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8th November  1998
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Looking for perfection?

By Ayesha R. Rafiq
And what do we want when it comes to a partner? Sure, if you're just looking for a little bit of fun, just about anybody could fit your bill. But if it was the love of your life, what would you want him or her to be like? You've probably got a list at the tip of your tongue. Think he exists? Think there's a possibility she could be so perfect? While it certainly can't hurt to try and find him or her, a little bit of reality might help along the way.

Tharanga Duruge, a 22-year-old who works at Stone and String, seems quite easy to please. He says that as long as he finds a girl who understands him, he would be happy. 'She would also have to be educated, and not too outgoing. I like quiet girls.' Not too much to ask at all. He does add that he 'wouldn't mind' a pretty girl, but then, does anybody?

Nirasha Ruwanthi, a 17-year-old seems harder to please. Her Mr Right would have to be handsome, romantic, have a great sense of humour, and have lots of money. What about caring, tender, thoughtful and so on? 'Oh, yeah, on second thoughts, that too.'

Hiranthi Gamage's Mr. Perfect would be funny and kind and thoughtful. 'He would also have to love children and animals.' For this 24-year-old, he must also be a modern thinking guy, and not be chauvinistic. "I wouldn't want a guy who thinks that women should do certain tasks and men should do others. He should also not mind me doing anything he does. If he's all this and loves me into the bargain, I would be perfectly happy."

Twenty-eight-year-old Shanaka thinks that there are no Mr. or Miss. Rights in the world. 'What I would to try to do is find someone whom I like, and accept her faults as well as her strengths, and love her for who she is not what she is, so that she becomes Miss Right.' 

Shamana, on the other hand, insists on finding Mr. Right. "He should be stable and mature, and most importantly get on with my friends and family." Good looks, a car, money, a big house? 'Those aren't important to me' she says.

Ramly Aziz, a 32-year-old shipping executive, wants someone who will love him and take time off to show him that she loves him. 'I would want someone who makes me feel special by doing things for me.' He also wants someone who would be contented to talk with him late into the night, and go for long walks on the beach, or have picnics with him. 'I don't want one of these high society people who always want to party and who dress up and wear lots of make-up.' He says his girl would be sweet and simple, and kind and caring, and love him 'loads.' 

Nadiya Fazeel, an 18-year-old accounting student says she would settle for someone with reasonable qualities. "As long as he makes me laugh a lot, is romantic, and basically treats me the way he would want to be treated, I'm sure life with him would be great." 

It's nice that most of us are happy to settle for reasonable qualities, and don't all want the near impossible from that special one close to our heart. Good luck to all of you out there still looking for your special person. 


Are you too picky?

All of us women have some sort of wishlist when it comes to choosing a partner and, according to the experts, we should. Insisting on men who are trustworthy, unattached and healthy shows we have high self-esteem and a sense of our own worth. But there's a world of difference between having fairly vague expectations and a shopping list as long as your arm.

Being too choosy — hanging out for a man who's a millionaire, red-hot lover, sensitive New Age Guy and Leonardo DiCaprio all rolled into one — will get you little more than a lot of Saturday nights home alone.

The problem with pickiness

Ask any man what he's looking for in a woman, and he's likely to name body parts. Ask any woman what she wants in a man and she's liable to list 10 qualities straight off the top of her head.

According to psychologist Janet Hall, this is because we've been trying to create the perfect man since we were in school socks. "Most of us tried to make over our fathers,'' she points out. "There aren't too many seven-year-olds who can say: 'My father's good-looking and dresses well.''

If your dad was a workaholic, didn't pay you much attention and was sloppy looking, it's natural you wanted him to become a New Age Man.

Another reason why we search for an ideal is that we quite unrealistically expect our partners to fulfill all our needs. Unlike men, who are happy getting sex and love from their partners and everything else from their work and friends, women want their partners to be lovers, listeners and soulmates, who will fulfill every need. Intellectually, most of us know there's no such thing as the perfect man. On the other hand, all that knight-in-shining-armour stuff in fairy tales, like 'Sleeping Beauty', has left its mark. At 15, we still half expect our prince to come, but by the time we're in our 20s, most of us happily decide that near enough is good enough, and settle for the closest we can get to our ideal.

