Thoughts from London

Carry on Minister Moragoda, please do

The Hon Milinda Moragoda
Dear Minister,
The other day I read in one of our newspapers that you are proposing compulsory conscription to the Sri Lankan armed services. When asked to confirm the truth of this story that was floating around, you are reported to have said -with genuine conviction no doubt- that the idea is a "great social leveller and whether there is war or peace, conscription is necessary".

Unable to contain myself on hearing of this innovative approach I screamed out in delight and ran into the garden.

Unnerved by the sudden noise and a half naked fakir rushing out into the near sub-zero temperature, my neighbour's cat that was lolling around meeowed loudly and bolted into the nearby shrubbery sending all the snow cascading on to the bushes.

Equally disturbed by my unusual behaviour my neighbour telephoned 9999, the RSPCA, the National Health Service (which is of little use in emergencies seeing that its waiting list is longer than Moratuwa fellows waiting to go abroad), Tony Blair's spin doctor and British gas.

A rumour that she also sent for a supporter of Osama bin Laden with a can full of a weapon of mass destruction was totally denied- by my neighbour not by Osama.

Anyway within five minutes three men turned up ( must be a record for modern Britain) one in police uniform and another carrying a decidedly evil looking weapon and a cage hardly enough to swing a cat in- though heaven only knows why anybody would want to swing a cat.

This was certainly not the road to Damascus- not even to Baghdad- but they looked like three men who had suddenly got wise. Upon inquiring about the state of my mental health I persuaded them enough into accepting my diagnosis of my mental health. There is nothing wrong, I pleaded, except that I got carried away with the idea of total conscription in Sri Lanka.

At which all three turned a rather sickly hue and wanted to carry me away- in a strait jacket.

When I implored that the idea was not mine at all but that of one of the finest minds in Sri Lanka comparable with that of George W. Bush, they looked me in the eye for a full five minutes before accepting that I could never have conceived of such brilliance that would have done justice only to Attila the Hun.

Had they not realised that such an idea could only emanate from a 1000 carat intellect with the combined brain power of Rasputin, Marx (Karl not Groucho) and Superman, I would have probably ended up in Guantanamo Bay camp, President Bush's version of Belsen.

Since the dawn of civilisation, Man- and Woman too, I hasten to add in case some disputatious gender-vendor takes umbrage- have constantly added to the storehouse of human knowledge.

Great thinkers, inventors and sundry others have galvanised society with their profound works and consequently civilisation has taken a quantum leap. From Aristotle to Chomsky, from Mao to MacDonald, from Sun Sze to Carl von Clausewitz an endless stream of thought has ennobled mankind.

Our own little island named Sri Lanka, and sometimes called Eelam by those whose history is worse than their geography, have had its own contributors to human progress- from King Kekilla to Anderay.

And here we see the true functioning of socialism, of the equality of Man, of human rights, where a court jester could contribute to society's well being as much as a King.
All this time, Minister, capitalist builders who want to revive New York's twin towers or build a presidential palace in Colombo, thought the bulldozer was the great leveller.

But as you have so rightly said the great social leveller is conscription and you have shown that one need not be a king or a clown to come up with such breathtaking ideas.

You say "there is a perception that the rich want to be armchair critics while the poor are called to fight their battles". That is indeed a perceptive observation worthy of a place next to George W. Bush's celebrated remark that most of the goods imported to the US is from outside the great United States of America.

What I cannot understand Minister, is this. How is it that during your frequent trips to the US and your open invitation to Washington to take over the leadership of the world, that President Bush has not offered you a job at the White House so that you can sit side by side and think together.

Come to think of it, you can rule the world, never mind the rules. What with Condy Rice, Don Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney you have a team that could give Saddam, Osama and Kim Jong-il a run for their money.

But I implore you don't go. It will be Sri Lanka's loss. I mean what will Ranil do without you. See what a great team you make- Pandit Peiris going Down Under to brief the descendents of petty criminals you going West to show Sri Lanka on the world map to Bush the Second and our Tyronne coming to the London School of Economics to teach the Brits about the peace process. I think conscription is a very good idea and it should start by rounding up the progeny of politicians and high-ranking officials. After all, in recent years the public has been aware of the propensity for the sons of ministers and politicians to join in battle, turning five-star hotels and nightclubs into the bloody fields of Philippi.

With their experience in fisticuffs and their minder's antics with automatic weapons and pistols, these sons have acquired enough fighting spirit to be the first recruits under your wonderful scheme.

Talking of armchair critics and the rich doing little, it might be more convincing if all those holding political office form their own brigade. With a cabinet the size of a platoon, all one needs to do is conscript all ministers with and without portfolios, ministers without work, deputy ministers, assistants to ministers, ministers to assistants, Pradeshiya Sabha presidents and other assorted types of political thugs and form a separate brigade- not a Barmy Army but a Balmy Army so it can soothe the hurt feelings of their wives, daughters and others.

I read somewhere Minister Moragoda that though the fighting has stopped, soldiers are still deserting in droves. So when there is total conscription there will be more trained and armed men to desert the ranks and join criminal gangs, enter politics or become the pistol packing papas of political pups.

By the way, Minister, I suppose your conscription scheme would apply to the whole country. I mean you cannot go around legislating for some and not others.If so, then Prabha Anna's cadres, supporters and suicide squads will also have to be conscripted, no?Surely Prabha anna won't mind. After all he will have his army trained for summa and will know all the tactics and manoeuvres of the enemy.Minister Sir, did you ever have a chance of reading Homer- I mean Iliad and the like. You must have at least heard of the Trojan Horse.

You know Minister when they dipped Achilles in the River Styx, they held him by the heel. That is where he was ultimately vulnerable. It so happens that some are vulnerable at the opposite end.

But never you mind Minister, you just carry on. Some day the public will realise that your ideas should not be tossed aside lightly. They should be thrown away with great force.

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