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10th January 1999

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Kenny's worldBitchin' 'bout Kitty

With my vast knowledge of Biology, Chemistry, Anthropology and Trichomanageology (the science of combing hair), I have concluded that there are two types of people in the world. Since I haven't fully developed my theory and given them scientific names, for the time being we shall call these two types Cat people and Dog people. The criteria for these groups are rather complicated and difficult to explain to the un-scientific mind. But I will try. The groups are defined like this if you are a Cat lover you are a Cat person, if you are a Dog lover, you are a Dog person.

Of course I do not expect my theory to catch on overnight. Throughout history great people like Galileo were persecuted by their contemporaries because they presented theories which went against the beliefs of the time. I am fully prepared to face ridicule and even death for my beliefs. But in order to be recognised for my greatness after death, I shall attempt to explain this theory to any of you who will listen.

People by nature, are either Cat lovers or Dog lovers. I believe this is because people identify with certain things in the personalities of these animals. Likewise, it is also possible to say something about the personality of a person based on what animals they like. There are of course those who love both, these people are freaks, or to use their term "animal lovers." They don't count.

Dog people are naturally outgoing, resourceful and handsome people. I am a Dog person (That does not mean that the girls who have told me so before the invention of my theory were right). We are also free spirited, scatter-brained and lovable. We make the best friends. Cat people on the other hand are cold, mean spirited and stubborn. You cat people who are denying this right now are just being stubborn. Of course this is a generalisation and does not apply to all Cat people. Some Cats are also cunning, manipulative and disloyal.

Some claim that Cat people are cleaner than Dog people. That's crap! I am a Dog person and can testify to the fact that I bathe at least once a month. Oh, look at all you cat people go, "that's disgusting!" Cats are supposed to be clean animals. What is it that Cats do that gives them this reputation for being clean? They bathe themselves. What do they bathe themselves with? Spit. Spit, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know about you but I'd rather sit next to a guy that bathes once in two months than one who spreads mucous all over himself daily.

For some strange reason this Cat lover / Dog lover thing seems to separate mainly along gender lines. Generally, women seem to be Cat lovers, while Guys are Dog lovers. I think the reason for this is that to a guy, having a cat as a pet is something like having a girlfriend. And to a girl, having a dog is like having a boyfriend. It's not the same relationship of course. For example, the security may not tell you "I'm sorry, we can't let you in unless you get rid of that furry thing!" if you go to the cinema with your girlfriend (it has been known to happen though). But the commitment that you have to make in both cases is very similar.

You see, girls see the personalities of Dogs and guys as similar. All Dogs want to do is "play." They seem to have nothing else on their minds. They slobber all over you when you are not in the mood for it. They are not too fond of water and see the word "clean" as a rather abstract concept. The only way to make him enjoy the bath is to get wet yourself. He scratches himself in public. He likes to show off. Unless you keep an eye on him, he tries to pick fights with other dogs wherever he goes. He won't just sit quietly while you tell him your problems. He will sit there though if you pet him, but he will not listen.

Likewise, guys see the personalities of girls and Cats as similar too. She would give you the cold shoulder for days without you really knowing why. She somehow manages to make it look like she is doing YOU a favour by letting you take care of her. She would never admit that she is enjoying ... anything (nice Cats don't do that). When you are just about to stop she would make a small "interested" sound or movement, which means that she doesn't want you to but no words are spoken. You have to earn her trust/ confidence/ time daily. She needs a lot of attention. She sincerely believes that it is a privilege to YOU to be seen with her.

So you see, this Cat person Dog person thing really has much more meaning than you would really think. But what about guys who like cats and girls who like dogs you ask. Have you never heard of gay people?

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