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After the ‘I do’
By Ayesha Inoon
What makes a good marriage? A strong marriage is one that is built on a foundation of love, trust, mutual respect and understanding, many couples will tell you. It is open to change and tolerant of imperfections. But at a time when casual affairs and ‘open’ relationships are becoming increasingly common and divorce rates are climbing, how do couples stay together happily?
With all the excitement of falling in love with the man or woman of your dreams and the thrill and romance of getting engaged and planning for a wedding, many couples forget the true essence of what marriage means. A wedding is only the gateway to the long path that the couple must travel together.

While many couples get married with the best of intentions, they are often unable to envision what their relationship will be like on a routine day-to-day basis. The reality of living with a less than perfect spouse and facing the conflicts, crises and hassles that are part of married life can be difficult to handle if you were expecting a story book ‘happily-ever-after’.

“It is only when you live under one roof that you begin to notice the flaws and weaknesses in a person,” says Anne Abayasekera, who has been a family counsellor for over thirty years. She adds that, sadly for most couples, as they begin to notice such flaws, they forget the qualities that attracted them to the person in the first place, which are still there.

Counsellors at Sri Lanka Sumithrayo, which provides free pre-marital and marital counselling, say that discussing important issues like money, children, sex, and in-laws before marriage will help set the stage for a smoother relationship. It is important, they add, that a couple seeks guidance from parents, religious organisations, or counsellors to help them prepare for their life together.

Effective communication - both before and after marriage - is the key to understanding each other, they say. Couples must learn both to talk and express their needs and feelings as well as to listen and comprehend what the other has to say.

Knowing and understanding the common issues that every marriage is faced with and how to handle them will help them meet the challenges of their everyday life and build a satisfying, long-lasting relationship.

Finances
When Deepthi* first got married, she expected her husband to completely take over the responsibility of the household. Although she too was employed, she had been brought up in a home where money was something provided by the man. Her husband on the other hand, wanted her to share some of the expenses, which she resented.

According to Sumithrayo, money is one of the primary areas of conflict in a marriage. Attitudes towards money may vary according to one’s upbringing. One spouse may be a compulsive spender, the other more careful. A husband may expect his wife to handle the household expenses because his mother did so.
Many decisions in relation to money, such as buying/renting a house, saving, and how the money should be spent, have to be made in a marriage. Clearly communicating one’s views about finances before, and after marriage, will help to avoid conflict.

Nalini*, who has been married for five years says, “My husband and I have always been careful right from the beginning to maintain separate bank accounts and savings accounts. When one of us is short, and needs to "borrow" from the other, we're always scrupulous about returning the money. This doesn't mean we nit pick over who is spending how much...what it does mean is we don't get into conflict over how we spend. For instance - My husband is a heavily into technology and will spend huge amounts on a new computer or camera. I can't see the point in it, yet it's alright with me because he's using 'his' money. The same applies to my spending.”

Sex
Good and beautiful sex has a lot behind it, say counsellors at Sumithrayo, and a strong marital relationship stems from sexually satisfying each other. A mutually satisfying sexual relationship, however, does not just happen automatically, they say. As with everything else in one’s personality, a partner's sexuality is individual. Each person should approach the sexual relationship with respect and understanding for the other.

Also, the ways in which men and women approach sex are quite different. Sex and emotions are more closely connected for women. Sex does not begin in bed but is the culmination of the love and tenderness a couple shows for each other throughout the day, say Sumithrayo counsellors. As with all other aspects of marriage, openness in expressing one’s needs, likes, dislikes and feelings will contribute a lot towards a gratifying sex life.

In-laws
“When we were first married we lived with my in-laws,” says Ansir*. “It was helpful in a way since we did not have to worry too much about housekeeping. But they were continually asking questions, making suggestions such as ‘where are you going’, ‘why don’t you do this’, ‘why are you late’ etc. My wife and I would end up quarrelling over who was right- her parents or me. We had no freedom to do what we wanted, and in the end we had to move out after a big argument over a small issue. I wish we had done it in the beginning as it would have saved a lot of unnecessary pain.”

