5th Column

Holding a fair poll could see out sooner than going to courts
My Dear Dayananda,
I thought I must write to you when I heard that you had filed a case against the government because it was stopping you from resigning! Dayananda, I must say that I had a lot of respect for you until now, but now I believe you are being very selfish, complaining that you have had a half-dozen heart attacks and therefore should be allowed to leave your job.

Don't you understand, Dayananda, that most people in our country are being forced to stay on in their jobs? Take Satellite for instance. She promised many years ago that not only would she leave her job, she would abolish her position too. But can the good lady do so? Of course, not. If she resigns, who will be there to give orders to the Navy to sink Tiger ships? And who will issue periodic statements about protecting the country from the Greens and the Tigers? And the good lady is soldiering on for the sake of her country, despite losing an eye - and here you are complaining about a few heart attacks!

And do you think the Green Man wants to be in his job? Everyone is blaming everything on him, aren't they? Satellite is blaming him, Balasingham is calling him names and the people are blaming him for selling the country, just so he could vie for the Nobel Peace Prize. I am sure he wants to resign, but if he did, do you think that would prevent the Tiger pistol gangs getting at him?

Then there is Long John who must surely want to resign, after being accused of every possible misdeed. I am sure he too wants to resign but then if he did that he couldn't be sure that these gangs which walk around killing Provincial Councillors would spare him, could he?

And do you believe, Dayananda, that dear Rauff enjoys being the leader of a faction of a party where most members are not on talking terms with him? I am sure there would be widespread celebrations if he were to resign, but then he too has to go on because, as he says, he has to complete his late leader's mission.

Then, more North, I am sure the members of the TNA would dearly like to resign than be remote-controlled mouthpieces for the peace-loving Tigers. But we all know what their fate would be if they resigned, don't we?

Even in the extremes of the South, I am sure Tilvin and Wimal would resign rather than align themselves with the likes of the Crown Prince and Nimal. But of course, they too cannot resign because they have realized after thirty years that they will never be able to form a government on their own.

And last, but certainly not the least, I am sure even Velu wants to resign and spend the rest of his life in luxurious retirement, using all the money extorted from his expatriate brethren over the years rather than meet Norwegians for breakfast, Americans for lunch and Japanese for dinner and pretend all along that he is a peaceful man. But then he too has a price on his head and India on his trail, so he can't resign either, can he?

So, Dayananda, think about it. Don't try to resign but if you are really in need of avoiding responsibility, do what the General does and complain of chest pains and get admitted to hospital, will you? You can do that whenever something embarrassing comes up but at other times - for instance, when you want to attend a conference or convention - you can say you are hale and hearty!

Yours truly,
Punchi Putha
PS- And if you really want to get rid of your job, why don't you make it clear to everyone - greens, blues and reds- that you will indeed hold free and fair elections when they are due next. Make sure that will happen and I assure you they will get rid of you before you can say 'Udathalawinna'!

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