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Caught
in the middle Sam*(14) is the eldest in a family of four. His dad is a strong Anglican and mum, a devoted Catholic. But both his parents got married without any problems from their families. Sam says he’s very happy to have an understanding family, where any kind of problem can be discussed without hesitation. However, the difference in religious philosophy in his family makes Sam and his brother pretty uncomfortable. Both his parents go to separate churches, even during Christmas, and usually, matters related to religion are not spoken about at home. Sam recalls that once he questioned his mother on a matter of doctrine, when his father was at home. His mother’s answer clashed with his father’s and an argument ignited. “I was very confused. If my parents are from completely different backgrounds, I can understand what they are going through. But being in the same religion in different sects, I don’t understand why such simple differences become a problem,” says Sam and he adds that since then, he has never spoken about matters concerning religion at home, but at the same time he knows that these arguments won’t affect his parents’ marriage. Sumitha*(18) says that she has a happy family, although her parents got married without the approval of their parents. But when her grandparents, from both sides visit, she rarely comes to the living room. “My mother complains that I never speak to her family members and my father says it’s the other way around. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my grandparents, but very simple things are enough for my parents to start a fight when my grandparents are in. I used to get very scared, but now I don’t take those arguments too seriously.” It happens at some point in our family. We have to witness an uneasy situation, which has nothing to do with us, but which involves us. It’s true that, when our parents argue, we feel very lonely and confused. “Arguments and fights that happen once in a blue moon don’t have an impact on children, unless the concerned child is very sensitive. It also depends on the age of the child, because a little child could get scared when they see an argument and hear the tone adults use during an argument. During these times, children must understand that parents are humans too. They have their own similarities and differences, like all of us,” says Anne Abayasekara, a well-known counsellor. However, there are families that live under the gloomy cloud of much bigger suffocation, loneliness and violence than ordinary arguments. Guilt, shame and stigma silence this fact. Most often, many who are victims endure repetitive victimisation in a situation of domestic violence. Domestic violence can be a physical assault and battering, or it can be psychological as with constant criticism, refusal to acknowledge or support or the deliberate use of silence, perhaps weeks at a time. It is behaviour that controls the abused partner and most of the time, their children, for the purpose of establishing and maintaining authority. It can range from constant put downs, dismissals or ridicule, to controlling behaviour, shoving, beating and threatening. Yet many parents live in situations of domestic violence, as a result of us – their children. Prema* (22) says that, she has witnessed constant arguments at home between her parents. “I feel helpless. I feel very bad that I cannot do anything about it.” Prema has had bad experiences when she tried to stop these fights. She adds, “The problem with my parents is that they don’t consult each other when problems arise. Each one takes different decisions on the same problem. I don’t know whether it’s the lack of time or the lack of money.” Currently, Prema is living with her older sister and now she’s so glad that she’s free from verbal violence. For the past eighteen years, Melani* lived a double life. Outside, she looked happy and academically successful. But behind the well-decorated curtains of her house, she was under constant fear – fear of the unknown, of loneliness and many fears that she cannot even recognize herself. “I wish I was never born,” she says. She has witnessed her father beating her mother and witnessed her mother’s disfigured face, depressed outlook and anxiety. She doesn’t understand why her father gets mad and she says that he starts a fight with her for no reason. Yet her mother still opted to live with her father. In many instances, she wanted her mother to complain to the police, but her mother doesn’t want to take that step. Once Melani thought of lodging a complaint, but her mother stopped her. “I don’t know why she wants to live with him, even after all the beatings and verbal torture. My friends say that once I finish my A/levels I am free. Then I’ll find a job and move out of the house. I feel sorry for my mother, but I am going to decide what is best for my life,” says Melani. Melani may be able to move out of her house (hopefully she will find a peaceful life), but her fears will not move away from her heart so easily. “I don’t think I’ll ever get married. I am very scared to even witness marriage ceremonies, I don’t know why,” says Melani, leaving many such questions in her tone. Some cultures and societies permit intimidation of women and the use of force to preserve the status of the male. Twenty-eight-year-old Gihan*, who’s now happily married and working in a leading company, reflects on his story. “I was a failure in relationships in the past, especially when I was in my early twenties. I didn’t know why women didn’t understand me. I had few girl friends, before I found my wife, but all these girls couldn’t stay with me for even one month. And I didn’t have many friends to seek guidance from.” Gihan recalls that once he tried to commit suicide as a result of a broken relationship, but was somehow saved by one of his friends. And through this friend, he attended private counselling. After a few years, his entire self changed. “I understood what was wrong with me. Since my childhood, I always saw my father doing everything by intimidation and violence. I saw how my mother was very scared and even my sister couldn’t do anything. I learnt that when you control everyone, especially women you can win. As a result, I was very possessive. I detested anyone who had a different opinion and always wanted my friends to agree with me. I also thought women were always weak and men should keep women under them. This is why I failed in my past relationships with not only women, but potential friends,” he says. “If fights and arguments are continuous and turns into domestic violence, it undermines the child’s security and confidence in their parents, that they will always be there for them. It’s a state of uncertainty, which drives children away from their bond with parents. When children tend to see violence during their upbringing, they tend to integrate violent behaviour into their lifestyle as well,” says Mrs. Abayasekara. According to Mrs. Abayasekara, the main reason for domestic violence is that one of the concerned parties is unable to control anger and when anger turns into rage, it leads to verbal and physical attack. “The situation gets worse when parties keep on arguing. I also found that some of these people, even after apologising tend to use violence again and again. These people cannot control themselves and need some kind of psychological back-up. In such situations, it’s very, very difficult for children, as they are in a situation where their home rotates in the cycle of tension – abuse, relief; abuse, relief; abuse, relief. Yet many mothers tend to stay with their abusive families, thinking it will ruin the lives of their children if they break up with their husbands. Some-times, these women try to pacify the situation by blaming themselves as responsible for provoking their husbands’ anger.” Says Mrs. Abaya-sekara, “It’s very sad that many parents enrich their children with all the best material things the world has to offer, like tuition, swimming lessons, elocution classes, drama classes, thinking that these things will keep the children happy when their home life is unpleasant. This situation will affect the entire life of the children. Only a few are able to overcome the traumatic experience with courage and come up in life, but the rest will bear the scars created by this situation. As a result of domestic violence, some children, especially girls, fall for the first man who’s nice to them. Or else, some girls hate their fathers, and it will apply to all men. This is the result of witnessing their fathers’ behaviour towards their mothers’. Sometimes, they may not consider marrying, thinking that their husbands’ might treat them in the same way as their fathers’ did their mothers.” Having identified domestic violence as a crime against humanity, society is now open to stop this violence. Even the immediate victims of domestic violence can lodge a complaint to the police and take matters to courts, but Mrs. Abayasekara admits that children have very little choice in this matter. “How many children are in a position to move away from home? Even if they did, the parents may not want their children to be living with their aunts and uncles. This situation makes the children really helpless. They’re stuck.” She says that there is no definite solution for children caught up in domestic violence, until they are able to move out of their house. But Mrs. Abayasekara adds that children can talk about the matter with a trusted elder person, who can influence the parents. “It can be your aunt, uncle or even your teacher. Domestic violence is not a silent topic now. If you don’t find any support in your family circle, you can choose to seek help from professional organisations.” “Women In Need (WIN) is an NGO that helps out specifically in situations of domestic violence. WIN gives advice for both parties concerning domestic violence.” WIN can be contacted on 2575765. (*Names have been changed) |
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