The Fifth Column

27th December 1998

Silly girl and White House VIP

My Dear Bill,

I thought I must write to you when I heard that some Republicans in Congress have started to impeach you, based on some charges by a silly little girl. Believe me, Bill, we have some experience in these matters, regarding impeachments as well as such accusations by silly little girls, which is why I thought of writing to you.

I don't think you should worry too much about the impeachment, Bill. I heard that your Speaker had resigned after someone discovered some skeletons in his cupboard. Now, that is a good sign.

What you would do now is to find something naughty about the next Speaker. Then, you can quietly make it known to him that those little details will become public knowledge if he doesn't co-operate with you.

Now, Bill, I'm sure you will say in horror, ''Of course I can't do that because that is blackmail!'' No. Bill, over here we call it ''political co-operation''. No one even thinks of it as blackmail.

Of course you could do other little things about the impeachment too, like saying that the signatures in the impeachment motion were forged. Then you could get someone to sprinkle some charmed oil on the seats in Congress. You could even get all your Congressmen of the Democratic Party to pose with you on the steps of the Capitol just to show solidarity. All these things go a long way in projecting your image as a strong leader, Bill!

Fortunately for you, Bill, your founding fathers have said that an Impeachment Motion requires a two-thirds majority in Congress. So, you have nothing to lose except your reputation and you have only a little of that left already!

Then, about this silly little girl, Bill. I think you have made many mistakes there already. If I were you, I would firstly make sure that Monica never mentioned you by name. What I mean is, she could have always said, ''a VIP at the White House''. That way, you could have evaded a lot of issues.

But now that is over, you could try and regain some lost prestige. What you must do is go to a public event that is televised and appear the perfect family man by having Hillary beside you. Now, Bill, if there were any sporting heroes of the United States returning from an overseas event, you could arrange a reception for them at the White House to do this, but if you can't find any the next best thing would be to get hold of some troops returning from "Desert Fox"!

I know it is too late to tell you this, Bill, but I think the gifts you gave Monica were a little too cheap, which is why she made such a noise about it. Surely Bill, you should have given her something more than a dress and a doll! If you had given her an apartment, a Pajero and a sponsorship package, I'm sure she wouldn't have made such an issue about all this.

I know, Bill, you launched ''Desert Fox'' against Saddam to deflect some attention away from your own flagging fortunes but I'm not sure whether that is the way to best capture public attention. How about some kind of election, Bill in some States or Regions? Then, everyone will be talking about the polls and forgetting all about you, Monica and the rest.

I know some of this advice is a little late, Bill, but best of luck because you will need a lot of it!

Yours truly,

Punchi Putha.

PS: You need not worry about the impeachment, really, Bill. As long as politicians remain politicians without being honest, of course, impeachments will never succeed..... and I'm saying that from experience!

Rajpal Abeynayake's Column

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