5th Column

Congratulations! You lied and survived
My Dear Tony,
I thought I might write to you firstly to congratulate you on your win at the British general election securing a historic third term for the Labour Party and secondly to get some advice on how to do it in a country such as ours.

Tony, they tell me that even though you won, your majority was significantly reduced and that this was because of you joining the Americans to go to war with Iraq. If only you had asked us earlier, we would have told you that the best option was not to go to war but to talk of a Joint Mechanism instead -- that would have guaranteed you a few more seats at least!

But Tony, you need to tell us how you deal with strikes and protests, especially when they are about selling off all the state-run enterprises. We tried calling it 'restructuring', but no one seems to buy that. Will it help if we just go ahead, no matter what, and let the protestors do whatever they want or should we say that we won't do it and then do it anyway on the sly?

I have also heard you have problems with allegations of corruption in the schools and strikes almost daily in the health services. We have tried to deal with the former and ignore the latter but now we are in a bigger mess. Do you have any suggestions in this regard, Tony? And don't tell me to sack the minister concerned because although I could do it for health, I couldn't do it for Education-and you know why!

Tony, I was told you were caught out by the media when you lied a couple of times during your premiership, which is why the newspapers there called you B. Liar instead of Blair. It is done here on a regular basis, and we get caught too. My reputation is in tatters as a result and no one believes what I say anymore. Tell me, Tony, how did you get around this problem of credibility?

Now that you have a reduced majority, I am told there is a group within your own government who call you names and protest against whatever you want to do. I have the same problem here and I tried baiting them with some Cabinet posts but it didn't work. Now I just ignore them and do what I want. In fact, I have asked them to leave and they haven't left, so maybe you could use that strategy too…

I've heard, Tony, that you too have problems with your No.2, that Gordon Brown who wants your job. You seem to think that appointing him as Finance Minister will settle the issue. I have the same problem here but what do I do to get rid of the man? I too just want a third term for myself and then they can do whatever they want. So, I would value your advice on just how I go about sidelining him…

Best wishes for your third term and I will drop by to see you next time I visit London.

Yours truly,
Satellite
PS- I heard your Opposition Leader Michael Howard has resigned after their defeat. Now, isn't that a great big advantage that I have? The chap here carries on as if nothing happened and I don't mind at all-why should I?

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