Mixed and matched

In any marriage there are differences and each new situation faced by newly-weds comes with its own set of challenges. However, as Mrs. Abeysekera affirms, the chances are that a couple in a mixed marriage may encounter even more differences and require a greater degree of strength from each partner to cope with them.

In Sri Lanka we see two common types of mixed marriages, inter-communal and inter-religious. In Mrs. Abeysekera's opinion although racial differences involve certain struggles, she feels that within the Sri Lankan family the differences are not too difficult to handle. "For such a marriage to work there should be respect for the person and the community from which he or she comes from. Inter-communal marriages can become a problem with the war and the polarization of people. And it becomes hard for the couple if the families involved, object to the extent of cutting off all ties with them. You have to be very strong to deal with something like that, but I have seen such marriages work."

Personally, Mrs. Abeysekera is of the opinion that it is the religious differences that seem to generate more emotional upheavals. The reason for this, she feels, is the fact that faith is a very fundamental part of the individual - sometimes much more than race.

No one decides to fall in love with a particular person. But, when 'in love', differences seem negligible because the attitude of every love-struck young couple is that anything is possible and that everything can be worked out. The reality is that there are difficulties and differences to work through and the sooner they are faced the better.

Nimanthi, a 23-year-old, is in love with someone of a different faith. The road she's been travelling has not been easy, but finally things seem to be working out. At present she is engaged to be married, but at this point her most immediate problem is, as she puts it, "the marriage scene". She is a Catholic and her fiancé, a Muslim and there lies her dilemma. "I want a church wedding and he wants his religious ceremony, but I know the two of us can work things out, so long as there is no interference."

Interference, the word that has this uncanny way of slipping into Nimanthi's conversations on a regular basis. That seems to be her biggest fear. "Together, I know that the two of us can get through situations. What really worries me is the interference that may come from my family and his community. There are only so many problems that we can anticipate, the rest we're just going to have to take it as it comes." 

As she emphasises, people don't plan on whom they fall in love with, neither do they concern themselves with external details when in love - "When I fell in love the question of religion didn't come into play at all. Later on when I did give the difference of religion some thought, it really didn't matter. What made it easier, I suppose, was the fact that he wasn't a staunch Muslim - if he was, I don't think that I could have gone through with our relationship."

When it was obvious that they were serious about their relationship, objections came from parental quarters, specifically hers. They were upset about the religious differences and more importantly the problems that may arise once their daughter was married. "I know that in time I may have problems, but every couple does and it's really a question of how we work things out," says Nimanthi. 

At this point things seem to be working out for her. She is accepted by his family and her family "gets on fine with him". The reason for this, she feels, is that they were willing to wait for their families to get used to the idea of their relationship. "I wasn't going to leave home. My parents' blessing was important to us and I was also lucky to be accepted, almost immediately by his family." These days her favourite phrase is "good things come to those who wait". 

Says Mrs Abeysekera: "Attitude is the all important factor in making such a marriage work. A superior attitude towards your spouse's religion could be disastrous. Worse still is the aim to convert your spouse. Nobody likes to be treated like that and that must be respected." 

In Sri Lanka, as in most countries in the region, extended families can pose a problem in such a situation. In-laws have a lot to say and it is in this context that children of such marriages and the ultimate decision about their faith have become an issue. Although the couple may choose to make the decision independently, there is a degree of pressure that comes from parental quarters. In such instances the couple must remain strong, advises Mrs. Abeysekera. 

Another aspect that many young couples don't give a thought to is that differences can arise when attitudes to what is important change over the years. In her line of work Mrs. Abeysekera has found individuals who have had a change of attitude, sometimes even after 20 years of marriage. At that point, they may change their mind on mutually decided issues. "I've counselled individuals who, after so many years wished to see their partners convert, even though they realised that this was unreasonable. Be prepared, even for this situation. There are plenty of mixed marriages that have worked, but you have to be aware that there could be differences - even regarding something as simple as the celebration of festivals - and work things out in a spirit of generosity."

With regard to religion, 'Let the children decide' attitude is also something that Mrs. Abeysekera is not very happy with. She feels strongly that children need a spiritual base when they are young. It's too much to be exposed to two different faith traditions. Let them choose, if they must, when they are older, she stresses, but as little children let them be brought up in one faith. It is less confusing and less difficult for them.

Marriage calls for a lot of maturity on the part of the individuals in any marriage, more so in a mixed marriage. This is where the couple's respect for each other and their respective faiths come into play. Man-made barriers that can be overcome with a spirit of love, which is the essence of any faith. Faith should draw people together and see them grow together in love, instead of acting as a divisive force. 

Shamini's marriage is a shining example of a couple's capability to grow together in love despite all odds. For her, after 12 years of marriage, the key to making a marriage work is deciding that you want a long lasting relationship with a person and making a commitment to him or her.

