Attention,
all you guys…
By Everyday Girls
Last week we met an Iranian cum
English guy who was so perfect, he looked good in anything, spoke
so well, lovely eyes (hmmm… give us a second to dream) and
danced so well. He had the whole works. We were desperately trying
to look for a flaw and found none… so we settled for the fact
that he must be a serial killer. Because guys can’t be that
perfect, can they… or wait is it that we keep attracting the
wrong sorts?
We
have lived in this place for over twenty-one years… how many
perfect men have we bumped into? Zilch, none, zero… (this
is of course going by the fact that the Iranian is a serial killer).
So we always settle for the second best or sometimes lower down
the barrel… But wait! Why should we? We decided to get our
act together and create the perfect qualities. We did get a little
help from our network of friends.
11.
Cheesy one liners… No, thank you
Please spare us those textbook sayings: “Oh your
eyes are so beautiful, you complete me, and I miss you” (like
a million times, even after seeing each other a second ago). Grow
up will you… and do it fast. Here is what we don’t get,
how can you possibly miss someone after a space of a few seconds?
And all those cheesy lines… We have watched all those movies
and read all those books too. Maybe even more than you guys. You
like us… say it in plain English! Metaphors, don’t bother.
Because we aren’t going to be reacting to it, we will be busy
trying not to barf.
10.
Don’t be full of yourself
How good you are, you were, whatever… let us figure
it out for ourselves. We are happy for your achievements, but constantly
reminding us about it… no thank you. You aren’t scoring
any brownie points, it only makes us want to kill whoever gave you
all those praises. It might seem trivial but vanity is not a guy
thing… just leave it to us girls.
09.
Be intense
Okay, this is the cue for one of us to roll her eyes while
this is being written. (Having recovered we write on…) Basically
don’t be goofy, because it’s just plain annoying. We
might laugh with you at that point, but in our minds we are thinking,
“What the hell are we doing here with this clown?” Also,
it’s nice sometimes when you guys are lost in your own world
and we have to bring you back to earth. Talk passionately about
what you feel strongly about, it’s attractive.
08.
Don’t make us cry
We like when we get tears of laughter but you make us
sad… you shall pay. Not only will we dump you, we will spread
the word and everyone we know are going to hate you, forever! Trust
us, this is not a good thing. You will regret it. Because girls
gone bitchy is not good, since they can influence other girls and
guys as well. Basically it’s not that hard, just know your
girl. Know what upsets her… like talking about your ex or
maybe another girl who is following you like a lovesick puppy. Honestly
we don’t care…
07.
Look hot… at least try
If someone says looks don’t count… slap the
person. They are obviously lying. Okay, so not all of you are born
with the looks that’s okay, work on it. What do you think
all those gyms and barbers are there for? Use them… please
we beg you. Now remember, we don’t want those body builders
who look like they can squash us with a flick of their finger. Why
oh why do you need so many bumps on your body? By the way original
hairstyles are out… and hair-defying gravity only worked for
Cameron Diaz (Okay, for those of you who don’t get this, watch
Something About Mary and get back to this part).
06.
Good dress sense
This is the part where we really look into at least more
or less what they wear. We certainly don’t want them looking
really weird or like flower boys for that matter. Let us explain
this… one guy once turned up at a popular pub wearing a shirt
with embroidered flowers all over… on his sleeves, on the
back, on the front. We tell you it can be Diesel, it can be Gucci
but having flowers is just so wrong. Why give one more reason for
people to have another drink? We tell you it is wrong. Trust us,
flowers are not the thing and standing beside us on this one, are
all our ‘traumatised’ friends. We are not asking for
much, just stay away from the flowers, oh yes, and the tight t-shirts
and turtlenecks. You cannot get away with these things, only models
and super stars can. So stick to normal clothes. Guys… what
you wear counts!
05.
You have to have the moves
We are all not that old so we love going partying. Which
means invariably we will be dancing. Please don’t sit in a
corner and smoke your life away, because we tell you, we will abandon
you and dance with someone else… and maybe get hooked up with
him. By the way, break dancing is not considered dancing…
please just either leave it or do it in the privacy of the room.
At no point dance with pillars, speakers, band members, alone or…
with other boys (look where it got MJ) If you think we are going
to sit by you through a court case… you are so wrong. Anyway
there is a saying, “Watch a man dance and you’ll know
what he is capable of.” So, you got to show off your dancing
capabilities and please let the rhythm guide you.
04.
Have some humour and wit
Finally something that is not difficult. Even a little
is enough. In our books if you can’t laugh you might as well
be dead, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep reciting e-mail
jokes. Trust us, those are not funny, please spare us. Don’t
be the one laughing loudest at your own jokes. You shall and will
look like a real idiot. If it’s good, even those off hand
one liners are enough to impress us. Oh, and while we are on the
subject, never laugh at us, with others or alone. We might laugh
with you at that point, but in our minds we are plotting revenge.
Do it often and it’s good bye to you.
03.
Intelligence… hmm
Surprisingly not many people came up with this. We don’t
need PhDs or double degrees. We just need basic common sense. After
much thought we realised that after a while looks and all those
other things will give way and we don’t want to be stuck with
someone who has little or nothing up there. Unless of course you
look like and continue to look like Ashton Kutcher for the rest
of your life!
02.
Do not, you will not, you dare not CHEAT
We don’t care if your
life depended on it, if her life depended on it, or whatever sorry
story you come up with… you cheat on us, we will not take
it well. Wait, let us rephrase it, we will dump you and dump you
so fast your head will spin. If you are foolish enough to think
we won’t find out about it… think again. We WILL find
out about it, and sometimes from your own friends… Will we
forgive you? Yes, maybe depends on the extent of it. But the forgetting
part… we don’t think so. So you better not depend on
the whole forgive and forget part of it. Will we take you back when
things go wrong? Do we look stupid… if you went looking for
greener pastures, then stick to it and good luck.
01.
Let us breathe… be a bit open minded
We are going to sound like women’s activists now,
but just read this. If we are going out with you that means we do
like you, but we don’t want to show it 24/7. Give us some
time to hang out with our friends, because they were there for us
before you came along and under no circumstances do we want to drop
them like hot potatoes. Don’t suffocate us… and all
those guy friends we have are JUST friends. Don’t be threatened,
jealous, plot to have them beaten up or make them an excuse for
a fight with us. We click with them because we have known them for
so long, and no we do not have some unprofessed love for them. If
we did, trust us we will definitely be going out with them and not
you. |
