anger.

Anger is a powerful emotion. Unless we are well-trained, we cannot let go of this feeling. It can envelop our whole life. We can spend days and even a lifetime enveloped in this feeling of anger. Then every action will be tainted by anger.

When the hurt is strong we cry. Some persons throw objects and scold, hit or even kill another person. In extreme situations one can hurt oneself, or even kill oneself.

Because of our ignorance we always project the reason for getting hurt on to the other person. We begin to hate the other person saying that we are hurt because of the other person's action. In reality, the whole reason for getting hurt lies within ourselves. If we did not form expectations, we would not have got hurt.

Think carefully of a moment that you were hurt and try to analyse the real reason for getting hurt. You get hurt when your loved one forgets your birthday. But you do not feel the same when your colleagues forget it. Why? Because you expect your loved one to remember the birthday.

Remember, you cannot get hurt without your choice. It is not something that others do to you, it is something that you allow to happen, because of the expectations you had in the first place. But then how can we live in this world? We are not Arahats who have pure unconditioned minds.

The stronger the bond the greater the pain. If you enjoy a relationship be ready to experience pain from it one day. As long as we know this, we will have the freedom to enjoy the beauty of relationships and yet live unruffled.

Next time you are hurt, try to become aware that you are hurt. The moment you become aware that you are hurt what is there in your mind is not the thought of being hurt, but the thought of becoming aware. The thought of awareness is much stronger and brighter than the thought of being hurt.

Nevertheless the feeling of being hurt will surface again as it is very strong. This is not about suppressing the thought of being hurt but being aware and looking at the very nature of thought. This is a skill that one needs to develop by practising mindfulness all the time.

Always remind yourself that you cannot get hurt without your choice. Remember the root cause of getting hurt is not the other person but the expectations created in your own mind. Try to recognize the other thoughts and behaviour associated with the feeling of hurt.

Realise that even the feeling of hurt is not permanent. It will change. Act as if you are not hurt. As much as the mind can have a strong influence over body, bodily action can have influence over the mind. For instance laugh even without a reason and you will feel happy.

Let go of the feeling of being hurt. One good technique for this is learning to label the thought without getting involved in it. When hurt remember the advice given in Dhammapada; Let none find fault with others; let none see the omissions and commissions of others. But let one see one's own acts done and undone. (Dp,50)

If we act wisely, moments of being hurt can be lessons to know how much we are attached to our own conditioning. Instead of getting angry with the other person we can be thankful for showing our weaknesses of being attached. The Buddha has said very clearly that attachment is the root cause for suffering. Use moments of getting hurt to discover the truth of the Dhamma which is universal. Remind yourself the Dhammapada saying: Thanhaya Jayathi Soko. (Dp216)

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