The dumped and the dumpers

Shalini was happily married, or so she thought. But then things got difficult for her. It seemed like her husband wasn't around whenever she needed him. And she needed him often, especially with a little daughter who kept asking where her father was. Then it became more obvious that he was being unfaithful to her and after hanging on for as long as she possibly could, she gave in. She gave him the divorce he wanted.

Today he is married with a family of his own. She's alone, struggling to bring up their daughter. The little girl spends time with her father, but eventually comes back to the lonely life at home, which she resents. Life is not easy for Shalini: she's been rejected, she's alone and she's hurt. 

Rejection is something that everyone deals with sooner or later in life but that does not make it any easier to handle or less painful. Yet for some, like Shalini, it's harder than it is for others. The breaking up of a relationship is heart-breaking because one person decides that the relationship won't work out and the other has to live with that decision and come to terms with it.

Says counsellor Anne Abayasekara: "Break-ups come about when one person in the relationship decides they've had enough and wants out. For a relationship to completely end both parties have to want out. But it could also work out that ultimately it's the one who has been holding on who decides that it is time to let go. It's never an easy decision and things can get very tough. It's a terrible process that causes a lot of emotional pain. Any broken relationship is painful, especially because it starts out with love, hope and promises that just crumble."

According to her such a situation is even worse if the couple is married and more so if they have children. But at the same time although it's not her place as counsellor to advocate a separation, sometimes she feels it's for the best. 

"What happens to those who fall in love is that they have high expectations of their partner and they tend to get disillusioned. Often they fail to see things from the other person's view, while completely failing to realize that their partner probably had expectations as well." 

There are, however, those individuals who part for the most trivial of reasons, which come up primarily because the person in the relationship paid little heed to discovering the partner or their needs. 

"What example do young people have today?" she asks. "They see break-ups all around them and they in turn have problems in their relationships." 

As the person who initiates the break-up, the decision is sometimes not easy. Although the tendency is to paint such an individual as the villain of the piece, sometimes it's the best possible decision (given the situation). They too may have second thoughts about the break-up. 

"It's a hard decision," says Romesh who broke up with his girlfriend because of some very "complex" reasons. "Even though you know that it's not going to work out, making the decision still hurts."

Says Romesh: "At the beginning I didn't give myself time to think. I got involved in many other things, which proved to be diversions."

"You're left with a sad feeling, but time is a healer. My biggest fear was that I would lose her as a person. There were different facets in our relationship and I didn't want to lose the friendship." And he didn't.

For the person who has been dumped, breaking-up is a time of disillusionment, primarily because you never wanted to break-up in the first place. All the dreams you've had of riding off into the sunset are suddenly shattered and all your plans for the future have received a severe blow. Suddenly, life does not seem worth living any more.

"I got dumped. Here was a guy who proposed to me every other day and then he dumps me because he gets an opportunity to go abroad on work. I don't think I'm still sure of the reason we broke up. One minute I was flying high and the next I had hit rock bottom," says Harshima, a normally chirpy person, who felt really heartbroken for the first time in her life.

"When he told me the reasons why he was breaking up with me, he made it sound as if it was character deficiencies on my part that were the reasons." 

From that point on she went through different stages starting with "shock". 

Next was denial. "I suppose hope springs eternal in the human breast and I kept dwelling on the 'what ifs' and that was painful." Trying to make sense of it all after that was easier. "I'm a person who rationalises and the process of trying to make sense of things helped. Because I am a spiritual person I stopped blaming myself and started building up my self-esteem. It's a slow process and I have my down moments, but I believe I'm a stronger person who's at peace."

Healing doesn't come easy, "it's something you grope around for in the dark and find for yourself". As for him - "I think he felt guilty because he tried to contact me, but I didn't want any contact with him when I was feeling vulnerable. I'd respect him as a human being, if he'd only acted like one." 

