5th Column

Rugby World Cup finals show revealed Johnny
My Dear Johnny Howard,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you had called our world record breaking bowler Murali a 'chucker'. I know much has been written about the issue since then but even then I thought I should write to you because you seem to know everything about cricket although your knowledge of the game can be accommodated on the back of the postage stamp we are issuing to honour Murali…

Surely Johnny, what you wanted to say was that cricket is a white man's game and that all the game's records should be held by white people? It is bad enough for the record for the highest number of wickets to be held by a West Indian but it is much worse for someone from a little known third world country to take the crown when your own Shane Warne is in hot pursuit, isn't it?

They say this Murali chap has got an unusual elbow and wrist, so why should he be allowed to continue in the game, you would be thinking Johnny. Go ahead Johnny, may be you can also lead a campaign to ban all those black basketball players in the United States who are over six feet tall!

And why is it that you chaps in the western media always refer to Murali as the "son of a biscuit manufacturer", Johnny? Do we know whose son Shane Warne is? Ah, pardon me, we do- he is the son of an illegal steroid distributor, or so he himself said. Remember that "mummy gave me the pills" excuse he offered when he was caught taking a banned drug? So, don't despair Johnny, Shane will still have at least one world record-of being the first cricketer banned for illegal drug use!

Please do understand our plight, Johnny. We too would like to break a record every once in a while and grab the headlines. I know Shane Warne always grabs the headlines, whether it be by sending obscene phone messages to British nurses, harassing South African women, taking money in return for information about cricket matches or even taking a few wickets. Murali unfortunately is not familiar with these other ways of making news and does so only by taking wickets. So spare a thought for little Murali, will you, Johnny?

We can also understand your distress and why you called Murali a chucker Johnny, because umpires are no longer allowed to call anyone during a game. But tell me, Johnny why is it that only Australian umpires have called Murali? And why is it that among them, Ross Emerson was found to be on "stress leave" from his job when he called Murali and Steve Randell was later convicted of child molesting? Of course, Johnny, they are not racist or biased are they?

Honestly, Johnny, I am not at all surprised that you said what you said. We saw you at the recent Rugby World Cup finals where England beat Australia and what did you do? You literally threw the medals at the Englishmen and stomped off without a smile or a handshake. Now, if that is how you treat your colonial masters, what can we expect?

But Johnny, we do understand your plight, coming as you are from a country with no culture. Maybe you want to treat Murali the same way you treat the aborigines-by not giving them what is rightfully theirs even though you pretend to be great advocates of justice and fairplay. But then, what else can you expect from the leader of a country that began as a penal colony? So, don't worry Johnny, we won't hold it against you because we know that when you called Murali a chucker, you must have had the courage of your convictions!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS-But please don't expect to see Murali on tour in Australia, Johnny. You'd like to have him there not to see him spinning his magic but to crucify him in the media and then try and get him banned from the game. Unfortunately, that will not happen now because of what you said, Johnny…

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