Mirror Magazine

Mirror Magazine

After the love is gone...
When relationships fail, some prefer to be just friends, some can’t bring themselves to even look at their ex, while others simply move away. Where do you stand on this issue? N. Dilshath Banu has more

Down memory lane, you remember that when you least expected it, it happened! Quite simply you were in love! You got to know more about the person and let him/her know more about you. You became more than friends.
Next, endless moments were spent hanging on the phone, you had lunch together, coffee together, you travelled together, and the records filled up with things that you did together. And then it was all over!

You are once more doing things by yourself. Back to the singleton’s lifestyle. Can you ever move beyond those intimate memories and start afresh as friends?

Being friends after a break-up... Whether you’re the one doing the dumping or the one getting dumped, breaking up is always hard to do. Love, when it’s real and returned is one of the most amazing experiences. Sadly, it’s a cruel fact that you cannot make somebody love you or like you. There are no magic, secret tricks that will make a person suddenly feel for you the way you feel for them. It’s worse, when someone you love finds out after some time that the two of you are not compatible. Even worse, is a betrayal of trust.
Ann (20):

“I think after a break- up it will somehow be hard for me to accept it, especially, if we were too close and in love. But all the same if he shows interest in being a friend, I would go for the idea, so long as there are no strings attached.

I would also consider the reason for the break-up. If it is too much of a thing to handle, then I would rather end even without a friendship. I would only sympathise, if we break up because of incompatibility.”

Lizzy (23):
“I can’t really be friends when I break up with a guy. I feel I can be a friend with the guy’s family, but not with him any more. I pray this doesn’t happen to me, because I will be greatly affected.”

Anu* (22):
“Whether we can be friends or not depends on the nature of the break-up and the reason for the break-up. It also depends on the individual. Some can adjust their feelings and relegate the memory of their ex to the past, but some can hang on with the former feelings, which are somewhat not over. If the ex has lied, then I would not consider him a friend. Friendship is based on trust. If this person cannot be faithful, what’s the point in having him as your friend?”

Jason* (22):
“If you find that you cannot make a life with your partner, then it’s better to call it off than drag the relationship. My girlfriend and I love each other, but she wanted to settle down in a country, which I don’t wish to live in. So I think it’ll affect us.

I cannot let go of all my ideals and settle down with her in her adopted country, because I know that I’ll be deeply dissatisfied. At the same time, I don’t want her to give up her career and her ideals in return for my love. So we both decided that it’s better we go our separate ways. Now we are good friends, we often chat on the net.”

Reka* (21):
“My boyfriend and I are from different religions and both of us are not willing to convert or adjust our lifestyles. As a result we broke up. It was really hard, but we knew that we had to move on. The first few weeks were really difficult. I cried a lot and hung out with my friends. But three months later, things were different and we spoke to each other. It’s very comfortable to know that both of us feel the same. So now, after two years, he’s a good friend of mine.”

Unfortunately, break-ups like Jason’s and Reka’s happen rarely. Most go with the same old rhythm of lies and betrayal. In the case of plain betrayal in a relationship, how can one be friends again? After such an experience life is going to be a challenge. In such a situation can you be friends again? Well...
Angela* (25):

“My six year-long relationship ended, because it couldn’t survive class differences. I was deeply shocked. I didn’t know why it happened that way. But now I realise that there are a few things that no one can understand. I think that is how you learn to become a better human being. It is all a learning process. I saw my ex at a wedding recently. I didn’t talk to him and I don’t think I will, unless it is very necessary, because I think I loved him too much. If you love a person and don’t receive the same response, you become bitter, which after sometime fades away”

Tony* (24):
“We were family friends and I knew her from her childhood. Our feelings for each other developed during our O/levels. Everything went well until our families got to know about the affair. Parents from both sides warned us to stop, since we were too young to be involved. Although we both declared that we would stop the relationship, we continued to meet after classes. But when her parents found a partner for her, she agreed. I told her that we could talk to our parents about it after our A/levels, but she insisted that she had promised her parents. I felt that she had betrayed me. But that feeling faded away. I forgave her, but I really don’t want a friendship, because it’ll hurt me to keep seeing her.”

Saro* (23):
“My boyfriend lied to me. If I accidentally meet him on the road, I wouldn’t even think of stopping to talk to him. How can anyone be friends with someone who cheated on you?”

It’s always difficult to mend broken relationships. As you go through the road of recovery and reconciliation, you’ll learn many things on your way. You get angry, annoyed and frustrated. You will hate the person, but slowly you will forgive him/her. Forgiveness is the last feeling. Whatever happens, don’t feel that you are worthless. Hold on to your self-esteem and walk on the journey of life with courage.

The first important thing after a break-up is to take time before you once again start to be friends. It’s up to you to decide on the time factor, but the minimum time would be closer to three to six weeks. Take more time if necessary. The more time you take, the better your feelings would be. But being a friend outwardly and secretly planning to get him is not a good game at all.

The other important thing is to examine whether winning this person back as a friend is even worth it. Sometimes, you may just end up with the one who isn’t a good friend in the long run. So think before you act.
(* Names have been changed.)

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