Moving on

The period right after the break-up is the hardest time for a person. You don't quite see things the way you used to, so watch out for that jaded, cynical outlook that many in this position tend to have. But if you think about it, things are rarely the way one expects them to be and going through a break-up is no different. For a person who is going through a break-up, surviving it may seem beyond all possibility. However coming to terms with it and moving on is really the most positive thing you can do for yourself. 

Says Mrs. Abayasekara, "Moving on is like the grieving process after death and the separation from that person is almost like death itself. During this period the individual who has been through a break-up mourns for past beauty and past joys, after all it's in our nature not to give up people easily."

After constantly being with someone over a period of time, all a person does is remember, she says. Whether you are a young guy who has just had the girl of your dreams walk into another guy's arms or a woman who has hung on to the thin strands of her marriage only to have her husband walk out on her, the process of parting is very painful. 

The most important thing you should tell yourself at this point is that you will get over this, even though it may not seem like it. 
Talk to someone

"Talk to someone," advises Mrs. Abayasekara. Lean on your friends and talk about your ex until you have no words left to say. Talking is the key to feeling better. The more you talk about your emotions, the hurt gradually ceases to be the dominant factor in your life. What's more you will know you are getting better when you realise that you are actually bored with the subject yourself. 

LEARN

After acceptance comes a learning process that will propel you forward into a new and better life. An internet site which offers points to help people through the stage of break-ups starts each point with a letter which forms the word LEARN:

L stands for List. Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that you didn't like. It may start off small, but if you pin it up in your kitchen so that you see it daily, you will be amazed at how it will grow. Remember how he put you down in company? Or how she could not be bothered to get involved in your job or hobbies? Write it all down and start realising that maybe your lost relationship was not so great after all.

E is for Experience. After a relationship is finished, we tend to think that we can never be loved again. The fact is that there is every probability you will be loved again - not by your ex-partner. You will never again share exactly what you had in that relationship, but you can have just as important feelings with someone else.

A stands for Appreciation. Appreciation of yourself. Congratulate yourself on all your positive qualities and do it often. Another helpful task is to write a list of things that you like about yourself. This might take some doing, but it is a rewarding exercise. You see, in a break-up we tend to take the blame on our own shoulders. We mentally beat ourselves up for not being more fun or nicer. Stop this destructive thinking and just for a change, allow yourself to feel your own goodness. Learning to accept this is very healing.

R is for Re-organising. Un- fortunately, when you have been half of a couple for a while, many of your friends will be other couples who knew you and your ex. Sadly, some of these people are probably avoiding you like the plague now. But even if you keep plenty of old friends, this is a time when you need a whole new circle of mates of both genders.

N is the most important let- ter in this acronym. It stands for No contact with your ex. Although contact may bring a closeness that might make you feel loved and wanted temporarily, it will leave you with more sorrow and confusion afterwards. So do not do it. If your ex begs to come back and try again, then you can make a decision at some later date about whether or not you will give it a go, but don't decide anything when you are feeling vulnerable.

"Although breaking up is hard for those in a relationship, or even for those who've been married without kids, couples who have children have to deal with a lot more problems in a break-up," says Mrs. Abayasekara. As she sees it the sad fact is that many come to her on the brink of a break-up or just after one. "One session may help, but to practically work things out people need time, maybe even years. It's always best to examine what is wrong in a relationship and try to meet each other half way."

(Names have been changed) 
 

Get a Grip

Before you do anything else, accept your current vulnerability. Tell yourself that it's OK to sob. Prepare too, for the possibility that your values may dramatically change mid break-up and above all, maintain your dignity.

Don't phone your ex at 2 a.m. in a frenzy and cry, berate or threaten him or her. You'll only hate yourself afterwards. Likewise, don't cross-examine your ex about the motives for the break-up. You'll probably be told a lie or worse, you may be told the truth. Finally, let go. 

