Abortion: the conflict continues

By Tania Fernando

Making decisions is never easy, more so if that decision might be against our conscience and probably leave us guilty for the rest of our lives. Abortion is a dreaded word in our society, where the termination of a pregnancy is illegal. Yet abortions are performed every day, often at risk to the mother's life. But the health risk notwithstanding, it is the emotional trauma that follows that many young women, faced with this agonising decision, are ill-equipped to deal with.

For Nishani, 26 now, - her sorrow at having an abortion will never be erased from her mind. When she was 24 she found out that she was pregnant by her boyfriend Rohan. They were both at the cross-roads not knowing what to do. While she was reluctant to go against her conscience and abort the baby, the thought of facing her family and telling them the truth seemed even scarier.

After a lot of discussion and thought, they decided that she should have an abortion. She managed to find a doctor who was willing to do it for a sum of about Rs. 10,000.

"Till the last minute we could not decide what to do. I was just too scared to face my parents and tell them the truth. When I look back I wonder whether they would have understood, but it's too late now," she said.

Although it happened years ago, the memory still brings tears to Nishani's eyes. "I still wonder whether I made the right decision, and the guilt I feel, just can't be explained." 

The doctor had questioned her, and she had to lie telling him that she was married. He had asked her to think it over and come back to see him. "But there was nothing to think about, it had to done." 

"Finally when the day dawned and we went to this place, all I could do was sit there thinking that it was going to be the end. I was sure that I was going to die. Maybe death would have been better than the guilt I feel," she said, forlornly. "Rohan and a friend who was with us had to keep asking the staff whether it was safe. It probably sounded really silly to them. They insisted it was just a 'few minutes job', but to me it was a few minutes job which was going to leave a permanent scar on my life."

Ramani, Nishani's friend who stood by her at that time of trauma said that she was scared, but had to put on a brave front. "As Nishani and Rohan were with such gloomy faces, I had to stay sane for their sakes."

"I was so touched when I saw Rohan crying with Nishani. All I wanted to do was cry too, but I had to be strong for them," Ramani said.

She also said that when they wheeled Nishani out of the theater she was unconscious and that really terrified her. "There were others who were regaining consiousness and leaving, but she was not coming around and all I was thinking was if something had gone wrong, what explanation was I going to give her parents." 

Said Nishani, "when the doctor took me inside I was determined to stay conscious to find out what actually happens, but all I know is that after about one hour I was groggy and regaining consciousness. I just sat there crying for another one hour at least. I think the staff were totally shocked at my behaviour." That was the only thought that actually brought a smile to her face. 

"The next few days were very emotional. Everything would make me cry. On that day I cried so much and so did Rohan. He promised never to hurt me again, but I guess promises are meant to be broken," said Nishani overwhelmed with sadness.

"I am still unable to get over the whole episode, and I keep questioning myself whether he feels the same and if the guilt might be less if we were together," she asks.

She also spoke of how her parents wanted her to get married, have a family, but how today she is finding it hard to even have a steady relationship. She needs to overcome the guilt and find someone who will understand the situation. 

"It's not something you can talk about to anyone, they would never understand, and anyway I am not proud of the decision I made. I wish I had the courage to face my parents and stand up against society's belief," Nishani added. 

Meanwhile, Rohan said that although he and Nishani have gone their separate ways, he still thinks about the abortion. "I know she thinks that I don't care just because I happen to be a male. Probably there are guys who don't care, but I personally feel guilty, and I am still trying to come to terms with it." 

They both believe that this is a lesson in life they would never forget. It's a memory that's going to stay ingrained in their lives forever. "I would not even wish my worst enemy to go through it," said a very emotional Nishani, while Rohan said "believe it or not I do cry about it, and I wish I could turn back the clock." 

Nishani and Rohan are not alone in decisions of this nature. Our culture is such that in most cases children cannot approach their parents to get advice and help when faced with crises of this nature. Maybe it's time that society opened its eyes, because though this might be a taboo subject, it is happening.

While different people make the same decision for different reasons, the most common is due to the fact that they indulge in pre-marital sex and cannot face finding out that they are pregnant, for fear of what society would say.

The story of Aruni, a mother of three was different. She had to make the decision because she and her husband did not want another child. "It was a tough decision to make, but we thought about it and decided that it was the right one to make. I do feel guilty, there is no doubt about that, but it was for the best, at least I think of it like that," she said.

Married or single, the hurt, the guilt, the pain is the same. There are times when some of the females who make the decision have to pay a long term price, like infertility which could be caused due to having had the surgery performed by a 'quack'. There are many back alley quacks who are willing to do it for a few hundred rupees. But on the long term it's not the money you pay, but the pain/guilt you have to live with.

We cannot judge the person who made the choice, it is their choice as to why the decision is made and rightly or wrongly, it is a choice that was necessary for them to have made. But maybe we could be more understanding and provide counselling for those who are faced with the guilt . Also if parents taught their children the facts of life, that might prevent traumas of this nature from happening.

(** names have been changed to protect their identity)

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