Elections in July

March 21st, Colombo - The StageLight

&Magic Inc., elections office announced the elections for Animal Farm to be conducted in July 2002. The SLM Elections Commissioner Feroze Kamardeen speaking to a packed gathering of news personnel spelled out the general plans for this election to be held to determine the new rulers of Animal Farm.

Originally owned by Mr. George Orwell, Animal Farm has been ruled by Farmer Jones for many years. Over the years Farmer Jones has been growing increasingly dictatorial and as a result, the Animal Party led by Old Major (a respected stud boar) has been clamouring for democracy, subsequent to which the SLM elections office has decided to conduct this election. The first of its' kind to be held in the farm, the elections promise to be a closely fought battle between the Human Party (the ruling party) and the Animal Party (the opposition).

Introducing the rest of the distinguished persons at the press conference, Commissioner Feroze appealed to all peace loving members of the farm to help make this election a free and fair one. Deputy Elections Commissioner Jehan Bastians said "This is an important turning point in the history of the farm and we will not tolerate anyone trying to rig the ballot boxes." Independent international observer Mr. Mohamed Adamaly speaking on the occasion said that he will be keeping a close tab on the polling booths and will provide commentaries while the election is in progress. Several well-known actors and singers are already campaigning on behalf of the candidates, and popular rock band Krebs Cycle are coming up with music specially designed to keep the voters happy on polling day.

A full list of the candidates, voters, singers and observers will be published shortly. Security for the candidates, voters and other animals involved in the election will be provided by the Animal Farm Police Force (comprising four huge guard dogs and one cocker spaniel).

Also present at the news conference were Mr. Snowball, Mr. Squealer, Mr. Napoleon and several young pigs from the Animal Party. In an effort to obtain some cheap publicity Mr. Squealer displayed several hams to the audience claiming that they were victims of Farmer Jones' cruel regime. "The suppression of animals has gone on for long enough and after learning Old Major's doctrine, all animals fully support the Animal Party," Mr. Squealer said. Predicting victory, he added that any attempt to postpone the elections or rig them in any way would be met with force.

Animal Farm has been in the news lately since production has reached an all-time low and with the economy taking a turn for the worse. Farmer Jones' track record in leading the farm has been met with severe criticism from the international community as well as the animals on the farm.

Farmer Jones' poor vision for the farm, coupled with a recent bout of alcoholism has been cited as major reasons for his increasingly poor management skills.

The candidates for this election also filed in their nomination papers at the elections secretariat on this day.

They were later seen hovering around a leading bank in the city trying to deposit the campaign contributions they have received. Several leading organizations have come forward to support the candidates during this election. Sinwa shoes have donated shiny pairs of shoes for the candidates to woo their voters, while Dialog GSM, the premier mobile communication company donated new mobiles to all the candidates for their campaign work. Some candidates were spotted discussing the latest election fashion trends with Ms. Sonali White of the Haddai Label.

It is rumoured that the Haddai label will put out an Election-Line fashion collection especially for the Animal Farm polls. At least four of the candidates were seen near the National Lotteries Board buying lottery tickets in an attempt to beef up their campaign funds while others were busy looking at new cars in view of an impending victory. "The candidates will also be allotted airtime on YES FM, the official radio station and equal coverage in The Sunday Times, the official newspaper for this election," said Commissioner Feroze.

Dy. Commissioner Bastians said, "Elections would be held at the Lionel Wendt polling booth in July 2002 and ballot papers would be made available at that polling booth only."

"Ballot papers will be made available to the public only in June 2002 in order to prevent any form of election malpractice," he added.

Interestingly, Commissioner Feroze had a run in with the law last year when he was accused of Bombarding the Bard with a stage play by the name of "The Compleat wrks of Wllm Shkspr".

His two accomplices in that crime, Mr. Ifaz Bin Jameel and Mr. Anuruddha Fernando are still serving sentences for the appalling attack carried out on the Bard of Avon in September and October last year.

It is rumoured that Commissioner Feroze, with the help of Independent Observer Adam escaped the authorities and got himself appointed to conduct the Animal Farm elections.

The meeting adjourned rather hastily when an over-excited Mr. Squealer threw a ham at a representative from the Human Party.

All parties interested in knowing more about the elections are advised to send a mail to slm_animal_farm@hotmail.com