Mirror
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A
wiry mess So, where am I going, you ask? Venus, naturally, and the way Venusians abuse this power. Still have no idea what I’m talking about? Try and hang around a Venusian for a day (if you can manage this without experiencing severe mental trauma). She will spend at least fifty percent of her day on, around or in the vicinity of a phone. Now, why is this bad for her? Well, it’s not. It’s just really bad for the person who pays her phone bill. Venusians waste hours and hours on the phone. No, this isn’t an urban legend or a tall story invented by us Martians. It’s a well known and documented fact. Apart from pimples, what are teenage Venusians most known for? Hanging on the phone. According to the stereotype, what do housewives do when they’re bored? Reach for the receiver. No, this is not me just talking here – it’s pop culture. Books, movies, television – they all say the same thing. Venusians abuse telephony. Before criticising Venus any further, however, it’s important that we look at the underlying problem. Although at first glance, it may seem as though Venusians simply need the company of other Venusians in order to survive, the crux of the matter runs much deeper within the veins of every Venusian – the need to gossip. Be it in the bathroom, at a party, in the car, on the way to work, or in this case, on the phone – all Venusians have an intrinsic need to hear and spread slander. This is not something that can be easily explained in the space of a column, and since previous issues of M&V have already dealt thoroughly with this topic, it will not be examined further at this point. Now, let’s look at your average Martian. Has he got a mobile? Probably. Does he spend half of his day on the phone? Unless he’s a stock broker, probably not. Most Martians use their phones for urgent (and short) telephone messages. Call the boss? Fine. Call the significant other to check whether dinner is on? That’s cool as well. Call a friend and spend three hours on the phone talking about work, the current situation in the Middle East and the amount of traffic on Havelock Road? Probably not. And that, dear reader, is the difference between a Martian and a Venusian. Whereas a Martian will use his phone when necessary, Venusians will use precious phone time to ruminate on everything from the new Martian at work to Katie Holmes’ latest manicure. Once that piece of preliminary gossip is over, they will switch gears, and begin slandering friends and enemies alike. At the end of a few hours, one of the Venusians will have to be forcibly pried away from the phone in order for the conversation to end. Martian fathers the world over have figured out various techniques to do this. Some key phrases used by them include “grounding,” “chores” and “no make-up.” Other paternal figures end up confiscating the telephonic devices of Venusians, who simply refuse to listen. What happens then? With-drawal symptoms, of course. Venusians who are kept away from telephones for long periods of time, often end up irritable and grumpy. Prone to constant whimpering and sudden fits of rage, these Venusians will often threaten to run away from home. This condition, although quite similar, should not be confused with PMS. Ever seen a Venusian huddled nervously inside a phone booth? Yes, you guessed right. Daddy took her phone away, and she broke her piggy bank to get her daily fix of gossip. The only treatment for an addict this far gone, is total isolation from telephones. Cut the land line cables, burn her SIM card, and dump her phone unit in the sea. As said earlier, however, it’s not completely fair to heap all the blame for this addiction on single Venusians. This is something they must accept responsibility for, collectively. Therefore, all Venusians should be held responsible for jamming phone lines and blocking urgent (and important) calls. These people need professional help, and currently there is no way they can get any.
Thus, this Martian calls for the establishment of Phonoholics Anonymous.
This support group would help struggling Venusians get over their
need for gossip, and thus telephones. If an extreme case is unable
to lay totally off gossip (like many Venusians these days), she
will be taught how to get her fix via other means. Of course, the
process will be a long and hard one, but breaking an intensive addiction
has never been easy. I can just picture it now... Venus Let’s go back in time a little. Say the late 1800s, shall we? Ah yes, there once was a Martian by the name of Alexander Graham Bell, famous for many inventions, one in particular… say it with me now… the t-e-l-e-p-h-o-n-e! So, getting back to the subject, a Martian invented the device, essentially for the use of Martians (as Venusians weren’t afforded many privileges at the time). Yet, my Martian friend has the gall to say that us Venusians misuse or overuse the facility! Geez… talk about insolence!!! Another convenient oversight made by my Martian counterpart is that more often than not, the person holding the receiver at the other end is in fact a Martian. Strange how he seems to have failed to mention that minute detail, huh? Not only are Martians most often at the other side end of the line, but on many occasions they’re often the ones initiating the call in the first place. So, how do you explain that Mars? Could it be that rare ‘ten second’ call to a current love/lust interest? Or maybe it was your daily one minute check-in with your ‘better half.’ Or wait… it could even qualify as one of your five minute calls to your best mate, describing the ecstatic events of the previous night, where you hit it off with the most popular girl in town! See, Mars, the subject matter of the conversations are totally irrelevant, it’s the time duration that matters… Please let’s make an attempt to stay focused, shall we? Fathers paying bills??? Perleaze… What spoilt little brats does he hang around with? If parents are imprudent enough to gift their child (irrespective of sex) a phone, before he/she is able to pay for their bills themselves, then, in a sense, they’re setting themselves up for disaster. No kid can be blamed for that. However,
on a more practical note, if we’re taking into consideration
Venusians who pay their own bills, then it’s completely their
own prerogative how much of time and money they’re willing
to spend on their phone, isn’t it? I must say though that Mars does have quite a knack for creative writing, and thus could have quite a profitable future as a fiction writer. As for factual writing though, he may need to rethink his line of pursuance. Getting back to the melodramatic description of Venusian behaviour, sketched out by Mars, all I can say is that he seems to be hanging out with some ultra strange people. Or could it be possible that these so-called “symptoms,” are an adverse reaction brought upon by this Martian’s very presence. It does make sense after all, doesn’t it? Every time he’s around Venusians, they tend to behave in a strange manner. “It’s elementary my dear readers… simple elementary.” As we’ve already dealt extensively with the issue of Martian gossip, I’ll just move right along, as I feel I’ve made my views quite substantially vocal in a previous column, quite unlike my fellow Martian’s need to reiterate himself, due to a deep sense of inadequacy brought on as a result of his rather inferior rebuttal skills. My Martian friend also seems to overlook the countless ‘jobless’ Martians who spend hours on the phone, making prank calls to one Venusian or another. Some Martians go to the extent of calling a Venusian in quick succession, merely to breathe heavily into the phone! Some sort of twisted pleasure derived, methinks! Regardless of whether it’s a fulfilling of some sort of weird fantasy, or a relatively harmless prank call, where a Martian proclaims his undying love for the unsuspecting Venusian victim at the other end (who in all probability he’s never even seen), it all boils down to one thing; long periods of time spent on the phone!!! So, please Mars, next time you start pointing fingers and throwing “wild” allegations at Venus, it might help to look inward first! |
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