Shamini met her husband at work. She was in her late teens and he was in his early twenties. The attraction was almost immediate just as the challenges. 

"He was a Muslim and I was a Catholic. In office itself the suitability of of our relationship was questioned. But we were on the same level and committed to each other, so much so that in the very early stages of our relationship we had decided that we would some day get married. We even discussed the issues that would arise in that event."

Pressure from family quarters was strong. Both their families were against their relationship. Says Shamini, "It was harder for him as he was the only son." 

Looking back, she feels that the issues brought up by their parents were valid. "They were concerned about how we would get married, about our children, about our family life etc. But these were all issues we had already dealt with. We gave them the time they needed to get used to the idea of our relationship."

After meeting her soulmate in1979, Shamini finally married him in 1990. She firmly believes that the fact that they waited for so long helped their parents realise that "this was it". 

"Our first years of marriage were the most difficult, but we have settled into a very comfortable, fulfilling relationship. When we were younger we did get upset about what people said but now we don't really care."
Helpful tips

In her Young Couples' Workshop, Mrs Abeysekera advocates the same kind of patient, loving relationship that Shamini shares with her husband. Some of her tips for couples deciding to enter into a mixed marriage:

* Be prepared to meet each other half way

* Be aware of what could be divisive factors and deal with them for they can become the gaps in a marriage. 

* Make your decisions and stick to them - especially those regarding your children.

*Think long and hard before getting into a marriage. There is absolutely no point plunging into marriage and then thinking.

*Speak to religious leaders and learn about what you are getting into. 

* Keep what brought you together in the foreground and let love dictate how you act in times of differences. 

Says Mrs. Abeysekera, "What I find sad is that in such a marriage the couple won't be seeking strength and comfort from the same source and they won't be able to enter completely into each others' religious celebrations. Still, with the spirit of love, anything is possible." 

As an after-thought she adds, "Of course that is the ideal (and with a happy laugh) - but some people make it!"


How to make it work

If you are considering a mixed marriage, you should know that just as much as this may be an enriching experience it could also be a difficult one, not just for both you and your spouse, but also for your families. 

Here are some potential problems you will face. Examine these questions and discuss your opinions and feelings concerning these issues honestly and openly with your spouse-to-be. 

* Where will you worship? 

* How much do you know about your partner's faith?

* Have you dealt with your parents' fears and concerns?

* Into what faith will your child be introduced? 

* Who will be responsible for the religious education of your children? (Hopefully, both of you will.) 

If you don't begin giving your children a depth of religion early, you'll end up with children with no religious identity. Parents who don't lay a religious foundation for their children are making it easy on themselves, not their children.

Points for success:

* Discuss these questions honestly 

* Be respectful of each other's faith 

* Get to know and respect your spouse's faith 

* Don't let the non-essentials get in the way 

* Find a worship pattern that fits your faith and your family 

* Take the religious education of your children seriously 

* Don't be afraid to ask for help. Speak to a counsellor or other couples who've had similar experiences 

* Don't stop talking to each other 

* Remember the bottom line is communication. Each of you has to realize that your spouse's faith is as important to him or her as yours is to you 

- Adapted from the Internet


A daughter's view

Sixteen-year-old Karen gives a teenager's perspective on what it's like to be a child in a mixed marriage:

As a kid, I always enjoyed the fact that my parents were of different religions. My mother is a Buddhist and my father a Catholic, thus we celebrate most religious festivals on the calendar. My childhood memories range from fixing coloured paper on lantern structures for Vesak to making ornaments for the Christmas tree. But just as much as it has been fun, I also know that things have been quite difficult for my parents.

I remember that I was very confused when I learnt the Ten Commandments in school and figured out the importance of worshipping only one God. At that time my grandmother, who was a Buddhist, would also take me to the temple and make me offer flowers there. 

I had never thought much about this (since I would have been only about five years old), but since I felt that I was doing something wrong I told this to my grandmother who immediately kicked up a fuss. Although I was kept out of it, I know she made life difficult for my parents on that issue.

My sister and I were both baptized as Catholics and I sometimes wonder if my mother feels left out. I'm sure she does, for although she comes with us on special days for mass, she doesn't come every Sunday, so she misses out on a very important part of our lives. I know that this is an experience that brings us together and I feel sad that she can't be a part of it. 

Religion, however, isn't a huge stumbling block in our family life. So I suppose I really can't complain, but at the same time I can't help feeling sad because in times of religious celebration we can't join in as a family. 

But I must say that my parents have given me everything and have done their best to shelter us from whatever differences that may occur in their marriage as a result of the religious issue. In these times where children have to deal with their parents getting divorced, I'm counting my blessings for I have parents who love each other and their children enough to want to make their marriage work.