My Dear Bill,
I thought of writing to you, when I heard of all the problems you have been having lately, with Saddam threatening war and all those stories about you having an affair with a White House employee.
Of the two issues, Bill, I think the latter could be more damaging. You know what happened to George Bush, your predecessor.
He too went to war and won but lost the election. So, war is not a very serious matter. If you are really up against Saddam, all you have to do is tell TIME magazine that you’ll give part of America to Saddam for ten years and forget about it!
Then, there is this other matter, Bill, about this affair. The trouble with you people is that you encourage too much discussion about these things in your media. That’s where you start to mess up. There are a thousand other ways to deal with such things, Bill, and that is what I wanted to write to you about.
Whenever some newspaper starts writing about your personal life, Bill, you must get your AG to file charges of criminal defamation against them.
Of course, when you file four or five cases, you win some and lose some. In fact, losing some cases is also good because then the media chaps are also happy and they start talking about how good some judges are.
But you must also be careful, Bill, about what you promise these ladies. You mustn’t tell them you would be getting houses, vehicles and advertising contracts.
Then, they feel they are important and start making a big noise, threatening to sell their stories to newspapers. If it reaches that stage, Bill, you must act very quickly. If you can get someone in your Cabinet to speak for you and call the lady a black American or some such name, they usually become silent thereafter. Believe me, Bill, these are tried and tested methods - They work.
Then, Bill, if all else fails and people are still writing about you, you must take strong action.
You can try killing a media man and dumping his body on the beach for all to see.
This does silence everybody but the Republicans will be on to it in a flash and pretend to be the saviours of media freedom, so it is counter productive.
A better method is to send someone to a media man’s house and threaten him at point blank range. It is so simple, yet so effective. If you want to get the message across more forcefully, you can follow it up as “occupational hazard”.
With such tactics, Bill, you need not worry. You can always survive until the next election. And, no one will dare to treat you as a joke just try these methods and let me know how they work out, will you?
Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS - There’s some talk of some people wanting to impeach you. Just in case, dig up some dirt on the Speaker, will you?
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