INDUMA

By Punyakante Wijenaike

I keep a diary. I write down daily my feelings about life and its futility. No one can read how I feel about life because I keep it hidden. No one knows the real me for I live with a mask on my face. No one sees how I endure life, day after day, knowing its futility. 

Outwardly I try to please everyone, make everyone believe I am happy. I try to be obedient to my parents, my teachers. No, no, there is nothing really wrong with me except that I see only the dark side of life, not its brightness. I am a moon constantly behind a cloud. 

My Amma complains I am too quiet for my age, too quiet in the house. She never knows whether I am in the house or outside it. When she speaks like this I help her scrape a coconut, pound the rice into flour to make string-hoppers for father. 

I love my father. He never complains about me. He is a retired farmer who spends his time now on the hansi putuwa staring vacantly into space. Father cannot read or write.

'Thatha, can I make you a cup of tea?' 

'Ah, make it duwa.' 

I feel sorry for Malli sitting evening after evening with his books, cramming for his O'Level exam. 

He is studying hard by lamplight with his head in his hands.

I use to be like that, studying hard for the A'Level last year. Only I failed to get sufficient marks to get me into the University. No one saw my silent tears. Only my diary. I smudged a number of pages crying into it. Amma and Thatha had been sad and I saw sympathy in Malli's face. Now I feel sympathy for him. I know he fears he may not do well.

At such moments I think: 'Why all this struggling for a life which can end any moment?' But I do not tell even Malli my real feelings. He must try, He MUST pass. He must live.

I have begun studying computers and learning English. Only the whole process is so mechanical. There is no feeling here either. I have made no friends. Even among those my own age I remain isolated in feeling and thought. What is wrong with me? I can only exchange a smile here and there, some surface talk, no more. Once a boy kept looking my way. I kept looking away from him.

In between these classes, twice a week, I help out in the old doctor's dispensary doing voluntary service. Here I come alive.

Here I am in touch with reality. I see the suffering of the young, the ache of old age, even death. My heart goes out to each sufferer. I talk, I put my arms round many, try to help if only for a brief while.

I carry a crying child, soothe a weeping mother. I am no longer the barrier that cannot be crossed. They all like me here, turn to me for help. They sense my empathy with their suffering. Here I see reality. The very dregs of humanity. After all the learning and the struggling life ends here... 

Why did my parents give me birth? Set my feet on uncertain ground? Why did they gift me with life and its empty meaning? 

'How are you today duwa?'

'I'm fine Amma.'

'I'm fine Amma.'

'I'm fine Amma.' 

When I speak these lines she is consoled. Father sits every night staring at fireflies. 

I go near a child who was crying for its mother. When I come near, the child is dead. I carry the dead child to the old doctor who nods his head sadly. There is nothing more he could have done. I go home. Today the sky is very dark. No moon, not even stars. Just dark clouds with a growl of thunder in the distance.

'It is going to rain,' Amma says blandly.

I know it is going to rain.

It is my nineteenth birthday today. My amma gives me two gold bangles for my hands. My hands that had carried a dead child only moments ago. I give the bangles back to her.

'I value my hands without gold on them.'

I tell her next: 'Amma, on my birthday, please write this house in Malli's name.'

My poor mother is gaping at me. 'What is wrong with you? You are the daughter, you must have the house.'

'Leave it to Malli,' I plead. I go out of the house and into the darkness of the night. I take my diary with me.

'It is going to rain,' Amma shouts 'come back into the house. Come and taste some kiributh on your birthday.' I run deeper into the night. She is still calling after me.

'I can't see you duwa. You wear such sober clothes. At least come back, wear a bright frock and taste some kiributh. Today is your nineteenth birthday!'

I can see Malli's head still bent over his books. I can see father still sitting and gazing into the night. I go behind a bush. 

Lightning lights up the night sky splitting it in two. I am not the Buddha seeking salvation. 

I am seeking escape from the meaninglessness of life. I douse myself with kerosene. I douse the diary with kerosene.

I'm reacting, at last, to something unacceptable, something nobody understands. I am turning to death because I can no longer trust life. Then I hear Malli's voice calling me, calling me. And I cannot strike the match.

Together through thick and thin

The manager of Hear'Say - Chris Herbert later confirmed Suzanne had made a full recovery.

In another story involving Noel Sullivan of Hear'Say it is reported that one of his male friends has complained to the Press Complaints Commission after the UK tabloid The News of The World published a picture taken before Noel became a member of Hear'Say working in a nightclub in Ibiza.

Geri Halliwell's 'It's Raining Men' topped the UK singles chart this week. The song featured on the soundtrack of the film "The Bridget Jones Diary", is Geri's 4th No:1 song in the UK. The ex-Spice Girl's previous chart topping songs were 'Mi Chico Latino', 'Lift Me Up' and 'Bag It Up'. All her songs are also featured on her debut solo album 'Schizophonic'.

The current hit 'It's Raining Men' is of course a cover version of the US female duo the Weather Girls. The original version peaked at No:2 in 1984. The video to Geri Halliwell's single features extracts from the film "The Bridget Jones Diary" - coupled with scenes of the singer doing her stuff. The video is also based on a combination of "Footloose" and "Fame" - both huge musicals. It does bring back memories of the debut Spice Girls video Wannabe'.