But this doesn't apply to all women. Some won't even have coffee with a guy unless he meets incredibly tough criteria. This causes yet another problem: If you've always been too choosy and have the same wish-list you had at 11, chances are you're pretty naive when it comes to the opposite sex. As clinical psychologist Laraine Beattie points out, a lot of fussy women spend their lives waiting for Mr Right, only to find he's Mr Wrong-For-Them. "It's hard to know what you really want unless you've been out with enough men to know what's out there," she points out. What makes one girl Ms Picky and another so easy-going she'll date just about anyone who asks her out? Your personality has a lot to do with it, says Dr Hall. "A picky woman usually has what we call a C or D personality. She's a dominant, driven sort of person, who analyses everything, is quickly judgmental, sometimes tactless, impatient and critical." Other personality types — like the 'I' type — are more intuitive. They act on feelings and relate well to people. "They're good at seeing the positive in everyone, have fun and live for the moment," says Dr Hall.

More importantly, an 'I' type personality hangs around long enough to get to know people, and tends not to dismiss men as easily as a C or D.

Born to be choosy

Our parents may also be partly responsible for pickiness. We learn how to judge other people from their example. If your mother is a pushy social climber, you tend to analyse men in terms of their assets. If she's an image queen, you may appraise him purely on his looks. Adds Dr Hall: "If your father makes a lot of money, you're likely to judge a man by the money he makes. If your dad still wears his old school tie, you probably expect to date someone with good social standing."

On the brighter side, everyone's capable of change, regardless of personality or upbringing. Just as you choose not to follow your mother's example if she's an alcoholic, you can choose not to be too choosy.

When to be fussy

Of course, some women have the opposite problem: They're not choosy enough. If you have a history of dating men who are bad for you, it's not only acceptable, but recommended that you become a bit of fusspot. If, for example, you're from an abusive family, it's crucial to choose your partner carefully. Says Beattie: "When a girl from this sort of background walks into a party of 30 people, there's a pretty good chance she'll hook up with the one person who's an abuser." If this sums you up, fight it.

Anyone who's just come out of a bad relationship should also be extremely careful the next time round. "In this case, you should make a Don't-Want List," advises Dr Hall. "It's important to think about all the things you won't put up with — and stick to it."

As for the rest of us, there's nothing wrong with being picky, or compiling a mental shopping list of what we'd like from a man — as long as you follow three golden rules...

* RULE ONE: COMPILE THE RIGHT KIND OF WISH-LIST: If you're hanging out for a guy who's good looking and rich enough to cough up diamond rings and international travel, don't. Cross off any qualities that don't relate to values or behaviour. "Material things like looks and money aren't important; honesty, trust and faithfulness are," says Dr Hall. "Base your list on qualities like that and you'll end up happy."

* RULE TWO: MAKE SURE EVERYTHING YOU ASK FOR YOU CAN GIVE IN RETURN: If you're looking for someone who's funny, ambitious, bright and loves socialising, you have no right to—unless you can deliver these qualities yourself. Advises Dr Hall, "Look at the list you've made. Are you that sort of person? If not, use it to motivate yourself to change." The more you resemble the person you'd like to attract, the more likely you are to attract them.

* RULE THREE: DON'T STICK TO YOUR WISHLIST TOO RIGIDLY: "If you're too restricted and determined that your man meet all your criteria, you're heading for trouble," warns Beattie. "You want someone who's tall and handsome, so you dismiss anyone who's short or average looking and, in the process, pass over someone who could make you happier than you've ever been." 

Don't fight your instincts

You swear you'd never date someone with a mustache, then end up gloriously, madly in love with a guy in accounts with a luxuriant moustache. It happens. Sometimes, we're so attracted to someone we don't care what they look like or what they do. Mother Nature takes over— if you let her.

Indeed, if you're so obsessive about meeting the perfect man that you fight your most primitive instincts, you're in dire straits.

Let's get one thing straight. Not all dates have to be prospective husbands. Unless your biological alarm clock is screaming, does it really matter if you can't see your future with him beyond next Saturday night? Reveals Beattie. "A lot of young women are now saying: 'I'm having a good time, he's great to be with; who knows if it'll come to something? It's a healthy attitude to cultivate, and means you'll probably marry a friend."

Change your mind

Stop worrying about what other people think of your boyfriend. Your friends don't think he's good looking /intelligent/ trendy enough for you? Who cares? You're having fun— not planning to walk immediately down the aisle together. The more men you go out with, the more likely you are to discover that Mr. Right-For-You is packaged quite differently from how you expect. 

"Try to meet lots of new people," advises Beattie, "When you meet a diverse group, you become more tolerant and less picky. You'll realise no one's perfect and become far less obsessed with finding the perfect man." 

The bottom line is this: Sitting at home and saving yourself for Mr Perfect isn't just boring; it's actually stopping you from meeting him. As Dr. Hall says, the guy you end up marrying will turn up when you least expect him, in the least likely place, looking not at all like you expected. But remember, he isn't going to come knocking on your door. 

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