Enter the Miss Working Girl

The Lions Club of Thimbirigasyaya of the International Association of Lions Clubs District 306 C, proudly announces that their annual fund raiser, the prestigious Miss Working Girl Pageant will be held at Hotel Lanka Oberoi on March 26.

All the proceeds are for a worthy cause. A project to construct a Home for the Aged with all modern amenities is currently underway at Mirihana.

This is a call going out to smart young working girls to aim for the stars and add value to their lives by taking part in this pageant. The right combination of beauty and brains will make you one of the sixteen finalists for the coveted title of Miss Working Girl '99. Please remember that each of the finalists will learn that participation is winning since not a single Working Girl contributing to the magical evening of the pageant will go empty handed. Due recognition and rewards await their valuable contribution to a social service project.

All you have to do is, fill up the entry coupon and send it along with the other requirements mentioned in the coupon as soon as possible.

Is there space between your relationship?

By Chamintha Thilakarathna

"Let there be space in your togetherness,

And let the wings of heaven dance between you…

Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music." -Khalil Gibran.

Rangika and Saman were happily married until Saman received a scholarship to follow a chef's training course abroad. Ever since, Rangika feels her life is restricted to the home. Saman has asked her not to go out too often or continue her pottery classes during his absence.

"Saman says that it's best that I reduce my activities while he is away. He says that it's not that he does not trust me, but because he is not here to take care of me. I am not sure which of these is the real reason," Rangika said.

Many couples, married or simply dating, sometimes feel cramped and stifled in their relationship when their partners do not allow them to follow their own interests and hobbies, but expect them to be carbon copies of ourselves. While most of us have a tendency to take the person we love for granted, is it fair to expect a duplicate of ourselves instead of an individual as our partner?

"My boyfriend does not like me talking to other guys. I guess it's a common attitude amongst men. Sometimes, this puts me in a difficult situation. But the knowledge that he loves me so much, keeps me from getting angry with him," says 19-year-old Niroshini.

A past student of a mixed international school, she has always had friends of both sexes. "I feel odd when he snaps in front of my guy friends. It's tough because I have had to draw away from my friendships as well," she said.

Some, however, feel that it's all part and parcel of having a relationship. "Being possessive and jealous is a part of being loved," said Ifthikar Mohammed. "If your partner does not feel jealous or possessive towards you, that means he is indifferent. And that is not love, is it?"

In Sureshini's case she feels that she enjoys having a possessive boyfriend. It gives her a sense of security and confidence. "We do most things together and we love being with each other. I don't mind reducing my dealings with other guys for his sake. When you have a possessive boyfriend as I do, it gives you a sense of confidence to turn away anyone or even to make plans," Sureshini said.

On the other hand, if you tighten the sand in your hand, the possibility of the sand slipping through your fingers is greater. But if you hold the sand on an open palm, it will remain forever. Similarly, the more space one gives a relationship the better chances there are for successful companionship. Is space then, the key word in a successful relationship? And, what do people mean when they say 'space'?

Hemamali married at the age of 16 to 28- year-old Lakshman. At the early stages of their marriage, Hemamali says that she felt imprisoned by her husband.

"I think it was the age barrier that got him a little suspicious. He never allowed me to see anyone. He made sure that I was left at home under his mother's care at all times," she said.

Prof. (Ms.) G.I.C. Gunewardena, Dean of the Humanities and Social Sciences Faculty of the Open University says that usually men have a tendency to be more possessive and restrictive than women.

She says that this is because our culture is such that there are certain prejudices towards women. "Men have been made to think that women belong to them. And that if they give too much room or 'space' they would lose the one they love," Prof. Gunewardena said.

On the other hand, women who don't work or interact with others, feel possessive because they stay at home. "And they suffer from the fear that their husbands meet more efficient, educated and skilled women than them, which gives the housewives a sense of insecurity," she said.

Also if the spouses are not on par with each other on an intellectual level, again the issues of lack of space and possession arise. "Especially women would feel that they are being tied down to family obligations and not allowed to pursue their talents or wishes," Prof. Gunewardena explained.

Most often the husbands or boyfriends have a good time with their drinking mates or go for a football match together, leaving wives or girlfriends behind. Those are the times when women feel cramped and imprisoned in their homes.

"In my case, I don't like my fiancé talking too much about one particular girl, but then I purposely bite back my objection because I don't want to sound possessive or too narrow-minded," said 19- year-old Sasha from Nugegoda.

"Of course, feeling jealous is a good sign," said Ramani, another young person interviewed, "but one should never expect the other to like the same things that you like or do the same things that you do. I have a friend who loves to go dancing in the nights, but her boyfriend hates it. So, she stays back to please him, but can't help feeling regretful at the good times she's missing when the rest of her friends do go out dancing."

In Geraldine's case, her boy friend does not like her going anywhere or doing anything without him. "Even when I want to have a day out with my girlfriends or when I want to go for a weekend with my cousins, he gets all gloomy and blue. But I never obstruct him from doing things on his own," she said.

In contrast, Dinali and Sanjeewa have a perfect relationship that allows the growth of both and room for other people and activities in their lives.

"We understand that we need time together and apart. There is a strong sense of trust and confidence in each other that has helped us not to limit each other," Dinali says.

For two years, Sanjeewa has been away from Sri Lanka, for his studies. But he always makes sure to keep in touch to find out what is happening in Dinali's life. And, Dinali tells him about the guys she meets, sometimes with the intention of making him slightly jealous. But they have always stood by each other and encouraged each other's activities.

A question that many people ask is whether jealousy and possessiveness are the same. According to Prof. Gunewardena, possessiveness leads to jealousy.

"It is important to have a give and take relationship. Men are usually protective towards women and that could be a good or a bad thing depending on the extremes one may go to. And it is also a must to draw the line between love and possession because you need to respect one another. Besides, we all need space for work, friends, family and hobbies," she says.

She advises that good communication and mutual understanding are required for any relationship. "Never expect the one you love to change his likes and dislikes to suit yours all the time. Accept his individuality and respect him. And if you are married, never act superior to your spouse in the presence of your children. This could either get them to hate you or lose respect for the inferior spouse," Prof. Gunawardena said.

Commitment in a relationship means security and the knowledge that you are both working towards one goal and that you both hold your relationship as the first priority. It is the one thing that holds a relationship together, the boundary within which you can build a healthy relationship. So don't let possessiveness and jealousy get in the way.

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