'If you do this, I'll give you that '

You have just served lunch and your four-year-old is eyeing it with dismay. He's complaining of the yellow pool of parippu, the mountain of gotukola and questions your decision to cook the karavila rather than fry it, obviously nutrition beyond the comprehension of his small mind. 

The lunch remains untouched and no amount of coaxing on your part will persuade him to take a mouthful. You tell him of all the poor children on the street who have nothing to eat and that he should be thankful: no luck.

In exasperation, you add, "If you eat your lunch, I'll give you chocolate ice cream for dessert." Hey presto, his eyes light up and soon the lunch disappears. 

"I think every mother at some point resorts to bribing her kids," says working mother Ms. N. Wickremasinghe,who has two 'little rascals' aged two and six. 

Returning exhausted after a hard day's work and then having to be behind the boys getting them to brush their teeth, take a shower and go to bed while she is trying to do the dishes and clear up the mess, can be taxing. 

"Offering that rubber ball, chocolate or pencil, in return for getting them to do as you wish seems like the only sane thing to do. Thankfully they demand small things," she says. However there have been times she has forgotten to get the promised object, prompting her elder son to say, "Amma hariyata boru kiyanawa" (Mother tells a lot of lies).

Though the bribing strategy works in the short term, Ms. Wickremasinghe wishes she was not so dependent on the 'incentives' to get her kids to obey her. On principle, she strongly opposes being too harsh with them physically and finds bribing an ideal 'no pain but much gain' method (gain on her part). 

Busy mum and Montessori teacher, Mrs. C. Edrisinghe finds a vast disparity between her two roles. While at school she cannot shout or hit or offer any incentives to motivate a child, at home she confesses, she often resorts to such action.

There is a difference between her child at home and the children at school, she points out.

"At home they can be demanding and throw tantrums, but in school they are more obedient and conscientious." 

Mrs. Edrisinghe feels that how you handle a child depends mostly on the situation. She doesn't advocate the method of using bribes but agrees that it works. 

So, are parents justified in offering small bribes to their children? Would this affect their personality development in the long run? The approach is actually self-defeating, says Counsellor Priya Kodippily.

"I don't think you should motivate a child to do something by offering him a bribe. For instance, if you were to tell a child that 'if he did his homework he could go swimming' it would only motivate him to work towards the immediate goal and seldom inspire him to continue doing his homework, day after day. 

"Further, we are also telling the child that we doubt his ability to achieve the task at hand without an incentive," she said. 

"Often parents give in to their children's demands so that they can get whatever they want done and done quickly, with minimum hassle."

This practice of offering something in exchange for good behaviour can lead to long term blackmail and bargaining, she points out. Worse still, the child grows up expecting 'something' in return for whatever he does. This could later lead to problems at the work-place, in relationships and in society at large. Worse still, as adults, they too will resort to giving bribes or incentives to get things done as this has been the norm throughout their lives. 

Instead Mrs. Kodipilly advocates the approach of offering the child a choice. In the case of the child clamouring to watch TV, tell him 'either you watch TV after completing your homework or you don't do your homework and also not watch TV at all. The choice gives the child independence and responsibility and teaches him that he has to be accountable for the choice he makes. 

But she warns that sometimes parents have to accept the choice made by the child; in this case, even if it means him not doing the homework. It would be disastrous if the parent goes back on his word and states that "if you were to do this I will give you that". Because then the child gets the impression that one way or the other, he gets his own way. 

By giving the child a choice, he learns that if he wants something he has to earn it. Soon he will opt for doing the homework and watching TV, rather than not doing it and missing out on all the programmes he enjoys. 

Compromising occasionally is ok, she says. "For instance if the child insists on going out to play, you can tell him he can either clean his room and go out to play for two hours or go out to play now, and be back in half an hour because he has to clean his room." 

Mrs. Kodippily feels it is imperative that parents discuss with the child the importance of doing what's right, be it taking his medicine, eating his greens or brushing his teeth at night or why he needs to do well at exams. It's often good to talk about the pros and cons of an action, for then the child understands better why he should be doing what he ought to. 

Surprising a child with a reward once in a while is all right, she says, because in this case, the child has not worked with the hope of a reward in return. Thus the reward serves as appreciation or recognition of an accomplishment and not a bribe. 

So the next time you are tempted to offer that chocolate or ice-cream to your stubborn offspring, stop and think a while.