Mirror Magazine

 

Why do couples madly in love fall apart over racial and religious differences? Ishani Ranasinghe & Marisa de Silva find out

Standing strong
You have the perfect life. You are the apple of your parents' eye, top of your class, a devout Buddhist, with great friends and have just fallen in love with the perfect guy. What could possibly be wrong with this picture? Sadly though, it's very wrong. Your newfound boyfriend is a Catholic.

Sounds familiar? It sure does. In our day to day lives, many, if not all of us, have either personally experienced or know some close friend or relative who has either gone against her family for the sake of love or sacrificed love for the sake of the family. There's no right or wrong stand on this issue because as we came to realise, there are very real and legitimate arguments that run on both sides of the line.

Take the case of *Jaden, a staunch Catholic who had a nine-year relationship with a Muslim boy with the knowledge and consent of both their parents. The couple were madly in love and everyone thought they were a match made in heaven. And so it would have been, if not for one slight hitch. They got engaged, arranged a date for the wedding, everything was set, when the groom-to-be's family started to pressure him to get her to convert.

Up until then however, there was a good understanding between the couple that neither of them would ask nor expect the other to convert but, the family pressure was too great for even such a long-standing affair. Therefore, due to Jaden's refusal to convert and her boyfriend's inability to stand up to his family, they broke up.

An unfortunate twist of fate or a conflict of priorities?

Nothing should be a problem if you really love your partner but, "my grandmother might have a heart attack, if I marry someone from a different religion," says Jamie, 19. Her personal belief however, is that if a girl plans to get into a relationship with a boy from a different race, she must either be willing to make many sacrifices for him or come to some sort of mutual agreement that would be beneficial to both parties. "In a relationship, there must always be give and take and you shouldn't care what others think because it's finally your decision," she says with conviction.

Some may make the statement that love can conquer anything. Maybe it can stand the test of time through sickness and health or for better or worse but can it endure society's scorn or being disowned by one's family? That's where the real test lies. How many of us ordinary people can overcome forces as powerful and persistent as these?

"When we first started going out, it was because we had so much fun together and liked each other," says Shihani, 26. But gradually it became serious, "and all hell broke loose". Shihani had to face many objections because her boyfriend was a Tamil. Finally, understanding the differences were too great and the awareness that things might not work out, they separated. "I didn't want to risk hurting my parents," she continued.

"When you are in a relationship like this, people are going to talk," is what *Jeevanthi had to say. "Apart from my parents, I had to deal with my friends and afterwards my relations." It was tough and she agrees that everyone had a point. But in the end, they reluctantly came around in the face of the couple's unwavering determination.

Are we being fair to categorise all those who don't see the sense of inter-racial or inter-religious relationships as being prejudiced? Is that the only argument against this sort of relationship? We soon found out otherwise.

Nineteen-year-old Denu feels that your partner being of a different faith is fine as long as both parties concerned respect each other's religion and find common ground. They should also be committed to the relationship because there is the chance that things might not go too smoothly. "You have to realise parental opinion does count, especially in a country like Sri Lanka," she says.

Sabeeha feels that if the two people love each other, differences in race and religion shouldn't be a problem at all. "They should be able to compromise."

But what do parents feel? How open are they to the idea of their children finding partners from a different community? One parent said she would not want it for the sake of her child. "There are going to be problems and I don't want my child to go through it," she said.

"It's not really right and the chances of such a marriage working out is slim," said another mother.

One mother, after much thought said that she guessed it would be o.k. "But they have to know what they are getting into and also have things sorted out beforehand."

Kimara, (21), says that race doesn't really come into play much because it's mostly to do with differing cultures, traditions or last names. "To an extent, I see why people may claim that when it comes to religion, it's best if you could keep it the same but, I don't think it should ever act as the deciding factor between whether or not a relationship is viable."

She adds wistfully that "if someday, you are lucky enough to find a partner as close to your 'dream person' as you're ever going to get, you shouldn't be stupid enough to throw it all away for the reason that he doesn't belong to your race or religion. You may live to regret that decision."

It's hardly an impossible feat for two people of different races or religions to make a relationship or marriage work but there are a few additional obstacles that other newly wed couples may not have to face. For starters, the type of wedding ceremony must be decided upon. Then there is the question of what religion any children they might have would be brought up in.

These decisions must all be taken at some point and though each party can feel strongly on such important issues, many compromises have been made successfully in countless relationships and some of the happiest marriages around have been those of mixed couples. But it has not always been easy.

Take the case of *Roshan, a Buddhist and his wife *Dinu who's a Christian who got married on the premise that they'd wait till their children were old enough to decide on a religion for themselves. However, once the child was born, they decided to go ahead with a Christian baptism. As time went by and the child grew up and started going to school, *Roshan's parents used to take their grandchild and go to the temple after school. As a result of this *Dinu, separated from her husband.

Eventually though, after an incident where their daughter became seriously ill and both parents were asked to be present in hospital, they decided to try out counselling to resolve their issues. This was successful and they remain happily married up to date.

Counsellor Mrs. Anne Abayasekera believes that such marriages do work. "The two parties should be able to understand and respect each other's religion."

She also says that if a person is dedicated to his/her religion and he/she thinks there is no other religion but theirs, she doesn't see why they even think of marrying outside their faith. That attitude doesn't help and she feels that if such a person is to marry, that's because of his/her hidden agenda to get the partner to convert.

When people are in love, they don't really think about others, "But it is important to remember that it will be the little difficulties that will become major problems," Mrs. Abayasekera warns.

"I know a lot of people who have married outside their faith and are happy," she says. "Before getting married, they have to discuss things thoroughly - like when a child is born what his or her religion will be." This is because it is a risky situation with lots of emotions involved. When a child is born, the in-laws come in and want their grandchild to be of their own religion. "The couple should be able to stand up to it or it could lead to problems."

Her advice to people who want to marry outside their religion is to look into yourself and see if you can be happy living with the person and also understand that he/she might not always share your views. For example, when in sickness, while you might turn to your religion for comfort and strength your partner will turn to his/her religion for strength, thus, you will not be able to share it. "Basically, you should be able to say 'you do it your way and I will do it mine but we will get through this together'."

She gives the case of a couple who are Hindu and Roman Catholic. "Here they respected each other's religion and paid attention to it. They celebrated each other's festivals and basically had a good understanding." But she is also quick to point out that even though there have been quite a few successful marriages, there have also been some which have been rocky and broken up.

There may be isolated instances where both families have been understanding and realised that together with their support and love, the couple can overcome their problems. Such families respect the decision of their children and help them get by. Unfortunately, these are few and far between. The situation might be improving now, for after all we are living in the 21st century. But the question we need to ask is how many of us, both young and old, have actually updated our thought processes and shed our prejudices. As Anne Abayasekera points out, "We're all human beings first, before we're separated by different faiths."


Back to Top  Back to Mirror Magazine  

Copyright © 2001 Wijeya Newspapers Ltd. All rights reserved.
Contact us: | Editorial | | Webmaster|