My Dear Peththappus, I was greatly distressed to hear that you had escaped from Mahinda maama’s bird cages, sparking a nationwide hunt for the four of you. I know many people are criticising this and asking why the Police are so keen on locating you, when they should have been looking for ‘Nediyavan’ or ‘Vinayagam’. [...]

5th Column

The know-all Presidential peththappu

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My Dear Peththappus,
I was greatly distressed to hear that you had escaped from Mahinda maama’s bird cages, sparking a nationwide hunt for the four of you. I know many people are criticising this and asking why the Police are so keen on locating you, when they should have been looking for ‘Nediyavan’ or ‘Vinayagam’.

You must pardon all these people who are criticising the efforts being made to locate you, my dear ‘Peththappus. They do not know that because you live with Mahinda maama, you have seen and heard many state secrets — and because you can speak about what you heard, you pose a security risk!

You would have heard about what went on at all those Cabinet meetings and how ministers were addressing each other using names which are used more often to describe members of the animal kingdom — that is why your absence from Mahinda maama’s house is such a security risk.

We all know that some of our ministers — even those who went to Oxford — are not the best brains in the business but we don’t want the general public realising that one of them called another ‘meeharaka’ and was called ‘booruwa’ in return, do we?

Of course, having been flying around Mahinda maama’s house for several years now, you must have had your share of knowledge about what he thinks of some of his own ministers — and why he still keeps them in the Cabinet, when most of us think that they should have been long gone by now.

For instance, the general public would dearly like to know Mahinda maama’s ‘pet’ name for Uncle Mervyn when he — or one of his family members — acts out yet another particularly disgusting spectacle. Now, you would have had access to such information, but word shouldn’t get out, should it?

Nor for that matter should we, the masses, be allowed to know what Mahinda maama thought of Rauff in recent times when his party was rocking the boat or his candid feelings about Geneva Losing when the learned professor performed true to his name for the third time in a row.

Even more interesting would be Mahinda maama’s thoughts on that very friendly lady, Mrs. Pillay or that man Cameron who thinks we are still part of the British Empire. You might be able to tell us what they were, but that would cause a scandal of international proportions, I would think!

You would know about all those people who visited Mahinda maama asking for positions. You would know which minister wanted which portfolio and who among the many hangers-on wanted to be an ambassador in which capital. That is sensitive information and shouldn’t be in the public domain!
Why, you would even know why officials are sent as diplomats to other countries when it is too embarrassing to keep them in Sri Lanka because they are getting an ‘overdose’ of headlines for the wrong reasons — and why Mahinda maama sometimes has to resort to such undiplomatic gambles.

You would have also seen and heard so many tale carriers visiting Mahinda maama. You may even know which minister wanted to lead our delegation to Geneva and the other minister who desperately wanted to the same job. Now, just imagine if the public knew who both those losers were!

You must be also knowing about all those Green MPs who criticise the government by day and visit you by night, asking for a better deal. Why, if you had escaped a few months ago, we would have known about Dayasiri’s crossover a long time ago. And who knows, you can now tell us who is next!

Talking of the Greens, Peththappus, you may have also overheard the deal that was struck between Mahinda maama and Uncle Karu when he took seventeen Greens to the other side. You may even know what was promised and why Uncle Karu returned to the Greens while the others stayed back!

Then, you must have surely overheard all those conversations between Mahinda maama and Uncle Ranil when they met many times over coffee. Because of that, I’m sure, you would also know the answer to why both Mahinda maama and Uncle Ranil appear to be holding on to their jobs for life!

And just before you flew away, ‘Peththappus, you would have been flying around when our victorious cricketers turned up to show Mahinda maama the World Cup that they won. And wouldn’t we dearly like to know what young Malinga said about how he thinks he is the next best after Arjuna!

I am sure you know all this and much more, Peththappus, and that is why they tried their best to locate you. Just imagine what it would be like if you fell into the wrong hands — and if either Channel 4 or that Sison lady got hold of you?

Of course, Channel 4 would have made another documentary based on what you said and called it ‘credible information’ while the lady would have sent you to Guantanamo Bay and had you tortured until you revealed all. That would be dreadful, so I hope they find you, safe and sound, soon.

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS: I heard just now, Peththappus, that all three of you have been located and returned to Mahinda maama’s bird cages. That is very good news because I hear Satellite will meet Mahinda maama soon, and that is one meeting which you don’t want the general public to know who said what to whom!

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