Whether we like it or not, by marrying someone we automatically form several new relationships. Your relationship to your spouse will probably be affected in some degree by how well you get along with his/ her family. It’s important, say those at Sumithrayo, to remember that your spouse will likely reflect the values, attitudes, personality, and behaviour of the rest of the family.

Ideally, they say, a new couple should try to live on their own from the beginning, thereby establishing their own independence, which would also give them a sense of responsibility. Husbands and wives should respect each other’s families and try to treat both with fairness as well as kindness, and avoid running to their parents whenever there is a conflict in the marriage.
They also caution that issues such as a husband supporting his parents financially should be made clear before marriage so that a wife will not find fault with it later.

Household responsibilities
Today the roles of a husband and wife in the home are not as clear cut as they used to be. Especially when both parties are engaged in earning a living, it is only fair that chores too should be fairly divided. Even when the wife is a home-maker, it is important for the husband too to get involved in some of the house-work, and also to show appreciation for what she does in the home.
Many men still feel that housekeeping is a woman’s job, says Mrs. Abayasekera. Most men are in high-pressure jobs where they may even have to work on weekends, and they feel that the wife should be grateful for the advantages and ‘perks’ they enjoy due to what the husband earns. However she says, wives often say that they would rather have the time and attention of their husbands.

Children
Children are another issue which needs to be carefully discussed prior to marriage, says counsellors at Sumithrayo. The choice of whether to have children soon or after some time, the number of children desired, etc. are things to be considered beforehand. Ideas about child-raising may differ according to the way one was brought up. While children can bring a sense of joy and fulfillment to many couples, they are also a tremendous and costly responsibility.

The arrival of a baby, however eagerly anticipated, can cause a temporary upheaval in a marriage. It is a time which requires much understanding and patience on the part of a husband, who will suddenly find all his wife’s time and energy taken up by the little one.

Involving the husband in the care of children, from changing nappies to playing with them will bring about a closer bond between the couple, counsellors say, while stressing the importance for couples to occasionally make time for each other, away from the children, such as dinner dates or maybe a weekend out of town.

Mrs. Abayasekera, who has seven children, says that they always knew that her husband came first for her. Knowing that their parents have a loving relationship gives children security, she says.

Fighting fair
Disagreements, differences of opinion and misunderstandings are inevitable in any marriage. The way in which we handle these conflicts can determine our relationships. Never criticize to hurt, says an official at Sumithrayo, and try not to raise your voice! These things may be hard to remember when tempers are flaring and emotions are running riot. But keeping calm, and trying to resolve things in a mature way should be a priority.

Making allowances, meeting each other half-way, and above all, being able to say ‘I still love you’ at the end of the day are the characteristics of a strong marriage, says Mrs. Abayasekera.

“Often in the middle of the argument we take 5 minute ‘time-outs’,” says Nalini. “These little breaks give tempers a chance to cool and rationality a moment to make itself heard.”

Counsellors also warn against sulking or carrying a grudge for several days, which can cause a festering wound. Sometimes it may pay to ‘agree to disagree’. Also, forgiveness is a virtue one cannot do without in marriage. The ability to forgive one’s partner as well as oneself will go a great way towards healing rifts.

Space
“My husband used to spend time with his friends once in a while,” says 25-year-old Shafna*. “At first I hated it-I thought they were taking away my precious time with him, and I’d nag him about it. Later, he convinced me to also see my friends. I realised that made me happier and better able to connect to my husband afterwards. Now we both take time to do our own things apart from the time we spend together, and it really works for us.”
Space and freedom in a relationship are very important. Both husbands and wives need to cultivate their own separate interests and friendships.

By enriching one’s personality in this way, a spouse will be able to contribute more to their relationship, and also avoid getting into a rut where you are completely dependent on your partner for emotional gratification.
“A couple should be really good friends, and not just lovers,” says Mrs. Abayasekera. “When you know that you have a friend and ally in your partner, together you can face whatever life may deal you.”

*Names have been changed

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