Geri meanwhile displaced S Club 7's single 'Don't Stop Movin' from the No:1 spot. The song was the 7 piece act's 2nd No:1 at home, the first being 'Bring It All Back' - back in June 1999. 'Don't Stop Movin' is very similar to a Seventies disco track. Someone did mention the other day - 'Don't Stop Movin' sounded like Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean'.

Jennifer Lopez entered the chart at No:3 with 'Play' her new single. The track is taken from her album 'J-Lo'. It is unlikely the song is going to progress on the chart (90% of the songs don't these days). 

It would not repeat the success of the previous single 'Love Don't Cost A Thing' which went to the top of the chart in January this year. 

'Play' though it appears to be a soul track lacks feeling. However the video according to analysts is good.

The new REM single 'Imita -tion of Live' entered the charts at No:6. A week earlier the band performed at London's Trafalgar Square at a Thank You Concert by the people of South Africa.

The new REM track can be a bit boring at the beginning but if you care to listen to the track it grows on you. This is classic REM.

Sir Paul McCartney has taken responsibility for the break-up of the Beatles. Sir Paul made comments about the split-up in an interview for a documentary called Wingspan which will be broadcast in the US in the week ahead. He decided to walk out of the Beatles after he felt his ideas were being ignored. It was the hardest decision he had to make. But he added "in truth it doesn't matter who broke the Beatles up." 

"The Beatles were ready to break up. Looking back on it you can see there's no way we could survive." Sir Paul also said the Lennon - Yoko Ono relationship was another factor while the other reason was the hiring of a business manager from the US which Paul could not stand. The American was brought in after the death of Brian Epstein.

Meanwhile Sir Paul is due to release a new album later this year.

Fleetwood Mac star Stevie Nicks is to appear in the next Destiny's Child video it was announced on Monday. It is likely to follow the trio's current chart busting single 'Survivor'.

Bonzi pops in

'Bonzi Buddy' is primarily an Internet search-engine and download manager, but it offers a whole lot more. Bonzi can talk, sing, walk about and even joke, but I must warn you that its jokes are not always in the best of taste. Bonzi's more practical features include the search-engine, browser, email and download managers, but it is even capable of comparing the prices of items you want to buy over the Internet. The best thing about 'Bonzi" is that it is an interactive software and it also learns from you.

Even though Internet explorer and Netscape are superior browsers, 'Bonzi' is an effective download manager that compares well with 'DAP' and 'Go!Zilla'. The search is also pretty comprehensive but there is room to improve its efficiency. The email feature allows you to 'virtually hug and kiss' the recipients of your mail, though I am not so sure how many of you would actually want to do that, but it should come in handy when sending birthday wishes and... oh yes, on Valentine's day. 

A smart software that learns what your likes and dislikes are and keeps you up-to-date about your interests, Bonzi though, can sometimes invade your privacy. But then you could always turn it off.

'Bonzi' is a great task and appointment manager because it can actually talk and remind you of all your appointments. It also has the ability to read out typed documents. You can sit back and listen while all your emails are read to you. Every now and then, it will come up with a suggestion or a joke and occasionally amazing facts as well.

One of its drawbacks is that it takes ages to download. This is mainly due to the slow connection speeds we have - the download can take anything between one to three hours. The other minus point is that it causes some systems to be unstable, but the degree of the instability seems to vary according to the system and the other software you have. 

Apart from causing Windows to crash more often than usual, Bonzi also makes starting up and shutting down the computer a far more complex task. But that is my personal experience and some of my friends use it with no such complications. 

Lastly, you may find 'Bonzi' barging in every time you start the computer. Then you could simply take it off the startup folder in the programs menu.

What is offered for free is a basic form of the software but it includes all the features mentioned above. However 'Bonzi Buddy' doesn't stop there. 

There are many more features such as a speech plug-in and so on but they come at a certain price. 

The word of warning here is that even though bonzi.com is a reputed web site, one of my friends who ventured to install a $15 plug-in from the web site lost both the plug-in and the money when she was disconnected from the Internet half way through the download. 

So keep this also in mind when you enter the amazing world of the "Bonzi Buddy".

A virtual three dimensional world

'The Virtual Theatre project' aims to provide a multimedia environment in which users can play all of the creative roles associated with producing and performing plays and stories in an improvisational theatre company. The roles include producer, playwright, casting director, set designer, music director, real-time director, and actor. Intelligent agents fill roles not assumed by the user. In a typical production, animated actors perform in a multi-media set, all under the supervision of an automated stage or story manager. Actors can bring "life-like" qualities to their performances by improvising as they see fit. Thus, users enjoy the combined pleasures of seeing their own works performed and being surprised by the performances of their actors. 

In addition to its primary merits as a test bed for important research issues in artificial intelligence, the Virtual Theatre offers attractive opportunities for interdisciplinary collaboration and for addressing important social, educational, and commercial objectives. 

With advancements in research and the technology involved, the next step will be to create different virtual environments such as gardens, offices and wildlife parks where users can do office work or just relax in a virtual environment on the Internet. It may reduce the need for office space and obliterate traffic jams, but most of all it will be a very exciting thing to do at least for a few months.

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