5th Column

In this season of giving, give all something, except Velu
My Dear Santa,
I'm quite sure you must be getting a lot of mail these days asking for gifts but I thought I must still write to you because there are a lot of people who require particular presents that you may not be aware of.

You could start by giving back Tilak, John and Imtiaz their portfolios which were so unkindly taken away by Satellite. But remember, don't include a portfolio called "National Security" in the gift pack.

For Wee Wee and Tilvin, you must surely give them a Christmas present of a partnership with the blues because that is what they have been pleading for in the past several months, although Satellite is cleverly dangling this carrot and keeping them waiting as she always does.

And if you are giving them that, there is also no need to give a present to the Clown Prince because this alliance is what he too is dreaming of-among other things- this Christmas.

There should also be a Christmas present for poor Kadi who was taken for a ride by the Commonwealth. But do make sure that his gift is not another international appointment-we don't want the world's gain to be Sri Lanka's loss…

There should be no Christmas presents though for the new heads of the state media institutions for whom Christmas came early when Satellite appointed them to their jobs. But if you really feel sorry for them, Santa you could provide their institutions with government advertisements, only because it is the right thing to do.

Another person who certainly could do with a Christmas present is our cricket boss and you could help him with something to take the heat off him-perhaps an all expenses paid trip to England might help?

And speaking of cricket, I believe our cricketers too could do with a Christmas present, that of a win over the Englishmen because they have always been so near yet so far away from this elusive goal but of course you will have to do something magical with Hashan to achieve that!

As for Green Man, he could do with quite a few Christmas presents: Could you teach him a trick or two to get rid of cabinet ministers who assault officials, MPs who follow that example and of course he would be very happy to get the biggest gift of all: how to get rid of you-know-who!

As for Satellite herself, how she would like to have an excuse to get rid of this Mano-Malik nonsense, grab all the portfolios for herself and get rid of all the Greens pestering her at cabinet meetings. But you are not going to give her that just yet, are you Santa? But, is it true that your gift to her will be an election?

But as for the average citizen Santa, there isn't much you could offer, is there? They've already had their pay hike and they have to endure watching the various antics of the politicians. Do you have any suggestions for them, Santa-I don't, except to do what the government does: organize more cricket tours so that the people forget everything else!

Yours truly
Punchi Putha
PS- Santa, just make sure Velu gets nothing too. He's now got virtually everything he wants and if you are not very careful he may even invite you to his hideout, like he has done for so many famous people. If he does that you wouldn't accept the invitation Santa, or would you, like everyone else?

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