Be nice to yourself 

Don't exacerbate your pain by taking the relationship rap. Instead, pamper yourself. Drop in at your local video store and stage a between-the-sheets festival of your favourite films. It doesn't matter if they're three-handkerchief melodramas or romantic comedies, as long as they're therapeutic. 

Forgive yourself. Don't dwell on your relationship miscues. Instead, recall all the things you did right, then tally up his/her flaws. Write and recite affirmations, or keep a "break-up journal" that tracks your many emotions and marks your progress toward recovery. 

Let it all out

Not everyone can face the end of a love affair with equanimity. Some people are unable to process pain. Bang a drum. Beat up an old pillow. If you plan to spend time alone, use it productively. Look for patterns in your relationships past that may help prevent another break-up in the future. Ask yourself 'Do I need to be in control?'.

Get Busy 

One way to heal a broken heart is to distract yourself. Become a workaholic. Cultivate new interests or hobbies. It's important to engage in activities that you once shared with your boyfriend to "reclaim them for yourself". There's much to be said for taking on a physical challenge.

Visualise recovery

There are many paths to emotional recovery. If you're an intensive-care love casualty, you might instinctively seek counselling, either individually or in a group. Girlfriend support: These are other, less formal types of therapy, but it's important to select sympathetic friends, not those who will reprimand you for whining or who side with your ex. 

Yellow

It was indeed fascinating to see the different ideas springing from the word "yellow". The theme for the next 100 word page is 'Margins'. Pls remember that works sent to the '100 word' page may be edited. Contributions should reach us before July 21 and should be sent to:

Madhubhashini Rathnayake 
C/o The Sunday Times
P.O. Box 1136
Colombo.

Hated Yellow

I looked in the mirror
a yellow gold clad figure stared back
I tried to smile.
It was more of a grimace
They were all laughing around me,
My sisters, my mother,
So happy to get rid of the ugly duckling
I glanced down at my bouquet, in anger
made of yellow roses
Why was everything yellow?
I hated the colours
The curtains, the bedsheet,
All yellow
Why wasn't it white, my colour?
Nothing was mine.
- Sonali Fernando

Yellow

From the monastery
Of the rock temple
In single file they came
Ascetic in appearance
Heads all shorn
Clad in mini yellow robes
The little samaneras.

Against the blue brown waters 
The yellow-robed little figures
Festooned the scenic beauty
Of the tranquil countryside.

Unconcerned, they stripped
Plunged in
Frolicking, and whooping 
The little heaps of yellow robes
Whipped by the winds
Scorched by the sun
Lay bedraggled
- Ranee Perera 

A journey - the beginning & the end

Yellow was the bird that flew over our heads
as we bid you adieu
Yellowed, the letters which arrived
as promised yet delayed
Yellow on the medals they hung on your
brave lapels
Yellow, the goal of the journey
you set forth on
Yellow was the moon when they brought you home
from battlefield
Yellow, the dozen roses laid upon your
still body
Yellow on the robes of the monks who blessed you
with eternal rest
Yellow, the flames, the final 
loving embrace.

Sri Lanka's Marigolds & Van Gogh's sunflowers

Out of the dark labyrinth
Of his tormented mind and brain
Came the radiance of sunflowers
oozing with yellow brilliance,
Spreading throughout the western world.

Van Gogh never saw
Sri Lanka's marigolds
The flowers that would have soothed 
His fevered mind
White lotus and yellow araliya
Would have inspired him
Even more

And every Poya full moon night
He might have meditated
With a painter's inward eye,
And found some peace at last
In that mellow golden light

- Jegatheeswari Nagendran

Yellow Leaves

I see yellow leaves falling
Down from every tree
Yellow leaves....
Others don't like
yellow leaves
Because they are not green
But yellow
But I like yellow leaves,
because they are yellow
Not green

- Subha Ranaweera 

Yellow!

