Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

Taking the test
By Frazzled
I abhor examinations. "Well, who doesn't," you ask. Examinations have got to be the worst fate mankind has to ever face. Terrorism, economic crisis and the floods apart, examinations are next in line for the coveted "World Hate" prize.

80% of my existence has been spent studying for one exam or the other. The repercussions being that I now cringe whenever the subject is brought up for discussion and lapse into a state that many now prefer to call "acute examistressmia". I am not alone in my worries. Research has shown that many otherwise sane and normal humans who walk this earth go completely "bonkers" at the mention of the word.

But, "What are the symptoms?" you ask worriedly. Simple. The symptoms are unique to each individual. Some feel the pangs of examinations only hours before the actual exam takes place whilst others lapse into a state of worried disbelief when they hand over their examination fees months before being taken to the guillotine room (the examination hall).

The common symptoms are:

Sweaty palms, whatever the room temperature may be.

A sinking feeling that arises initially in the pit of one's stomach and then spreads to other organs.

A stomachache coupled with an unbearable headache.

The notion that time is at a standstill and that the minute hand of the clock at the far end of the examination hall has stopped.

And last but not least - a violent dislike for everyone in general. (This symptom is seen in most cases where invigilators are involved.)

Invigilators are older mortals who are given the opportunity and the pleasure of permitting this form of torture. They walk about the examination hall whilst the poor examinee is interrogated by a piece of otherwise unimportant paper. They make comments such as "You have ten minutes more" followed immediately by "You have one minute to go."

There are no prescription drugs/over the counter drugs available to counteract Examination Stress (ES). Different individuals have devised different methods to combat it.

A character in a comic I once read advocates the need for proper sleep. According to his research it is vital that no cramming takes place on the night before. This would lead to a series of consequences such as blanking out and collapsing on the examination paper. He prefers to sleep well the night before and enter the Examination Room armed with "One four-leaf clover, two horseshoes and an apple or a box of chocolates for the invigilator."

A friend of mine has found the perfect answer. She is the one individual who has attended the largest number of seminars and discussions on 'How to Combat Examination Stress' and 'Passing Examinations'. After each session she comes out completely revived and confident about the upcoming examination. She then goes home, eats, sleeps and collapses once again into the state of gloom that was present the night before.

I attempted to reach the root of the problem. I started out by attempting to find out who introduced the concept of examinations. I quizzed my newfound local 'guru' (The World Wide Web a.k.a the Internet) for answers. And as was expected… it gave none. The Internet, I have learnt, has the shrewd ability to provide one with the most illogical yet politically correct answers.

Examination systems were available for perusal, as were examples of good answer scripts and bad answer scripts. Various authors and scholars presented free advice on how to master examination technique. Yoga and aromatherapy sites offered first hand information on how to use those practices to avoid and conquer examinations.

But my search seemed in vain. No one was able and willing to provide information (derogatory or otherwise). Yet I persevered and at the end of two weeks of (heavy) research found the answer. It was the Chinese who had opened up this Pandora's box of surprises.

According to the article, which was written by someone who had obviously sat a number of examinations, "The Chinese had most probably invented examinations." Records show that they were introduced as early as 124 BC as a means of selecting young men for work and advancement within the Imperial Civil Service. Its ingenuity (supposedly) lay in its ability to "enslave the most brilliant and creative minds of China," to deaden the capacity for practical and creative thinking and to stifle reform. (Ah… ha…)

Since I had happily availed myself of that piece of information I proceeded to check if my guru had any inclination whatsoever on why this system of the ancient Chinese prevailed. He had none. Advantages and Disadvantages? None. Then why is it still in practice? "The absence of a viable alternative," droned a voice behind me. Huh? "There is no other measure with which one can ascertain as to exactly how much is known, how much is taught etc." Wonderful.

Inspiration struck - Why could degrees not just simply be given over the counter? Why can people not be appointed to certain jobs and positions when they apply without sitting for examinations?

"It is not right, examinations are the only method of providing social, moral and ethical discipline." Ha… Ha… You think the big words would put me off. Huh…

Well they did. No other viable alternatives or arguments rushed through this exam-stressed brain of mine. I've now given up my valiant attempt at fighting examining bodies and have resolved to have a good time.

Until the next exam, that is.

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