Xzibit on the wheel

Splice together the urbanity of Kuala Lampur with the shiftyness of Rio de Janeiro. Add a dash of Jean-Claude Van Damme- inspired chaos for good measure and you have the essence of our capital. Cultured and outrageous. Sultry and vibrant. I like Teapolis - it's a city that seldom sleeps. Admittedly, that's because the bombs are so loud.

Lovely as it is, the metropolis is slowly inching its way towards its end. One day, we'll all be minding our business, thousands of cows, chicken, fish and other freshwater animals will be dying for Teapolis to be eaten by the hungry and BOOM. That'll be the end. As there is no Messiah rising from beneath the sea to save us from our plight, I will volunteer. I will pursue our enemies, fight and prevail. I'll make it hot, people.

Firstly, let me lure you with my campaign. Gag Xzibit and put him in the trunk; I'm going to put some 40" rims on this old clunker, 65 motorized La-Z boys and 18 Plasma TVs. Add some cool racing stripes, an aquarium and a foghorn; and other major cities around the world will stare openmouthed as President T. freeVerse barrels down the Indiana Oceania Speedway. Ladies and gentlemen, I will Pimp My Island!

If you are thinking, "I don't want to Pimp Teapolis; racing stripes won't go with the architectural beauty of our coconut trees," let me tell you why you are mistaken. Our national debt is fast approaching unfathomable numbers. It has in fact, exceeded 100% GDP. Yes, the administration is out buying new guns to play with and you, my gentleman friend, are stuck with paying for them. Remember the guy who nearly ran you over in his Carrera 911? Well, the time when you can when you'll run him off the road is a long way away. Because you don't have a Hummer. And now you know why.

Ladies, while you're busying yourself in the kitchen cleaning your oven and cooking spaghetti bolognaise for your dear husband, remember that half of his salary is NOT buying you new Manolo Blahniks. Recently, The Magnificent Republic of Four Brothers ended its long standing ceasefire agreement with the Rabid Persian Cats. The Chief Country Bumpkin Extraordinaire His Highness told his minions that time had come to eliminate the thousands of terrorists who walk our streets and ride our tuk-tuks.

He further said terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of the Magnificent Republic of Four Brothers. The terrorists will die and we will prevail. Ha-ha-ha, anything's fair." Amen Corner forbid. The Nations Incorporated and Human Rights Voyeurs were not happy about this turn of events. They said, given that 68,000 people have died, some thousand kids were recruited as child soldiers and hundreds of thousands are fleeing to India as we speak, Teapolis was facing a human rights CRISIS.

How does this affect you, the voter? Well, if you look closer, there are 68,000 people who are completely useless and 315,000 more people who have fled to India last year alone, supposedly due to war, but are surely enjoying a cricket match in New Delhi, while you're busy paying that national debt. Ladies, luckier ladies out there are getting daily suntans and foot rubs on the beach in Goa, while your husband's busy at work and not buying you new shoes.

Do not worry: I'm here to save your life. This is my war policy: When someone kills you, blows up your women and children, then cheers the carnage like a pack of deranged Chihuahuas on caffeine pills, you waste those guys. I will first smoke out Chief Persian Cat, and with Xzibit's help, fix a pulse detonation engine onto his ample derrière and send him off to stratosphere for little green people to play with.

Then, we will give the Human Rights Voyeurs some class – A binoculars sprayed in a funky pink with a Swiss army knife springing to attention at the press of a button to win back their trust. Finally, we need to do something about the national debt.

Well, we will not wait around until China takes a break from executing its baby girl population to approve us a million dollar loan. And things go according to my plan, we don't have to wait for the US, who are obviously busy blowing things up left, right and centre to condescendingly pause and give us a couple of bucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, we shall import more tea. To this end, we will clear our paddy fields, our grasslands and rainforests. In their place, we shall plant more and more tea. In addition, boring cardboard shall package our glorious tea no more. And in true Xzibit style, we shall redesign our packaging material and attach 3" wheels and mini sub-woofers.

If others want to question and criticize, as long as we have Xzibit on the wheel and a couple of jet engines to spare, we should function just fine. My fellow men of Teapolis, I solemnly promise you happiness. T. freeVerse for President 2008!