A decision hard to make,
to the simplest of questions
Pink or Blue?
To me it is a hard guess
For both stand a fifty fifty chance
After days of indecision
I finally have the answer
Yellow!

- Ruvi 

Splendour of Yellow

The Ehela tree is beautiful again,
Dripping molten blooms of gold,
A luxuriant yellow carpet
Covers the ground below.
On it walks two bhikkus,
eyes downcast;
One tall and slender,
the other short.
In saffron robes;
Their bronzed bare shoulders
gleaming
in the golden sunlight
Filtering through.
The splendour
of those brilliant rays
reflecting dazzling hues,
enthralls me...

- Priyeni de Silva McLeod 

My Poor Lemon

You remind me 
of a spoilt lemon,
With pigmented body,
Spiders on the chest
and deep yellow eyes
beseeching life.
Hearing the word cirrhosis,
they all thought
you were a cheat.
Forty-three years
of toil unpaid, vanished
in the stinking hospital air.
"Iron deposition in the liver indeed.
Bah!" they said.
The liar had only stolen their money
to gulp the yellow stuff at the Bar!
Their eyes shine
with a selfish gleam;
How could I make them
see the truth 
that the fifth precept
was never breached.
Alas! My poor Abandoned Lemon

- Deepani Munidasa 

Yellow school bus that never came

I waited at the bus stop, filled with the joy of seeing the school bus for the very first time. The school bus which would be long and majestic, slow but friendly, and of course, painted in bright yellow.

My sister shook me and pointed at the junction.

And there was this small bus. Coming to a halt in front of us making a rumbling noise. It was filled with kids, and was painted in red.

And my sister was pushing me. Where is the yellow school bus? And she kept on pushing me.

Then I started crying.

- Mahesh Rajasuriya

Tones of yellow

Blooms of bright yellow cassia
Dangling delicately from trees
Pale glimmering sands washed
By the sun tinged ocean
Radiant topaz intricately patterned
On an ancient brass bowl
Flashes of gold as the oriole
Darts from tree to tree
Tawny animal eyes glowing
Through dark leafy glades
The amber glint of water
In the silent flowing stream
Translucent ochre lanterns blinking
Beneath a golden Vesak moon
Brilliant lemon tails fluttering
Behind kites flying high
Mango juice dribbles down my chin
As my teeth sink into luscious fruits
Droplets of saffron water
Cleanse me without and within

- Anthea Senaratna

Sunflowers

When Van Gogh put brush to canvas, he gravitated towards masculine yellow, symbolising thought. But his overcharged yellow centre frustrated his intellect: Elemental life and mystic leanings defied logic; he could not control his mind's eye. His inspired mission commanded saffron shades, but negativity, confusion and poor health caused muddy ochre thoughts to erupt onto canvas in stained and sickly jaundiced hues. Internalised anger left him powerless; unable to attain the gold of wisdom. And so he painted sunflowers - spinning, whirling from their frames, setting the observant mind and heart in motion, still speaking of his relentless search for perfection.

- Faith Ratnayake. 

Yellow dahlias

On pursuit of a dream
A dream he couldn't decipher.
A fading memory
Amidst all the turmoil and hostility.
But one lingering memoir
never fading, never leaving.
Field of yellow dahlias
A smiling face above them
Warmth he misses so much.
Oh! Joseph
It's a curse
to be the chosen one!
No time to be with the loved ones
Dreams to fulfill.
Hanging desperately
to a memory
A field of yellow dahlias
A smiling face above them.
Praying, hoping one day he could return to.

- Thusara Chathuranga

Yellow

She lies in bed,
Unconscious,
beads of sweat on her forehead,
Glide down her yellow cheek.
A ragged doll.
yet, a precious life
yellow,
Her favourite colour,
Now her own Satan.
She's innocent, she doesn't know,
That a fever,
That heat in her fragile body,
Is taking a decade of life with it.
Slowly to the ocean of death,
Across the yellow sand....

- Tani Amarakoon

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