POLITICAL SKETCHBOOK

POLITICAL SKETCHBOOK by Rajpal Abeynayaka

How the 2nd of April spells relief
At least the police have done a good job. It has been chuck your paw cop. They have stuck to the rules. But my friend - a tad shortsighted he is but otherwise quite normal -- said he cannot agree.

I told him "don't be mean, the police have done a good job, they have removed all the posters.''
Tosh, he says.

"My whole newspaper has become a poster, and why aren't they removing that?'' There are no intruding posters, he says, and what do you call this? He shoves 500,000 column inches of newspaper in may face.
Just then the phone rings.

It is from the campaign of Mr. No-poster-man. He has been calling more times than when my friend had a teenage daughter and was being besieged by admirers every ten minutes.

Mr No-poster man does not believe in intruding into our lives with posters.
Instead he just rings. Everytime we snooze, he rings. Everytime we ease ourselves, he rings. Everytime we eat he rings. Everytime we pray he rings.
"This is from the campaign of Mr No poster man…..'' he says. "And here is the recording.''

He may call you at the ungodliest hour, but he is still Mr. Fair. He doesn't use posters. No posters -- no plastic. Then there is this other matter of debris that is collecting by the gate. The police is getting rid of posters, but they are no help getting rid of this garbage. Most of it comes again from the likes of I'm-no-poster-man candidates. No posters. But will deposit, pile for pile, tons of paper at your doorstep. Tralala. Vote for me. I am Mr clean.

No posters??
All the poster boys are on television. They have greased their hair slick, combed it back, some have it blow-dried, and they are talking 60 miles per hour. These poster boys have come off the walls. These are poster boys without posters - and the police cannot ban the television.

If the Elections Commissioner appoints a Competent Authority, we are going to get a 50-50 dose of these poster boys. But the Elections Commissioner says drastic action will be taken. Dire action. Grave action. He is going to appoint a Competent Authority also. That's when he gets competent, and that will be either when he retires, or when the Elections are over. I won't say whichever comes first.

Then the poster girls, they could beat Chandrika Kumaratunga for spunk. In an all-women show on Women's Day, they made their pitch for the emancipation of women. It was eloquent, and spared no male this side of the Suez. Equal rights had finally arrived. Until one of them signed off. She said vote for me -- my preference number is such and such.

The moderator says preference numbers are not allowed on an independent show. Another woman candidate then signs off saying she is not going to state her preference number because it's against the rules. But she signed off saying 7 Up. The moderator did not say pitches for soft drinks aren't allowed .

At the end of this week, all of this will be over. The Competent Authority even if he is competent will not have to be appointed anymore. There will be no more clichés such as "I'm no plastic man - I am an honest man,'' and the phone will not ring anymore and there will be no more piles of garbage at your doorstep. Strange, but I think the masses will not want any more relief from the politicians after that.

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